Replies to post #634 on Sons And Daughters Of BBCMF with Redneck Comedy, C

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y/w

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The Redneck Guide to Dating Etiquette

1. Do not enter your date in a female mud-wrestling
contest without asking her permission.

2. Do not refer to your hunting dog as "the other
woman in your life."

3. Do not mention your UFO abduction experiences until
at least the third date.

4. Do not expect a woman wearing a dress to be happy
about climbing into a truck with tires that are
taller than she is. Be sure to warn her to wear
jeans.

5. Your favorite faded Dukes of Hazard t-shirt should
be saved for the fifth or more date, unless, of
course, it's the only clean shirt you have.

6. If the woman drives, never, ever try to get away
with spitting tobacco down the side of your seat
on the hope that she won't notice. She's not like
your slobbering fishing buddies, so you must always
roll down your window when you need to spit.

7. Never compare her figure to that of a Coors can,
even if you're trying to tell her that she's real
sleek.

8. Deep Woods Off! is not a substitute for deodorant.

9. Never tell a woman straight out that you can't
have her name tatooed on you because your Mom, who
is so proud of your bicep bearing her name, would
be psychotically jealous.

10. Do not invite a woman to go cow-tipping if she's
wearing high heels.

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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

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You Just Might Be a Redneck IF:



Your standard of living improves when you go camping



Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens



You have jacked up your home to look for a dog



You have a relative living in your garage



Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer



There is a belch on your answering machine greeting



You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode



None of the tires on your van are the same size



You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it



Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test



Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade



Your local beauty salon also fixes cars



Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet



You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House (This has got to be my favorite!!)



Starting your car involves popping the hood



Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays



You whistle at women in church



You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale



You've ever used duct tape to repair dental work



You've unstopped a sink with a shotgun



Your will states your wife can't touch your money 'till she's fourteen



You have to pass through a metal detector to get to a family reunion



Your coffee table is also a cooler



Your mailing address includes the word "Holler"



The first time you ever saw your wife in lingerie, you had to pay a

cover charge



You've sold a car to settle a bar tab



The best sofa you ever had came out of a Chevrolet



You've ever used your bathtub as a punch bowl



If you have ever been accused of lying through your tooth



If you have ever used a barstool as a walker

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Q: What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in
the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.

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The Top 40 Things You'll NEVER Hear A Redneck
Say...... EVER.

40. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup
and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's
just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to
Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of
biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who cares who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart
today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at
Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super
Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat
grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we
haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the
side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer,
Darlin'.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

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Q: What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in
Mississippi?
A: A documentary.