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Here's another one. What did Jimmy Durante say at the end of his shows?
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Goodnight Mrs Calabash, wherever you are....
Part 2: Who was Mrs Calabash?
The truth about human history
Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.
The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girliemen.'
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other "true believers."
URL has a mistake
THIS MIGHT BE YOU SOONER THAN YOU THINK
CAR THEFT
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard. He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
__________________________________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's a the door."
__________________________________________________________
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
__________________________________________________________
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You,used to hold my hand when we were courting.
"Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.
"Mildly irritated, he reached across,gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
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OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day,they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
__________________________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
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MORE SENIOR DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mabel, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mabel turned to her and said, "Oh shoot, am I driving?"
You communist! Red hammer (& sickle).
My first guess is that that would tend to make one remember every thing you ever learned about manners and getaways. LOL
When I was in college at U of Cincinnati 1958/59, I was 17 yrs old and got into one drinking bout. I killed one 5th of "Old Crow", I think it was. And didn't get sick, either. Except for a headache that lasted 3 or 4 days. Never drank any hard stuff since, except for a few sips of Crown Royal when I was a bartender in Mt Vernon, Illinois. A bit of difference in sipping Crown Royal and slugging down rotgut like Old Crow.
Now the hardest thing I drink is Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi with raspberry iced tea for flavor. LOL
btw, read the edit to my last post (#14966)
I was 21 and 6"1", 170 lb. I am now 64, shrunk an inch to 6'0", gained 195 to 365 lb.
No, it actually was one more than a case and a half. 37 12-oz bottles of Miller High Life.
12 at the Base Bowling Alley for $.25 each = $3 and 25 bottles at the Skylark Room in Wash DC (I was stationed at Andrews AFB and our Squadron area was where the President's AF-ONE is parked. They moved our entire squadron to Dover, Delaware in 1963 to make room for AF-ONE.
edit: 4:07 pm Pacific time.
My son in the Marines was also stationed at Andrews when I went to live with him and his wife in 2001. First time I drove on the Base, I got lost and couldn't find my way off the damned place. Had to stop AP car to get directions... oh, the humiliation. Who could know how much had changed in a mere 38 years?
One treatment of mouthwash makes me sleepy. When I was a young buck in the USAF in 1962, I once drank a case and a half of beer in about 6 hours. That may be what kick started my diabetes? I remember parking at the barracks and deciding I was an Olympic swimmer and the world's loudest swimming fan simultaneously. I received some unkind comments from some ignorant airmen who didn't appreciate my swimming prowess on the lawn, up the stairs and down the hallway, and cheering myself on at 2:00 AM, bass turds.
I woke up the next morning, prone in front of a toilet bowl full of my puke with my chin on the front edge of the bowl. That first sight upon waking caused another big puke. Later a very good friend, maybe the only one left, took me to base ops and nursed me with saltine crackers and tomato soup for about 4 hours. Felt a lot better afterwards, only a total of 24 hours of my life gone. Oh well, easy come, easy go.
Only my belly hanging over my belt. Damn Diabetes keeps the alcohol away. ;~( sniff
OPEN UP TARBENDER!!! I'M DIRSTY, THAMMIT!!!
Well, I'll be! That's the same thing a man says to a lady friend when the song "Making Love In The Moonlight" is playing and she asks, "What do I get out of this?".
"Grassy Ass", he replies, but only after having previously ascetained the level of her sense of humor.
You're right, of course. But to shorten the event's elapsed time, don't waste time taking a knife to a gunfight. :~)
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis? Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having
> trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked,
> "Harry, what's your problem?"
> >
> >Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade.
> My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than
> she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
> >
> >Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the
> principal's office.
> >
> >While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
> explained to the principal what the situation was.
> The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the
> boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his
> questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and
> behave. She agreed.
> >
> >Harry was brought in and the conditions were
> explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
> >
> >Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
> >
> >Harry: "9".
> >
> >Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
> >
> >Harry: "36".
> >
> >And so it went with every question the principal
> thought a 3rd grader should know.
> >
> >The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
> "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
> >
> >Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him
> some questions."
> >
> >The principal and Harry both agreed.
> >
> >Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that
> I have only two of?"
> >
> >Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
> >
> >Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have
> but I do not have?"
> >
> >The principal wondered, why would she ask such a
> question!
> >
> >Harry replied: "Pockets."
> >
> >Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps
> into?"
> >
> >Harry: "Pants"
> >
> >Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with! a T,
> is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin,
> whitish liquid?
> >
> >Harry: "Coconut."
> >
> >The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging
> open.
> >
> >Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes
> out soft and sticky?"
> >
> >The principal's eyes opened really wide and before
> he could stop the answer.
> >
> >Harry: "Bubble gum"
> >
> >Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a
> woman does sitting down and a dog does on three
> legs?"
> >
> >Harry: "Shake hands."
> >
> >The principal was trembling.
> >
> >Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends
> in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
> >
> >Harry: "Firetruck"
> >
> >The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told
> the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got
> the last seven questions wrong......
The Blonde's Year in Review
January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.
March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."
April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packet thingy's.
June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained tothe judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.
August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
September - When asked what the capital of California was - answered "C".
October - Decided she hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel and there were too many W's in the bag.
November - Baked Thanksgiving turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.
December - House burned down. Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.
GUTS or BALLS ?
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the definition for each is listed below ....
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
Halloween Party
A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days. So the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman?Take this back and get me something else I can wear."
The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The Husband comes home from work, goes to the bedroom, and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"
The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4. The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"
The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle."
Subject: Scientific Study
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire. Further studies are expected.
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom; and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened?
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you read more. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly
HAH! You don't recognize yourselves.
Probably female cats. Never saw a female anything that could resist anybody else's conversation. :~)))
Thank you for responding. Late is better than never.
WINNER, WINNER, WINNER.
ROTFLMAO
You left out the Gulf of Mexico - the dipsticks spilled 10's of thousands of barrels back into the Gulf, but it's easy to get to; oil floats on water.
Along the line of print size, I think there is something being put in the water to shrink one's ams. I can't read print because it won't go into focus at arm's length any more and I keep dribbling dinner on my shirt when my fork gets to my chin a lot quicker than it used to.
And , unfortunately, so will a lot more continue to pay the ultimate price with all the water bourne diseases and mosquitoes set loose. Don't even try to estimate the potential pandemic resulting from the undetected infected people being moved all over the country in the name of humanitarianism.
Fill and pave it and make a memorial to bad decisions.
Something for everyone ...
LAST CHILD SUPPORT CHECK!!!
Today is my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those
damn payments!
So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to
yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me and I want you to come back and tell
me the 'spression on yo mama's face.
So my baby girl she take the check over to her. I be anxious to hear what she say and what she look like.
Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"
She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" ... and watch the 'spression on yo face.
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An elderly couple was sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife , "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding
anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about. Tell me
the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
She hesitated a moment, then said, "Yes, Sidney, three times."
"Three times? How could that happen?" Sidney asks.
Marsha replied, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little
house?"
"Yes, dear, those were really difficult times," replied Sidney.
"And remember when I went to see the banker one night, and the next day the bank extended our loan?"
"Gosh, that's really hard to take," said Sidney. "But since things
were so bad at the time, I guess I can forgive you. What was the
second time?"
"Well," Marsha continued, "do you remember years later when you almost died of that heart problem because we couldn't afford an operation?"
"Yes, of course," said Sidney. "Then you will remember that right after
I went to see the doctor, he performed the operation at no cost?"
"Yes, I remember," said Sidney, "and as much as that shocks me, I do
understand that you did what you did out of love for me, so I forgive you.
So, what was the third time?"
Marsha lowered her head and said,
v
v
v
v
v
v
"Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club
and you needed 62 more votes?"
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Brand new 2005 edition of "You might be a redneck if.."
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a flyswatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took there.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26 You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000.00 worth of improvements.
28. You have used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
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It is with saddest heart that I pass on the following news.
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough who has one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry
Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and
lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half=baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quits working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my Bull Dog, he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
When the repair man arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.
The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
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The Wal-Mart Husband Store
A Wal-Mart store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas,
Texas, where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
There are only 6 floors. It states that the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . . as you open the door to any floor you may choose any man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So, a woman goes to the Wal-Mart Husband Store to find a husband . .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help
with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, " I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the
housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the
sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 13,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart's Husband Store. Watch your step when you exit the building - and have a nice day!
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AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"
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A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers. "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country,
I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, bitch."
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A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his
grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes yournose look short." Love, Grandma
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Did you have a buzzzzzzzz on when you wrote that one?
LMAO except when it happened to me, without all the acronyms. It was more like Get out and and don't let the doorknob hit you in the ass when you leave. We really appreciate your 23 years of service and your upcoming 60th birthday had nothing to do with our decision to relocate the company; half to Canada and half to Mexico. Isn't NAFTA great?
A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special". Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and HE tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts Screaming "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!" And doing so draws and even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads "Ma'am, why are you saying that? In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I AM BEING SCREWED!! The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded
Girls seem to develop their lungs earlier than boys. Every time I call my granddaughter, her now 1-1/2 yr old starts screaming at the top of her lungs about a half-minute into the call. Women carry that attention need well into adulthood, some even to old age.
Yes, I am now a 4 time GF and a 4 time G-GF. Unfortunately the 3rd G-Grandchild died of crib death at 6 weeks of age.
Get used to it. My daughter is a 3-time grandma. Wait til you're a great grandma LOL
See the following: http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=jade
Good and bad definitions of Jade. I certainly hope the little darling ends up being of the gem variety rather than the bad bitch type. Doesn't really matter to me; I'll be taking my eternal dirt nap before she can influence me one way or the other. LOL
No, but I do feel that old sometimes. Mostly only when I'm awake.
Birth year 1941 - not enough spaces when I signed up - 1996.
btw, did I spell my name wrong or is that just you funnin me? LOL
I've heard the name Jade in movies in exotic circumstances, spy, evil one, dancer, hooker, etc.