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"CONGRESSMEN ASK FOR U.N. INTERFERENCE IN U.S. ELECTIONS"
A group of liberal Democratic congressmen has asked the United Nations to monitor this year's U.S. elections: "The United Nations provides this assistance for other member countries. Why not the United States? We are not above the law," said Rep. Eddie Bernice Johnson (Tex.). "Nor are we above asking for assistance. We are hoping our action will alleviate the nightmare and the humiliation that many voters suffered at the ballot box and the voting machine during the 2000 election. African-Americans, women and other U.S. citizens have fought too hard and too long for us to allow our votes not to be counted. We have to instill some trust and accountability back in the process, or people will lose faith in the power of their vote."
Read about the Dems' latest attempt to cede American sovereignty:
http://www.HumanEventsOnline.com/article.php?id=4432
HAVE A VERY MERRY 4TH, AND TO ALL A GOODNITE...
Something doesn't sound quite right, but you know what I mean...
You do, don't you?
Anyway, HAPPY HOLIDAY!
A Fish Story
Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a Presidential election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election. Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.
There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the way to settle things. The candidate who catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.
After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Wisconsin. There were to be no observers present and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.
At the end of the first day, George W. returns to the headquarters and he has 10 fish. Soon, Kerry, who has answers to everything, but no plan, returns and has zero fish. Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully, he will catch up the next day.
The 2nd day George W. comes in with 20 fish and Kerry comes in again with none.
That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Kerry and says: "I think George W. is a lowlife cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing, just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way.
The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish), Clinton says to Kerry; "Well, what about it, is George W. cheatin?'"
"He sure is, Bill!"
Bill said; "I knew it, how's he doing it?"
Kerry; "He's cutting holes in the ice."
A Golf Story
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion, and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, "I'm now on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
Golfing Nun
A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.
"Mother Superior, I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asked the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that was going to go 280 yards, but it struck a phone line over the fairway and straight down to the ground after only 100 yards."
"And that's when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"And THAT'S when you swore?" asked the Mother Superior.
"Well, no," says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed elder nun.
"No. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior impatiently.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Mother Superior sighed,
"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
I think my camel got it and is hiding somewhere asleep.
A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the East River. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Hawaii, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
WHO'S GOT MY OSTRICH?
A man walks into The Corner Bar followed by an ostrich. The waitress takes their orders. The man asks for a hamburger, fries and a coke. He turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man orders a hamburger, fries and a coke, and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad." "Same for me," says the ostrich.
When the waitress brings the order she says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
A man walks into a restaurant followed by an ostrich. The waitress takes their orders. The man asks for a hamburger, fries and a coke. He turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man orders a hamburger, fries and a coke, and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad." "Same for me," says the ostrich.
When the waitress brings the order she says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
SOCIAL SECURITY:
Franklin Roosevelt, a Democrat, introduced the Social Security (FICA) Program. He promised:
1.) That participation in the Program would be completely voluntary,
2.) That the participants would only have to pay 1% of the first $1,400 of their annual incomes into the Program,
3.) That the money the participants elected to put into the Program would be deductible from their income for tax
purposes each year,
4.) That the money the participants put into the independent "Trust Fund" rather than into the General operating fund,
and therefore, would only be used to fund the Social Security Retirement Program, and no other Government program,
and,
5.) That the annuity payments to the retirees would never be taxed as income.
Since many of us have paid into FICA for years and are now receiving a Social Security check every month -- and then
finding that we are getting taxed on 85% of the money we paid to the Federal government to "put away," you may be
interested in the following:
Q: Which Political Party took Social Security from the independent "Trust" fund and put it into the General fund so that
Congress could spend it?
A: It was Lyndon Johnson and the Democratically-controlled House and Senate.
Q: Which Political Party eliminated the income tax deduction for Social Security (FICA) withholding?
A: The Democratic Party.
Q: Which Political Party started taxing Social Security annuities?
A: The Democratic Party, with Al Gore casting the "tie-breaking" deciding vote as President of the Senate, while he was Vice President of the U.S.
Q: Which Political Party decided to start giving annuity payments to immigrants?
A: That's right! Jimmy Carter and the Democratic Party. Immigrants moved into this country, and at age 65, began to
receive SSI Social Security payments! The Democratic Party gave these payments to them, even though they never paid a dime into it!
Then, after doing all this lying and thieving and violation of the original contract (FICA), the Democrats turn around and
tell you that the Republicans want to take your Social Security away!
And the worst part about it is, uninformed citizens believe it!
Perhaps we are asking the wrong questions during this 2004 election year!
If enough people receive this, maybe a seed of awareness will be planted and maybe good changes will evolve.
How many people can YOU send this to?
Keep this going clear up through the 2004 election!! We need to be heard!
(from an e-mail I received today)
H A P P Y - S U M M E R T I M E ! ! ! ! !
Doctor Jailed for Billing for Sex
June 21, 2004 08:11 AM ET
PORTLAND, Oregon (Reuters) - An Oregon doctor, who had sex with a patient and then charged the state about $5,000 for his "treatments," has been jailed for 60 days and stripped of his license, officials said on Friday
I wonder if he was a "Specialist"?
The Mating Urge
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with great big tits.
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all
grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the
animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon,
everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less
NOW --------
Enough of that crap .. . .
The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass,
it always comes back to bite you.
THE OIL SHORTAGE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in
Alaska
~~~
California
~~~
Oklahoma
and
TEXAS
But our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC
Canadian Club...
Circus Circus...
... ...
College Rules
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
On a serious note, a place I once worked had an framed photo reproduction of Edison, Henry Ford, and several other famous ones on a fishing trip.
Jeez, it's getting so deep in here I'm going barefoot just to save my shoes.
I guess that means you're bragging that you don't need help putting something in somewhere... exactly what are referring to? :~)
Are you wanting her to be a nice girl or a good girl?
What makes you think this one will go anywhere? 5 yrs ago it was at about 0.075 and has been on a downward slide ever since, til now it is less than a 0.005. Sounds like a pump and dump. Someone probably bought a bunch cheaply at 0.05 and now needs a 10000% increase to break even.
No thanks, I'll pass. $500 + commission will buy a 100k shares. Just what I need after the Green Oasis bullcrap.
Good luck to you, quentin. When you cash in, I can make you a hell of a deal on the Brooklyn Bridge.
There was a public service message just on tv here (Singapore) warning people that if the elderly weighed less than their age they were in danger of osteoporosis.
All of me weighs 2.26KG times my age. I guess I'm safe if I ever end up in Singapore.
Here's where your lines came from. Rodney Dangerfield's humor is rather easy to spot. Check out Steven Wright's, too. There is a link on the same page. Both comics are mainly one themed.
http://members.aol.com/beardog632/rodney.htm
You should credit Rodney Dangerfield for your post. I've heard him say most of those lines on various late night talk shows.
Check out http://rodneydangerfield.com/
and http://www.rodney.com/home/home.asp
more by putting "Rodney Dangerfield humor" in a search engine.
http://www.nathanadams.com/WeSupportU.htm
Well, that brought the tears to my eyes and thoughts...Thanks
I still lurk, but not if your musicathon has any country (music???). :(
"Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously"
So is a whole lot of other stuff!
Keep the coffee and give me bacon and sausage!
Who is the author?
I went down to the Reno Hilton to watch the final table of the Travel Channel's "World Poker Tour" stop here in Reno thursday afternoon. They could only get about a hundred spectators in the ballroom where it was taped. They said it would take about 4 or 5 hours to finish the taping and as my ticket number was 133, and no place to sit while waiting and close to no chance to get into the taping, I went home (after stopping to donate a little to a slot machine). I'll find out what happened with the rest of the world in June when it is shown on the Travel Channel.
It was a real April Fool's day for me and 40 or 50 other people who were in the same line for a couple of hours.
Oh well, such is life. You're born, life sucks, and you die.
Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral . . . I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted
You mean someone else thought of it? Damn! Class action suit will cut my take.
Cheer up! The price would have only dropped by 0.0001, from 0.0001 to -0-.
Got the following from "FreeRealTime" for my daily perusal of GRNO.
Symbol Not Found
We're sorry, but the stock symbol GRNO does not appear to exist. You can try searching for it, or try another symbol in the upper left form.
You convinced me. I'm voting for GWB again. Anybody but a lunatic lefty liberal like Kerry.
Yes indeedy. Silicone is much preferred over silicon, but saline implants are now preferred for preventing potential health problems.
A M E N !!!