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Jihad, meet Crusade II
Sounds like your state name should be changed to Oregonetohell. :)
In NV, it's 15 mph in school zones during school hours. Most zones are marked with flashing yellow lights when speed limit is effective. That helps a lot. They must enforce it pretty well, too. I haven't seen very many obvious speeders here in Reno in the 13 months I've been here. They have a hefty fine for getting caught. Couple hundred bucks or more depending on how fast you speed in a school zone. Some consider it fascist, but it seems to work well. The kiddies are safe from stupid drivers, but the opposite is not necessarily true, drivers are not safe from stupid kids.
John Kerry chokes on an oyster cracker and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here" says the devil.
"You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." John Kerry thought that sounded good so he agrees.
The devil opened the first room: in it was Ted Kennedy in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" John said. "I don 't think so! I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long!"
The devil led John to the second room: in it was Jane Fonda with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All she did was swing that sledgehammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got a problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented John. The devil opened the third door. In it, John saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinski, doing what she does best.
John Kerry looked at this in disbelief for a while and
finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this!"
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
It looks to me as though the odds increase every day for a full blown renewal of the millenium-old Crusades. With the damage in lost lives and lost thinking unimaginable. The longer it takes to happen, the worse it will be... nukes all over the planet with stone age savages in control of them.
I've gotta get a hobby and stop reading/watching the news. North Korea, South Korea, Pakistan, India, Iran, Israel, China, Russia; all with nukes aimed at each other and eventually the USA.
Happy friggin New Century! Or what's left of it.
Don't hold back like that. Tell us what you really think! Keeping it all in can make you ill... let it out! LOL
I hope there enough virgins in Hell, Wolverines or Hyenas or whatever non-human hungry creatures can be rounded up, to accommodate all those assholes that the world should get together and send to their just rewards.... A M E N
Anyone for Crusades I I?
OLDIES BUT GOODIES
______________________________________________________________
Hi honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mommy near the phone?"
"NO, Daddy. She's up stairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
Brief pause. Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."
"Uh, OK then", Daddy says, "here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well Mommy got all scared, jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell downstairs and she's not moving anymore."
"I'm sorry you had to see that, honey. What a bout 'Uncle Frank'?"
"He jumped out the back window into the swimming pool...but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water for Winter, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either."
Long pause. Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 597-7039?"
_____________________________________________________________
Weird Facts of the Day:
If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in U.S. coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
_____________________________________________________________
The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered. The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.
The boss snorted, "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"
_____________________________________________________________
I don't think my daughter's going to ask me to watch the grandkids again.
She left me alone in a restaurant yesterday with my 10-month-old nephew.
I asked, "What do I do if he cries?"
She instructed, "Give him some vegetables."
How was I supposed to know that jalapeno peppers aren't one of his favorites.
_____________________________________________________________
Did you hear about what happened to the dumb blonde?
....Lost her boyfriend because she forgot where she laid him.
....Thought that asphalt was rectum trouble.
....Was called tapioca because she could be made in a minute.
....Thought her typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period.
....Thought that "no kidding" meant some form of birth control.
....Thought that peter pan was something for under the bed.
....Thought that "Moby Dick" was a venereal disease.
....Thought that a sanitary belt was a drink from clean shot glass.
....Smelled good only on the right side because she couldn't find the left guard.
....Wore union pants because her best friend was having labor pains.
....Studied 5 days for a urine test.
....Thought KOTEX was a radio station in Texas.
....Thought fetus was a character from "Gunsmoke".
....Thought a mushroom was a place to kiss.
....Was in the Indy 500 and had 7 pit stops, 1 for gas and 6 for directions.
....Put 75 holes in her face?...she was learning to eat with a fork.
______________________________________________________________
The Ten Commandments of Marriage
Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
_____________________________________________________________
Barbara and Ed were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," Barbara told Ed. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I"ll remove one piece of clothing.
Ed enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than Ed ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of thecar. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. Barbara was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help," Ed said.
"I don't have anything to cover myself with!" Barbara replied.
Ed felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies,
"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he'a a goner!"
_____________________________________________________________
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig.. can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know. Federal Government gave a $5 million grant to find this out.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
________________________________________________________________
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet
I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "
but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
________________________________________________________________
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
________________________________________________________________
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the
aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can
help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons
for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few
minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent
my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So,I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you
can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made
me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
around here and you should do it, because that is your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS"
________________________________________________________________
This just tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno.
Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
Marilyn said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). No, not Marilyn. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance"!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As for the Tonight Show... she took the prize hands down ...or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing!
This gives a whole new meaning to being "pissed off".
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
________________________________________________________________
Subject: The Rabbi and the Priest
A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "! Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh? The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said,
"Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
Brand new 2004 edition of "You know you're a redneck when..."
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7 You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took there.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
And last, but not least . . .
31. Someone tells you that you've got something in your teeth, so you take them out to see what it is
5 reasons NOT to be a penis:
**********************************
> 1. You're bald your whole life.
> 2. You have a hole in your head.
> 3. Your neighbors are nuts.
> 4. The guy behind you is an asshole.
> 5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and faint.
Old People Football
**************************************
An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After lying there for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, "Seven points".
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football and I just scored."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After another five minutes, the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone, the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I'm ahead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure's on. The old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops in the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man replies, "Halftime, switch sides."
UNEMPLOYMENT
**********************
Billy Bob and Rufus worked together in a S.C. clothing factory and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Billy Bob answered, "Panty stitcher, I sew the elastic onto ladies' cotton panties."
The clerk looked up "panty stitcher" and it was listed as unskilled labor, so she put him down for $300 a week unemployment pay.
She asked Rufus his occupation and he said, "Diesel fitter," which was listed as a skilled job. So she put him down for $600 a week.
When Billy Bob found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his co-worker got twice the money.
The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled, and diesel fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill?" yelled Billy Bob. "I sew the elastic on the panties, and Rufus puts 'em over his head and says, "Diesel fitter."
After the meeting and supper, I drove home.
Dad’s act of kindness??? On the way home, He fell asleep!
That was the first time that he ever slept while I drove. That showed me that He trusted my driving.
Or did your driving frighten him into unconsciousness as a defensive major? :))
Widdle Wabbits
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice:
"I don't fink my pet pyfon weally gives a thit."
Going For The Gold
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".
> SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
>
> Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
>
> "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
>
> "Social Security sex?"
>
> "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
>
>
> LOUD SEX:
>
> A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
ear splitting yell."
>
> "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what
the problem is."
>
> "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
>
>
> QUIET SEX:
>
> Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you
have an orgasm?! "
>
> She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
>
>
> CONFOUNDED SEX:
>
> A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn
from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him
back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since
it was considered cosmetic.
>
> The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium,
and $14,000 for "large."
>
> The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
>
> The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The
doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well,
what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
>
> The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
>
>
> WEDDING A! NNIVERSARY SEX:
>
> A husband and his wife had a bitter qu arrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary.
>
> The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"
>
> "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
>
>
> WOMEN'S HUMOR:
>
> My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you
happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it
all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
>
> A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman says..."I'll miss you."
APOLITICAL - NO SIDES
A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do w ith you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven."
So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm around him "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning...Today you voted for us!"
FISH STORY
A woman goes into Wal-Mart in Arkansas to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me, Sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.
She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20.00."
She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. And thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."
QUESTION FOR THE READER: Is the woman shopper named Hilary?
I agree. Scott Peterson is probably more truthful than Kerry; even Mr. Hacking seems closer to truthtelling than Kerry. Peterson and Hacking are killers of a pregnant wife. Where does that leave Kerry? Watch yourself, Theresa; don't get pregnant.
Greenland and Iceland await you frigid-loving freaks. :)
Caution. Racial golf story.
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this. We just got 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and if you will come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."
Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.
As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."
The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left." Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.
But his luck didn't end there His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?"
The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots.
See you next week"
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies please"
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said,"Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots.
We had too many complaints."
Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the hell could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. And then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, and the other two robbed the pro shop.
A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients that were made while he was performing colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc! You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?!!"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas....we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out....you do the Hokey Pokey....and yeeow!"
8. "Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "Remember, if your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
And THE best one:
11. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
Go to http://www.GOP.com and watch the video Kerry on Iraq for a fair and balanced look at both of his sides of the issue.
What a two-faced doofus.
Theresa Heinz Kerry
Teresa Heinz-Kerry married Senator Kerry in 1995. She only took his name eighteen months ago and she is an "interesting" paradox of conflicts. Following is a brief background on Mrs. John Kerry (she hates being called that, by the way). If you thought John Kerry was scary, he doesn't hold a candle to his wife!
Maria Teresa Thiersten Simoes-Ferreira Heinz Kerry was born in Mozambique, the daughter of a Portuguese physician, was educated in Switzerland and South Africa. Fluent in five languages, she was working as a United
Nations interpreter in Geneva in the mid-60's when she met a "handsome" young American, H. John Heinz, III, who worked at a bank in Geneva. He told her his family was "in the food business." They were married in 1966 and returned to Pittsburgh where his family ran the giant H. J. Heinz food company.
He was elected to the US House of Representatives in 1971, and in 1976 he was elected to the first of three terms in the United States Senate. A Republican, he wrote a burning diatribe against some of the causes backed by young House member named John Kerry.
Several years later, in 1991, he was killed when his plane collided with a Sun Oil Company helicopter over a Philadelphia suburb. The senator, his pilot and copilot, and both of Sun's helicopter pilots were killed. He was survived by his wife, Teresa, and their three young sons.
Four years later, having inherited Heinz's $500 million fortune, she married Senator John Forbes Kerry, the liberal then-junior senator from > Massachusetts. She became a registered Democrat and the process of her radicalization was set in motion.
Teresa Heinz Kerry is not shy about telling people that she required Kerry to sign a prenuptial agreement before they were married. John Kerry may not have check writing privileges on the Heinz catsup and pickle fortune, but he is certainly a willing and uncomplaining beneficiary of it.
A lot of hard-earned money, made through many years of hawking catsup, mustard, and pickles has fallen into the hands of two people who despise successful entrepreneurship and who believe in the confiscatory redistribution of wealth.
So how does Mrs. Heinz Kerry spend John Heinz's money? Read on.
According to the G2 Bulletin, an online intelligence newsletter of WorldNet Daily, in the years between 1995-2001 she gave more than $4 million to an organization called the Tides Foundation. And what does the Tides Foundation do with John Heinz's money? They support numerous antiwar groups, including Ramsey Clark's International Action Center. Clark has offered to defend Saddam Hussein when he's tried. They support the Democratic Justice Fund, a joint venture of the Tides Foundation and billionaire hate-monger George Soros. The Democratic Justice Fund seeks to ease restrictions on Muslim immigration from "terrorist" states. They support the Council for American-Islamic Relations, whose leaders are known to have close ties to the terrorist group, Hamas.
They support the National Lawyers Guild, organized as a communist front during the Cold War era. One of their attorneys, Lynne Stewart, has been arrested for helping a client, Sheikh Omar Abdel Rahman, communicate with terror cells in Egypt. He is the convicted mastermind of the 1993 World
Trade Center bombing.
They support the "Barrio Warriors," a radical Hispanic group whose primary goal is to return all of Arizona, California, New Mexico, and Texas to Mexico.
These are but a few of the radical groups that benefit, through the anonymity provided by the Tides Foundation, from the generosity of our would-be first lady, the wealthy widow of Republican senator John Heinz, and now the wife of the Democratic senator who aspires to be the 44th President of the United States.
Aiding and supporting our enemies is not good for America, regardless of your political views. If voters will open their eyes, educate themselves and see the real Teresa Heinz Kerry, they will not appreciate her position as ultra rich fairy godmother of the radical left. They will not want to imagine her laying her head on a pillow each night inches away from the President of the United States. Hopefully they love this country enough to decide that the only way these two will ever be allowed into the White House is with an engraved invitation
in hand.
Instead of just reading this, pass it on. Let everyone know these people are unfit to represent this great nation. The uninformed will never hear the truth from the press, who seem to want Kerry elected! Those who buy the Kerry facade, beware what you vote for... you may regret that you got it!
NINETEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
By Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
19. Your friends love you anyway.
Thought for the day:
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
One more_ most ridiculous yet.
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Our Plan for America
The incredible energy that you, our supporters, have shown over the past five days has changed the way I'll look at campaigning forever. Since we left Boston, more than 100,000 Americans have shown up to meet us at campaign stops between Massachusetts and Michigan: 17,000 people in Scranton; 25,000 in Harrisburg, waiting until after 9 P.M. on a Friday night; 10,000 people in Greensburg, standing in the rain; another 15,000 in Wheeling. In most cases, these are the biggest political rallies these towns have ever seen.
All of that followed the greatest mobilization of grassroots power that the Internet has ever made possible: as I accepted the nomination on Thursday, our supporters made history once again by contributing an astounding $5.7 million in one day. We asked for volunteers and 400,000 of you have signed up. You have helped us kick-off the general election on the strongest footing of any presidential challenger ever.
At the convention, John Edwards and I outlined our plan to build a stronger America. This week, we are going straight to voters in towns and communities across the country. Today, we are releasing a new book, "Our Plan for America: Stronger at Home, Respected in the World," that details these plans and talks about the values and experiences behind them.
You are the heart of our campaign. That's why I wanted to offer you the first look at "Our Plan for America." You can download and read the book here:
http://www.johnkerry.com/plan/
As John and I travel across the country, we hope to see some of you along the way. For those we can't see in person, we'll send dispatches from the road to try to relate to you the energy and enthusiasm we're finding at every campaign stop, to tell you about some of the people we're meeting and communities we're getting to know, and to lay out our plan for a stronger America. Just like everyday, we want you to be right along side us fighting as we work to win back the White House.
Reaching our goal is going to require a lot of work from millions of people over the next few months. That is why I want to make sure everyone who is on board this campaign knows exactly what it is we're fighting for so we can tell voters across the country why we have the right plan for America. That is what this week's messages will be about, and I hope you can join me on this trip across America by reading them.
Sincerely,
John Kerry
PS: Throughout the day, the campaign is posting stories and pictures from the road on our website. Join us on our trip right here:
http://blog.johnkerry.com/
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...and Christmas was his birthday.
Nice timing. You got to save money on a gift and card with Santa Claus saying, "Happy Birthday and to all a good Night".
My daughter's birthday is the day after Christmas and I tried to combine them to save money, but my butt-in family wouldn't hear of it. :^)
Another e-mail:
________________________________________________________________
The LARK Program
A person wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive taken during the Afghanistan war. Attached is a copy of a letter they received back:
The White House 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C. 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility or Killers" program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. We think this watching over each other's shoulder is such a good way for people to interact that we will be sending a team of federal officials with expertise in your line of work to your place of business soon, just to help you do your job better. Don't be concerned that they have the power to close your business, seize your property, and arrest you for any violation of the 4,850,206 laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply to your profession. They're really there just to make sure you're doing everything the proper way. That is what you wanted, right?
Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a valued member of the citizenry. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching.
Cordially...Your Buddy,
Don Rumsfeld
From an e-mail:
_____________________________________________________________
I was traveling between Phoenix and Chicago the other day and south of Kansas City when a tire blew out.. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I sure do," I replied.
"You a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man.
"Republican," I replied.
"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.
Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question. Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican". The driver gave me the finger and drove off.
I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Democrat or Republican. "Democrat!" I shouted.
"Hop in!" replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at this gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs. Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car."
She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.
"What's the matter?" she asked.
"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already, I want to screw somebody.
edit: grub
From Human Events Online http://www.humaneventsonline.com
John Kerry and the rest of the Democratic Party are promoting Kerry's Vietnam "war hero" status as a major -- if not the major -- reason for Americans to support his candidacy for the White House.
In fact, his running mate, Sen. John Edwards, said, "To really understand John Kerry, you have to listen to those who served with him in Vietnam."
So, I decided to heed Sen. Edwards' advice and found what approximately 200 of Kerry's fellow "Swifties" think of him, including Rear Admiral Roy F. Hoffman, USN (Retired). Admiral Hoffman said this of the liberal Massachusetts Senator:
"I DO NOT BELIEVE JOHN KERRY IS FIT TO BE COMMANDER IN CHIEF OF THE ARMED FORCES OF THE UNITED STATES. THIS IS NOT A POLITICAL ISSUE. IT IS A MATTER OF HIS JUDGMENT, TRUTHFULNESS, RELIABILITY, LOYALTY, AND TRUST - ALL ABSOLUTE TENETS OF COMMAND."
Admiral Hoffman, along with Captain Charley Plumbly, USN (ret.), Alvin A. Horne, Bill Lannom, John O'Neill, Way Symmes, William E. Franke, and about 200 other "Swifties" were signatories of an open letter to Sen. Kerry, which is sourced in a yet-to-be-released book -- "Unfit for Command: Swift Boat Veterans Speak Out Against John Kerry" (pre-order it here:)
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0895260174/002-8966275-5743238.
This letter states, in part:
"It is our collective judgment that, upon your return from Vietnam, you grossly and knowingly distorted the conduct of the American soldiers, marines, sailors and airmen of that war (including a betrayal of may of us, without regard for the danger you actions caused us). Further, we believe that you have withheld and/or distorted material facts as to your own conduct of the war.
"We believe you continue this conduct today, albeit by changing from an anti-war to a 'war hero' status. You now seek to clad yourself in the very medals that you disdainfully threw away in the early years of your political career. In the process, we believe you continue a deception as to your own conduct through such tactics as the disclosure of only carefully screened portions of your military records. Both then and now, we have concluded that you have deceived the public, and in the process have betrayed honorable men, to further your personal political goals.
"Your conduct is such as to raise substantive concerns as to your honesty and your ability to serve, as you currently seek, to be Commander-in-Chief of the military services.
"Senator Kerry, we were there. We know the truth. We have been silent long enough. The stakes are too great, not only for America in general but, most importantly, for those who have followed us into service in Iraq and Afghanistan. We call upon you to provide a full, accurate accounting of your conduct in Vietnam."
Note to Sen. Edwards: I've listened to what "those who served with him in Vietnam" think of John Kerry, and now I believe we do "really understand" him. Care to revise and extend your remarks?
Note to Sen. Kerry: Will you honor the request of your fellow Vietnam Swift Boat Veterans and release your "complete and unaltered" military records, allowing the American people to be fully informed of your military service?
How We Got To Where We Are - A History Lesson
The division of the human family into its two distinct political branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, when humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
The pivotal event of societal evolution was the invention of beer. This epochal event was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so it was necessary to stick close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecues and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement. An interesting evolutionary side note: some of these early liberal men eventually evolved into women.
Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the trade union, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the conservatives provided.
Over the years, conservatives became to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, They eat red meat, and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumber jacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the wild west was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends the lesson in world history.
LOL
Welcome back. Next time you return, you might consider using spell check when posting and do the cold ones later. Just kidding. :))
A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day she calls home and a strange woman answers.
Wife: Who is this?
Maid: This is the maid.
Wife: We don't have a maid.
Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there?
Maid: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone whom I assumed was his wife.
The wife is livid, gasping for air. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
Maid: What will I have to do?
Wife: I want you to take my gun from the top desk drawer and shoot him and the woman he's with.
The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps and the gunshots, then more footsteps.
Maid: What do I do with the bodies?
Wife: Just drag them out and throw them in the swimming pool.
Maid: But there's no pool here.
...(A long pause)
Wife: Oh shit... Is this 832-4821?
Some misc time wasters from e-mails
**********************************************************
Smart Ass Answers
Smart-ass Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat...she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Smart-ass Answer #2
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I
could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Smart-ass #3
THE TEACHER Smart-ass Answer OF THE YEAR: A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
*********************
Top Ten comments made by sports commentators that they'd like to take back
1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm-up and it was amazing."
2. Ted Walsh - Horse racing commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Grand Prix Race announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."
4. Greg Norman, pro golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
5. Ringside boxing analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths, in boxing - but none of them were really that serious."
6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I think we should expect the same thing again."
7. Basketball announcer: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact, you can see it all over their faces."
8. At a trophy ceremony for the BBC TV boat race: "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."
9. Metro Radio, college football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
10. US Open tv commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them."
*********************
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says,
"I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Doc says "It's Not Unusual."
10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
15 . I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
16 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
That phone has a customized Caller ID program that charges the calling number $10/minute, 3 minute minimum for each call attempt.
Only 1,000,000 calls and the stock will be re-listed @ $0.001 per share, provide your own buyer.
Chas :~)
By a live person (not a deputy with legal papers) or a recording?
THE TAX MAN
A young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders just as the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.
Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the rabbi.
"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual qu! estion actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S."
"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, "the I.R.S. And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE GROWN UP:
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up or break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up"
10. You're the one that calls the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car Insurance goes down and you car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I usedto," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you, and you can't find one to save your sorry old ass.
And here's a 26th one I just added..... I had to enlarge the print here because it was to damned small for me to read.
26. Life is all about ass... either you are covering it, kicking it, kissing it, trying to lose it or trying to get it.