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I remember one girl named Jade. A stripper in Wash DC when I was in the USAF in 60's. I don't miss her at all; she was my age and if still alive, she'll be in her 60's.
The new mother is oriental, hence the name Jade I guess.
Great happening for you and yours. Just had a new (Saturday noon) granddaughter via a son of mine. 7lb-3oz, 19", named Jade. I guess the birthweight is genetic. My mother was 7lb-3oz, 19", I was 7lb-3oz, 21", and my daughter was 7lb-3oz, 19".
You have not lived a perfect day,
even though you have earned your money,
unless you have done something for someone
...who cannot repay you.
Politician's Creed:
You have not lived a perfect day,
even tho you have been paid for your folly,
unless you have done something to someone
...who cannot repay you.
Cynicus
THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILI CONTEST
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
The Cremated Husband
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the
patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to
him.
"Herman, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the
insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
Herman, remember that new car you promised me?
Well, I also bought that with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the
ashes she said, "Herman, that emerald necklace you promised me?
Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Herman,
remember that blow job I promised you? ......Here it comes!!!
A woman hinted to her husband that she wanted something fast for her birthday, like maybe 0 to 150 in less than 10 seconds.
So he gave her a bathroom scale.
Dear Abby,
My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The
other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be
able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big
fucking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time
he'll buy me a diamond.
Sincerely,
Bitchy in Boston
BLONDES FOREVER
=================
FLORIDA OR THE MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a
bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other,
"Which do you think is farther away.......... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says,
"Helloooooooooo!!! Can you see Florida.......?????
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She
tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it
is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She
asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and
asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff,
"I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away
my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes
to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she
shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down
the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was
oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his
window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were
talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be
the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other
and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll
burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid,
you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
TIMEX AND ROLEX
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had
acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde
responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond.
"They're watch dogs."
These are the top five adult jokes for last year:
Number 5:
A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
Number 4:
A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Italian men are
the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
"Tonto Tortolini, nice to meet you."
Number 3:
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Number 2:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My! God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired"
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh..she got fired too."
Number 1:
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...
A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two-dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock..."
New State Motto's
Alabama
Heck Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona
But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everything.
California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut
Like Massachusetts...
Except The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.
Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids.
Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum. Leave Your Money.)
Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, Not. But The Potatoes Sure Are Good
Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"!
Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
or Most Tax Brackets
Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota
10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi
Come Visit And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little
Else.
Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada
Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto...
Right here!
New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney...
North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon
Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal
Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee
The Edyookashun State
Texas
Sí, Hablo Ingles
Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont
Yep
Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington
We Get More Rain Than You Do!!
Washington, D.C.
Wanna Be Mayor??
West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin
Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming
Where Men Are Men.. And The Sheep Are Scared
Man Slams
1. Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.
2. Q: How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck & the noose.
3. Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they're practicing to be men.
4. Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One - he just holds it up there & waits for the world to revolve around him. OR. Three - one to screw in the bulb, two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
5. Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
6. Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath & calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
7. Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.
8. Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
9 Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
10. Q: What is the difference between men and women...?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
11. Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
12. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "instruction manuals"
Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day!!
And send this to five bright men who have the sense of humour to find this funny!
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....
> > > >P...
> > > >
> > > >E...
> > > >
> > > >N...
> > > >
> > > >I...
> > > >
> > > >S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
The Progression of Learning Math
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled out 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.
Why do I tell you this?
Please read more about the "history of teaching math":
Teaching Math in 1950..........
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960..........
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970.......
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math in 1980......
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990.......
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong anwers.)
Teaching Math in 2005.....
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es...................
This bunch came in one e-mail from my son's M-I-L.
===================================================
Warning! New Scam!
This new scam is being pulled mainly on older women who are apparently passed the age of giving a running pursuit. What happens is that when the intended victim stops for a red light, a completely nude and good looking, nicely tanned, unbelievably well enhanced young man comes up. With muscles flexing, and body stretched to its full potential, he pretends to wash your
windshield. While he is doing this, another person opens the back door of your car, taking anything you have in the car. They are very good at this.
They got me seven times Friday and five times Saturday---I couldn't find them on Sunday.
***************************************************************
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models. "
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchess ss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk that vvviiiibbbrrraaatttteeesss?"
The clerk responds, "Yes, we do."
The poor old lady replies,"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu knnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe fffffuuccckkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"
***************************************************************
The Jewish Bra
A man walks into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City. He asks the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady responds, "What kind of bra?"
He repeats, "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wants a Jewish bra and that you would know what it is."
"Ah, now I remember," says the saleslady. "We don't get many requests for them anymore. Lately most of our customers want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused and a little flustered, the man asks "So, what are the differences?"
The saleslady answers, "It's all really quite simple: The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
The man muses on this information for a minute and asks, "So, what is the Jewish bra for?"
"They make mountains out of molehills."
****************************************************************
Tough call
The boss was in a quandary, he had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."
***************************************************************
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents
began to fuss, "Where did you get that car???!!!
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents? "We know what a Porsche costs ."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to panic and asked. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name; they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother to the boys father, "John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know what was going on.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. The secretary took his money and left him after they had arrived. He called me and claimed he was robbed and stranded. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
(Are women good or what!)
****************************************************************
Ten Things Men Understand About Women *
*1. *
*2. *
*3. *
*4. *
*5. *
*6. *
*7. *
*8. *
*9. *
*10. *
*Just smile and send it on.*
It does if you substitute "man" for "woman" as you suggested.
This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months...
Doesn't work as a Gay joke.
Hi Yo Silver!
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later,
Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky,
what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute
then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells
me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord
is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically,
it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you,
Tonto?" Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you
dumber than buffalo poop. Someone stole tent."
For the female chauvinists in the crowd
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind,but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!!!
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f*****g blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Men Are Just Happier People - (from the female POV - like it counts for anything)
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
The thong should be worn under the Depends. Otherwise it would look ridiculous. LOL
And just what is wrong with a thong and Depends?
Blondes
*********
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
talking........and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think
is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????
CAR TROUBLE
blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely
if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and
then today you expect me to show it to you!"
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
lashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going
go at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear
it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying
that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
Never compromise yourself. You're all you've got.
Janis Joplin
what happened to the Joke thread? Dissappeared from my favorites and can't get it back on the list.
Home is where they have to let you in when you've nowhere else to go.
...but just pretty soon it is going to be April 15th...
Your post was more than 12 hours after April 15th started LOL
I woke up this morning at the crack of dawn, nice girl that Dawn.
Ballet Guy: Beer commercial: isenbeck-ballet.asf
From the Jeff Foxworthy Roast on the Comedy Channel:
If you name your farts, you might be a redneck.
I've got green stains in my undershorts, does that count?
West Virginia
A guy from West Virginia passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
******************
How do you know when you're staying in a West Virginia hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "go ahead."
*******************
How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
********************
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
*********************
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in West Virginia?
Documentaries.
**********************
Where was the toothbrush invented? West Virginia. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
**********************
A West Virginia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
*********************
Did you hear about the $3 million West Virginia State Lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
*********************
The governor's mansion in West Virginia burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books-poof! Up in flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
*********************
A new law was recently passed in West Virginia. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
*******************
A guy walked into a bar in West Virginia and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya?"
"No", replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist", said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-der m-ist?"
The man says, "I mount animals". The bartender stands back and hollers to the wholebar.... "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
You can't throw a match and and put someone's eye out like you can with a lighter. The hi-jackers are the one's wearing safety goggles. Your guvmint looking out for you.
I didn't see anything regarding the dog maybe refusing to take the bind guy out in front of a stream of traffic or something similar. Seems he lost more than his eyesight when whatever happened to him.
American's are not the only crazies. God bless England.
Blind Scotsman accused of biting guide dog
Witness says pooch attacked after it wouldn't help man cross street, MSNBC staff and news service reports
Updated: 10:58 a.m. ET Feb. 25, 2005
A blind man has been arrested in Scotland after witnesses reported he sank his teeth into his guide dog’s head and then kicked the Labrador-retriever mix after it apparently wouldn’t help him across a busy street.
A witness who said he saw the attack outside a busy shopping center in the Scottish capital Edinburgh reported the incident to police.
After several days investigation, officers arrested David Todd, 34, on charges of cruelty to animals and breach of the peace.
A police spokeswoman said the 8-year-old dog had been handed over to a charity dedicated to guide dogs.
The alleged attack has outraged animal rights activists and the Guide Dogs for the Blind Association, which provided Todd with the dog.
Association spokesman Colin Gallagher said that Todd could lose his dog if he is convicted of the abuse charge.
“Cases of abuse by owners on their guide dogs are few and far between, but we can withdraw the dog on a permanent basis,” Gallagher told the Edinbugh Evening News.
If the dog is withdrawn, the association trains the blind person to use a white stick while walking, he said.
Reuters contributed to this report.
But it's worth it because the Whacko Jacko sightings are on live TV.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
http://www.siliconinvestor.com/readmsg.aspx?msgid=21092028
Ahhh. At last. A picture of a real Polish Quacker Hound.
Oil from Oil - Part two (or three or whatever)
http://www.rgj.com/news/stories/html/2005/02/23/92992.php?sps=rgj.com&sch=Umbrella&sp1=rgj&a...