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NASAA “Protecting Investors and the Integrity of Financial Markets"
http://www.nasaa.org/NASAA_Newsroom/Current_NASAA_Headlines/6397.cfm
To listen to the webcast live:
http://www.visualwebcaster.com/nationalpressclub/NASAA/event.html
March 19, 2007
NASAA Announces Panelists for March 22 Symposium
Program to be Webcast; Registration Still Open
WASHINGTON--The North American Securities Administrators Association, Inc. (NASAA) today announced panelists for its public symposium, “Protecting Investors and the Integrity of Financial Markets,” and also set plans to broadcast the event live on the Internet.
The Symposium, which is free and open to the public on a first come, first serve basis, will be held on Thursday, March 22 in the Holeman Lounge of the National Press Club, 529 14th Street NW, in Washington, DC. To reserve a seat, please contact Lonnie Martin, at 202-737-0900 or lm@nasaa.org, by 11 a.m. March 20. Onsite registration begins at noon, followed by a light luncheon. The program begins at 12:30 p.m.
To listen to the audio-only webcast, please visit the NASAA website (www.nasaa.org) or click here. The webcast will begin at 12:30 p.m. (EDT) on March 22 and will be archived on NASAA’s website for later listening.
The Symposium will be moderated by Mercer Bullard, a leader in the fight for shareholder rights, and will feature a diverse panel of experts to respond to recent suggestions that U.S. capital markets are losing their competitive edge because of burdensome regulations and regulators who are aggressively protecting investors. Panelists include:
. James D. Cox, Professor, Duke University School of Law;
. Tanya Solov, Illinois Director of Securities;
. Willis Riccio, Partner, Adler, Pollock & Sheehan;
. Nancy Smith, Vice President, Investment Services, AARP Financial; and
. Charles Prestwood, former Enron employee.
.
NASAA is the oldest international organization devoted to investor protection. Its membership consists of the securities administrators in the 50 states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, the U.S. Virgin Islands, Canada, and Mexico.
Apples and Wine
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Share this with all the good apples you know.
Charlotte, North Carolina A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.> The lawyer sued.. and WON!
(Stay with me.) Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. Th e judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA......NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS.
Is it available on E-Bay???
As that big bear said,"I'm with you BooBoo!"
Interesting readinf. Comments SEC treceived on proposed Reg SHO
http://www.sec.gov/comments/s7-12-06/s71206.shtml
Happy Marriage
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe-box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe-box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."
Women will love this:
~A PRAYER~
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods; Because Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll Beat him to death. And I don't know how to crochet
What A Ride!!!
http://www.funny-video-stuff.com/viewmovie.php?path=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.funny-video-stuff.com%2Fcontent...
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My Kind Of Doctor
Love this DOCTOR!!!!
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this
true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't
waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than
an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?< /B>
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be
bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best
feel-good food around!!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What
a Ride!"
Your are a rtedneck if
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
14. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
15. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
16. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You Are a Rednmeck if---
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
14. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
15. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
16. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
The protein being attached by the combinationmight not know if it is coming or going.
joke
Man Tells Police Unicorn Caused Crash
BILLINGS, Mont. (March 14) - A man told police not to blame him for crashing his truck into a light post - it was that unicorn behind the wheel. Prosecutor Ingrid Rosenquist said Phillip C. Holliday Jr. initially denied driving the truck involved in the March 7 crash in Billings. He told officers at the scene that a unicorn was driving, she said.
Holliday, 42, pleaded not guilty Tuesday to felony charges of criminal endangerment and drunken driving.
A pickup truck drove through a red light and nearly struck another truck in the intersection, according to court documents. The driver then made an erratic U-turn through a gas station, crossed the street and crashed into a light pole. Nobody was injured.
Holliday has five drunken-driving convictions. District Judge Gregory Todd kept his bail at $100,000 despite his lawyer arguing that Holliday's last such conviction was 14 years ago.
Police Find Huge Cache of Stolen Underwear
TOKYO (March 14) - Police found more than 4,000 pieces of lingerie in the home of a Japanese construction worker who used climbing skills developed on his job to steal women's underwear.
Police believe that Shigeo Kodama, 54, amassed the 3,977 panties, 355 bras and 10 pairs of stockings over a six-year period. He was arrested in February after he stole underwear from two houses, and police later raided his home.
"Since he was a construction worker, as long as he had a place to put his feet he was able to climb, so he had no trouble getting up to the second floor of apartment buildings," a police spokesman in the western Japanese city of Hiroshima said.
"He didn't steal any other kinds of clothing. But as long as it was underwear, apparently anything would do," the spokesman added.
Missing Man Found Mummified in Texas Home
BEAUMONT, Texas (March 14) - As his family and neighbors in Beaumont, Texas, focused on rebuilding homes and lives battered by Hurricane Rita, few gave much thought to Larry Euglon's long absence.
"All the neighbors asked where Mr. Larry was," said Osborne Johnson, who lived across the street from Euglon for more than 20 years. "We decided he had evacuated with other people and didn't have the chance to come back."
In fact, he never left. The skeletal, mummified remains of the 51-year-old recluse were recently discovered lying on his bed inside his home, which had no major storm damage but was still enveloped by thick branches from two splintered oak trees.
Now people wonder why it took nearly 18 months for Euglon to be found in this southeast Texas city.
"I walked away with more questions than answers. You keep thinking why didn't someone notice this," said Jefferson County Justice of the Peace Vi McGinnis. "It has been the talk of the town."
Investigators believe Euglon died of natural causes, but cannot tell if it happened before or after Rita. He apparently had been ill for some time before his death and lost considerable weight, but the exact nature of his illness is not known.
Some neighbors remember him turning down an offer of evacuation in the days before the storm made landfall at nearby Sabine Pass on Sept. 24, 2005.
Dorothy Euglon remembered her nephew as a hard worker who told humorous stories about being a construction laborer and was nicknamed "Big Tank" because of his one-time weight problem.
"Knowing him, he thought he could ride the storm out," she said. "Now what did he die from? Could it have been fright? Could it have been a heart attack? With 120 mph (193 kph) winds tearing up your house, who knows. Only God knows."
Johnson, 73, said most people left the neighborhood before Rita and stayed away for weeks. When they returned, their focus was on repairing their homes - not Euglon's whereabouts.
Police and fire officials concentrated on homes that sustained structural damage. Euglon's house had no such damage, so it was not checked.
His property gradually became an eyesore with overgrown grass and scattered trash, and was about to be sold for unpaid property taxes.
A potential buyer inspecting the property on Jan. 27 discovered Euglon's fully clothed body on his bed, atop the covers.
The interior of the house appeared undisturbed, covered by a thick layer of dust. The living room was still neatly arranged, and china plates and wine glasses still sat on the dining room table.
Some wonder why Euglon's family did not check on him. He had a daughter, ex-wife and other relatives who lived in Beaumont.
But Dorothy Euglon, who lived less than a mile (1.6 kilometers) away on the same street, says criticism is unfair.
"You could have knocked on that door until hell freezes over and he was not going to let you in," she said. "He did it. Not the family. He disassociated himself and to this day I don't know why."
He shunned most human contact, only coming out of his home to walk around his neighborhood, usually with his head down, and often ran away when he met relatives on the street.
Zenja Hughes, Euglon's former sister-in-law, recalled seeing him dressed in winter clothes during hot weather and saying people were out to get him.
Johnson says no one is at fault for Euglon's death.
"But we are at fault of him not being found," he said. "I fault myself because living this close to him, I should have called the police or somebody and had a search made for him."
Trucker Wants Name to Be Ynot Bubba
LAS CRUCES, N.M. (March 13) - Justin Brady's friends call him Bubba, so he figured why not ask a judge to change it legally. He wants to be known as Ynot Bubba. "It's just a name," Brady, 43, said in a telephone interview from Alabama, where he was on the road.
"I want my name to (be) ... not just something common," said Brady, who lives in Las Cruces but spends most of his time trucking the highways.
Brady said he was given up for adoption as a baby and lived in an orphanage until he was 14, when he was taken in by a couple who divorced two years later. Now, he said, his foster father wants nothing to do with him "and I basically want nothing to do with his name."
His chosen first name, Ynot, comes from communities around the country named Wynot and Whynot.
His choice of last name comes from people he now considers family who nicknamed him Bubba eight years ago for no particular reason.
"They only knew me by Bubba," he said. "I would call and say, 'It's Justin,' and they would say, 'Who?' I'd say 'It's Bubba,' and they knew who it was."
Now he said his friends laugh when he tells them about his pending name change.
Ynot Bubba was the final choice among three names Brady considered. He considered Lacon Marlboro, inspired by the town of like Lacon, Ala., and his preferred choice of cigarette. He also considered More Chek, from his desire for more money.
Brady's name change petition will be heard April 2.
"If you see in the paper that I get denied the first one, you'll see me applying for the other one," said Brady, possibly soon to be Ynot Bubba or Lacon Marlboro or More Chek.
Woman Swallows Toothbrush, Calls for Help
HONG KONG (March 14) - A Hong Kong woman somehow swallowed her toothbrush but still managed to dial 999 and call for an ambulance, a newspaper reported on Wednesday.
The 42-year-old woman's brush with disaster happened on Tuesday morning when she slipped, jamming the offending 15-cm implement down her throat, the South China Morning Post said.
The woman was still able to call 999 without choking and request an ambulance, the paper reported.
"Paramedics obtained another 15cm-long toothbrush at her home, which she said was similar to the one she swallowed, and took it with them to the hospital," the newspaper said.
The instrument was eventually extracted with endoscopic surgery.
"The woman is now recovering and her condition is listed as stable," a hospital spokeswoman was quoted as saying.
Man Accidentally Glues Self to Roof
BERLIN (March 13) - A 91-year-old German man was rescued Tuesday from a sticky situation.
The retiree from the eastern city of Magdeburg had been taking advantage of good spring weather to re-tar the roof of his garden house when he slipped and became glued to the structure himself.
Rescuers were able to free the man, whose name was not released, by prying him loose - bit by bit - from the gooey mess.
Authorities said the man wasn't hurt, but his clothes were a write-off.
Ambassador Recalled Amid Lurid Report
JERUSALEM (March 12) - Israel has recalled its ambassador in El Salvador after he was found drunk and naked with sex toys lying nearby in the yard of his official residence, Israeli media reports said on Monday.
A foreign ministry spokeswoman confirmed that the ambassador, Tsuriel Raphael, was recalled but offered no details. "The ministry sees his behavior as unbecoming of a diplomat," the spokeswoman said.
Israeli media reported that local police found Raphael in the yard of the official residence in San Salvador. The reports said he was drunk, naked, and bound and gagged with a rubber ball in his mouth and sex toys lying near him.
The foreign ministry spokeswoman said the incident took place two weeks ago.
"As soon as the episode was brought to attention of the foreign ministry it reacted and the ambassador was recalled to Israel. He is going to remain in Israel," she said.
Israel would seek another ambassador in El Salvador, an Israeli official said.
BoonMarket.com Announces Research Coverage of NewMarket Technology, Inc.
Investment Case Made for Valuation of $1.35 versus current $.40 in Next Twelve Months
DALLAS, March 14, 2007 - BoonMarket.com announced today research coverage of NewMarket Technology, Inc. (OTCBB: NMKT). NewMarket assists its many clients in maintaining their legacy systems while benefiting from the competitive edge from the latest technology innovations.
Unique to most microcap companies, NMKT seeks to maximize shareholder returns on investment through the independent listing of consolidated regional and emerging technology subsidiaries and issuing subsidiary stock to shareholders in the form of stock dividends. According to the company, NMKT shareholders can expect 2 to 3 stock dividends to be in their portfolios within the next 12-18 months (assuming shareholders hold NMKT at the announced Shareholder of Record dates). The first dividend to be distributed is anticipated within the next few months. So far, NMKT has successfully spun off its China operations into NMKT China (OTCBB: NMCH), its Latin American into Paragon Financial (OTC: PGNF) -to be renamed NewMarket Latin America--and Diamond I (OTCBB: DMOI) to be renamed Newmarket Wireless BroadBand. In the very near future, NMKT is going to spin off its VoIP subsidiary, which is considered by many to be the most exciting subsidiary the company will have. Because the parent company, NewMarket Technology, retains a majority interest in each of the spinoffs, NMKT is able to consolidate 100% of the reported revenues of each of the subsidiaries.
Expect an impressive Q4 and annual report (due out end of March), which should show NMKT meeting its 2006 revenue forecast of $70 Million. NMKT has already released its 2007 revenue forecast at an impressive $120 Million. With a current modest market cap of $88 million and assuming a stable share count, NMKT could see $1.35 in the next 12 months based on a conservative (PSR) of 1X sales ($120 x 1 =$120 divided by$ 88 = $1.35)-conservative compared to the industry standard of 2x sales. Also, when adding in the shareholder benefits derived by the distributed subsidiary stock dividends, a case can be made that the valuation is not unduly aggressive.
An in-depth analysis of the company can be viewed through BoonMarket.com's special email alerts. You can sign up for these alerts for free (limited time only) by visiting http://visitor.constantcontact.com/email.jsp?m=1101186369563.
The website profile for this company can be viewed at http://www.boonmarket.com/investment.html.
For an interview with CEO Philip Verges, please visit: http://www.mn1.com/members/modules.php?name=Downloads&d_op=getit&lid=624
About NewMarket Technology, Inc.
For an interview with CEO Philip Verges, please visit: http://www.mn1.com/members/modules.php?name=Downloads&d_op=getit&lid=624
NewMarket helps clients maintain the delicate balance between maintaining legacy systems and gaining a competitive edge from the latest technology innovations. NewMarket provides certified integration and maintenance services to support the prevailing industry standard solutions to include Microsoft (Nasdaq:MSFT), Cisco Systems (Nasdaq:CSCO), SAP (NYSE:SAP), Siebel (Nasdaq:ORCL) and Sun Microsystems (Nasdaq:SUNW). Concurrently, NewMarket continuously seeks to acquire undiscovered emerging technology assets to incorporate into an overall product portfolio carefully packaged to complement the prevailing industry standard solutions. NewMarket delivers its portfolio of products and services through its global network of Solution Integration subsidiaries in North America, Latin America, China and Singapore. NewMarket maximizes shareholder return on investment by independent listing of consolidated regional and emerging technology subsidiaries in order to issue subsidiary stock in shareholder dividends. For more information about NewMarket Technology, Inc., please visit http://www.newmarkettechnology.com.
Disclaimer: BoonMarket.com was not compensated by NewMarket Technology for the issuance of this profile. Never invest in any stock featured on the BoonMarket.com website or email alerts unless you can afford to lose your entire investment. The information presented herein is not a solicitation to buy any security. BoonMarket.com does not give price targets on any security. The presented information is meant for educational purposes only. Please read our full disclaimer at: http://www.boonmarket.com/legaldisclaimer.html. Safe Harbor Statement under the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995: Certain statements set forth in this press release constitute ''forward-looking statements.'' Forward-looking statements include, without limitation, any statement that may predict, forecast, indicate, or imply future results, performance or achievements, and may contain the word expressions of similar meaning. Such statements are not guarantees of future performance and are subject to risks and uncertainties that could cause the company's actual results and financial position to differ materially from those included within the forward-looking statements. Forward-looking statements involve risks and uncertainties, including those relating to the Company's ability to grow its business. Actual results may differ materially from the results predicted and reported results should not be considered as an indication of future performance.
CONTACT: BoonMarket.com Tel: +1 805 698 9987 e-mail: profiles@
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Subject: Who Is Jack Schitt?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find
ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had
one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva
Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip
Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt
later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them,
she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe
Schitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with
a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper
announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were
Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH. REMEMBER:
LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE.
Subject: Who Is Jack Schitt?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find
ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had
one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva
Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip
Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt
later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them,
she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe
Schitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with
a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper
announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were
Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH. REMEMBER:
LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE.
Exclusive Interview: Gen. Franks Squarely Behind Iraq Troop Surge
Dave Eberhart, NewsMax.com
Monday, March 12, 2007
General Tommy Franks, the former Commander-in-Chief of U.S. Central Command who led U.S. troops in Afghanistan and Iraq, tells NewsMax that he is squarely behind the controversial "surge" of troops.
"The reason that I say this is a good idea is because that's what the leaders on the ground are saying," says Franks, speaking from Hobart, Okla., the future home of the General Tommy Franks Leadership Institute and Museum.
As head of the U.S. Central Command, Franks oversaw American military operations in a 25-country region, including the Middle East. He took the position in July 2000 and served until his retirement on July 7, 2003.
Franks, 61, was the U.S. general who led the attack on the Taliban in Afghanistan following 9/11, and he led the 2003 invasion of Iraq that overthrew Saddam Hussein. He was also Commander-in-Chief of the American occupation forces.
In a free-ranging exclusive interview, Franks set the record straight on the surge and a host of thorny subjects, and revealed the following about President Bush and his administration:
President Bush was never in a rush to invade Iraq.
Bush was always a good leader – calm, studious and deliberative – and was never steam-rolled by his top advisors, but was always his own man.
Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is getting a bum rap.
No administration would have allowed Iraq to continue with business-as-usual after 9/11.
There was plenty of planning and preparation for post-invasion operations in Iraq.
There is a definable limit to what the U.S. will tolerate as to Iran and Syria's interference in Iraq.
The Walter Reed hospital debacle resulted from "failed leadership."
From a converted barn located on the family ranch near the Wichita Mountains in Kiowa County, Okla. – the staging area for the Leadership Institute he wants to build – Franks spoke his mind on these and other critical issues of the day.
NewsMax: I was talking to a young 1st Sergeant fresh back from Iraq not long ago and I asked him his opinion on this surge of additional troops going into Iraq and I got an unexpected reaction. He said, "Sir, hell, let's send 100,000 troops and let's get this job done!"
Gen. Franks: I think you will find beyond the 99th percentile of the youngsters serving there would tell you the same thing. My son-in-law [an Army captain] is in Baghdad as we speak. He has been there about five or six months, and without putting words in his mouth, I think he would probably tell you something similar.
People ask me all of the time, do you think we ought to send more people, and I say of course I do, because the leaders that we have selected to run this operation in Iraq have said they would like to have an additional 20,000 troops.
The reason I say this is a good idea is because that's what the leaders on the ground are saying. If the leaders on the ground were to say we don't need additional troops, then I would say great, we don't need additional troops, because I have confidence in the men and women who are serving on the ground over there and leading our troops. I have confidence today, and I have had it all the way through this process.
NewsMax: A misconception about George Bush as Commander-in-Chief may be how anxious he was to go to war against Saddam Hussein in Iraq. I think many American have the impression that the President was "hot to trot" from the day he was elected.
Gen. Franks: I find that very interesting because we have all read that same sort of view of Bush wanting desperately to get into Iraq, and I, as a person who lived through that, just didn't find it.
The first time the President talked to me about Iraq, if my memory serves, was six or seven days after Hamid Karzai had become the Transitional President of Afghanistan, in December of 2001. So I have always been amazed at those who would suggest that right from the very beginning all he wanted to do was get after Iraq.
I believe he was very doubtful in the run-up to Iraq. We worked on the plan for about 14 months before we ever became satisfied that we had the right approach for Iraq. Our mainstream media did not get it right, and I believe this is a case-in-point.
NewsMax: How about Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld standing down from his post?
Gen. Franks: We need to be very careful as Americans not to confuse patriotism with political expediency. What I mean is it makes sense to me that Don Rumsfeld left the post as Secretary of Defense.
When he did, I didn't question that decision at all, but I do question those who say he was a terrible Secretary of Defense, because I did not find that to be the case. I told a lot of people Don Rumsfeld is a contrarian.
When he was the Secretary of Defense, he was very tough on himself and on everyone around him. I have also described him as a crotchety guy, and he is just tough to deal with. I have also told a great many people that Don Rumsfeld is a friend of mine. I still talk to him, and on occasion when [wife] Cathy and I are in Washington, we will go out to eat with him and [wife] Joyce.
The guy is an American patriot. He was an American patriot. He is just a touchy guy to get along with.
NewsMax: As a Vietnam veteran, you said the last thing you were going to tolerate while leading the Afghanistan or Iraq campaigns would be micromanagement like Gen. William Westmoreland did in Vietnam.
Gen. Franks: In my view, I was successful in avoiding that. I found that it was distinctly possible with a tough issue to take a stand with this administration – specifically with Don Rumsfeld when he was the Secretary – and debate an issue, lay the facts out, discuss an issue.
This is what Rumsfeld used to call "iteration" before arriving at a course of action. In no case did Rumsfeld ever throw me out of his office. In no case did Rumsfeld ever tell me, General Franks, it is my way or the highway.
NewsMax: You were getting needled by Rumsfeld about the apparent lack of progress in Afghanistan and you called your wife and told her to open up a bottle of red wine – you were coming home. At home you called Rumsfeld and said in effect, if you don't have confidence in me, get somebody else. I thought that was very candid portrayal that you set forth in your book "American Soldier." Was that a crisis in leadership or in your relationship with Secretary Rumsfeld?
Gen. Franks: It probably was a crisis of leadership for me. One of the strongest suits that we bring to any activity is confidence – the confidence we have in ourselves as leaders and the confidence we believe our bosses in this country have in our ability to lead.
So we were at a juncture in Afghanistan, which you described adequately, and it was time to say there are no hard feelings here. If you, Mr. Secretary, do not have confidence in what we are doing, then I have only one of two courses of action before me.
One is to cave in and do something I don't believe in, and the other is to say, have a nice day and we can have a change of command here at your leisure. Because that is the honorable thing to do, and so that is what I did.
I think it was surprising to the Secretary because, as I said, he is a tough guy and I doubt it ever occurred to him that I was operating in the way I just described, and he very quickly said, "no, no, I do have confidence and so let's move ahead."
We did, and it turned out fine. But had I not put the proposition on the table the way I did, then I don't think that I would have been a man of principle.
NewsMax: Let's talk about President Bush's leadership traits. You have consistently complimented the Commander-in-Chief, calling him a "true leader."
Gen. Franks: I commented that way while I worked for George W. Bush and I still comment in that fashion. I think it takes a variety of things ... when we think about whether our presidents have been great leaders or good leaders or not very good leaders.
I think that there are a couple of interesting ingredients - one is just what you see every day. We see constant dialogue on our television sets, and in the newspapers we read every day about the views as to whether this president is a good president or bad president. But I think historians have a much more in-depth approach.
As we go through history and people look at the present administration, the factor that will always play into it is the context within which this president had to lead the country. You and I both know, if you think about the events of 9/11 and this attack on America, that is a heck of a context within which a president serves his country, and in my view George W. Bush has done the job with honesty and integrity.
As I have told a great many people, I am neither Democrat nor Republican. In fact, I am a registered Independent. I have been so and foresee that I will stay that way. But I do respect the work that this president has done during a very, very difficult period of American history.
NewsMax: I had the privilege of interviewing Richard Perle a couple of weeks ago and we got on the same leadership failure discussion. He said that some of Bush's advisors failed the president. He got bum advice and acted on it. Is that the case, in your opinion?
Gen. Franks: I don't think so. Knowing George W. Bush as I know him, and I would say that I know him pretty well, I never saw the President steam-rolled. There is a lot of media speculation that the advisers all got together and pushed one agenda or another and I simply did not see that to be the case.
I found the mind of George W. Bush to be very curious, and intellectually demanding. He did not want his people to line up to say, "oh yes, we should take this course of action," but rather to have people argue for various courses of action.
I found him to be not only studious but very thoughtful as I watched him carefully factor in everything that he was told and make decisions.
NewsMax: The President appeared as careful in his deliberations when it came to the stance on stem cell research. He labored on that for a long time.
Gen. Franks: It's true.
NewsMax: I hope the recent disclosure of failures at Walter Reed Hospital hasn't discouraged you. Was this a creature of failed leadership?
Gen. Franks: Of course. As I look around and see these kids coming back in many cases very seriously injured, requiring hospitalization and a great deal of medical work, the thought that any given one of them or their families are not treated the way I would want my daughter and my son-in-law who is in the military treated – I find that hurtful.
NewsMax: Is it a misconception that there was no proper planning for post-victory in Iraq?
Gen. Franks: Right.
NewsMax: You have commented that during your time as a young junior officer in Vietnam, you were frustrated by the enemy getting sanctuary in Cambodia and you declared, "If I live long enough to get anywhere in this Army, I won't let the enemy operate from a refuge like that." Is that the type of refuge that you wouldn't tolerate in Iraq?
Gen. Franks: The type of refuge I wouldn't tolerate actually concerns a couple of different levels. First the strategic:
If you were the President of the United States before 9/11, it is possible for you to simply live with what was going on in Iraq ... The fact of the matter is that Iraq was a sanctuary we were unable to penetrate, despite the fact that we sanctioned Iraq. You will recall that our young men and women were enforcing those sanctions for almost 10 years, and they were getting shot at every morning and every night, but none of them had been shot down, so it was possible to ignore that sanctuary during this period of time.
When 9/11 occurred, now what is the likelihood that any administration in power in this country - no matter which side of the aisle - could have ignored Iraq? You couldn't have ignored the sanctuary in the aftermath of 9/11. My opinion is that it is not likely that given what we saw on 9/11 that any administration would permit Iraq to continue in a business-as-usual sort of way.
So at the level of the strategic, that may be a match for having Cambodia off limits during the Vietnam War. It may be a match for having had North Vietnam essentially off limits to ground power during the time of Vietnam - and so there might be a little bit of an analogy there.
Now, as we look at Syria and Iran, we are confronted with yet another decision: how much tolerance do we have for activities in Syria and Iran that are not helpful to our work in Iraq? On the other hand, they are not literally staging tens of thousands of troops in those countries that directly threaten the work we are doing in Iraq.
I think that Syria and Iran require close watching and continuous analysis, so that we do not get ourselves in a position such as what we found in Vietnam. A long answer to your question, but I do believe that both Iran and Syria require watching.
NewsMax: Your predecessor in CENTCOM, Marine Gen. Tony Zinni, advised you that you were going to be the cop in the world's most dangerous neighborhood, and if the U.S. was going to be involved in a war, it would be there. He also advised that the Middle East would never become stable until there is an equitable peace settlement between Israel and the Palestinians. Do you agree with the latter?
Gen. Franks: You bet, and we agreed on that and I suspect that we still agree on that because the view of the United States of America in the Middle East is based in large measure on what the people in the Middle East see going on with the Palestinians and with Israel, and so they make hay of that 24 hours a day.
NewsMax: In 2004, you said: "A year from now, Iraq will be a different country. Our steady progress in Afghanistan is one factor that gives me confidence that Iraq will be able to rebuild their country with equal speed and ease." That hasn't happened...
Gen. Franks: Right.
NewsMax: Would this dilemma in Iraq and Afghanistan be something that your Leadership Institute would tackle?
Gen. Franks: I think absolutely.
I believed in the summer of 2003 that we would be in a three-to-five-year process before we would see things stabilized and settled in Iraq.
I don't know how accurate that will turn out to be. We're at four years now and we're sure it's not where we want it to be. So I'm not sure that my prediction was right. It certainly didn't happen in a year.
NewsMax: The $64,000 question then is does Iraq represent a failure in leadership?
Gen. Franks: My sense is that there was not a failure in leadership. These are very complex issues, and I suppose that in order to find a failure in leadership one should be able to look back and say that at any given point in time we had a selection of options and had we taken another course, then very clearly that other option would have presented a better set of circumstances than we have now.
I in that sort of framework, it is possible to conclude we had bad decision-making and so maybe there was a failure in leadership. However, I don't see that even in hindsight. One can say if we simply had not gone into Iraq in March of 2003, it is very clear that America would be better off today. Actually, I don't believe that.
NewsMax: You once said there may not have been weapons of mass destruction, but you suggested a metaphor that what Saddam had was like a disassembled pistol lying on the desk.
Gen. Franks: Exactly to the point. Did we find weapons of mass destruction? No we did not. Did we find the terrorist Abu Abbas [mastermind of the 1985 Achille Lauro hijacking], who shoved [Leon] Klinghoffer overboard, living in the open in Iraq when we moved in there? ... Yes, we did.
So who is to say that left to his own devices, Saddam Hussein wouldn't have created a problem that could have been much more substantial to our country than the events of 9/11? I just don't believe that the leaders of the United States were in a position post 9/11 to say that business as usual would be just fine.
Let me give you an example of that. What did we see happen in 1983 in Beirut, Lebanon? We saw the interests of the United States of America attacked by terrorists with a bombing of our Marines. What did we see in 1993? We saw an attempt on the World Trade Center by terrorists, and we saw the United States of America back away unilaterally from something we had committed to do in Mogadishu, Somalia. Then in 1996 we saw Khobar Towers - the attack of American interests by terrorists in Saudi Arabia.
In 1998, we saw two attacks on American embassies in East Africa, and in 2000 we saw the USS Cole attacked in Aden Harbor, Yemen.
So here is the question: Is there any relationship between the events over the course of about two decades that I just mentioned and the events of 9/11/01? I do believe there is a connection. I don't mean a physical connection between any of the specific events, but an indication served up to terrorists over the course of almost two decades that says it is okay to attack the interests of the United States of America without fear of serious retribution.
So as we look at American history going back a couple of decades, I believe we can be comfortable with the notion that if we hide our heads in the sand, the problem is not going to go away.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little something to lighten your day!!!!
My Doctor....
My doctor is very good. If you tell him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.
Another time he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
Another time a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film." The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem." The doctor asked, "When did it start?" The man replied, "When did what start?"
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: Don't answer it.
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these if they don't work, give me a ring."
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.
But doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment and then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
A little something to lighten your day!!!!
My Doctor....
My doctor is very good. If you tell him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.
Another time he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
Another time a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film." The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem." The doctor asked, "When did it start?" The man replied, "When did what start?"
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: Don't answer it.
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these if they don't work, give me a ring."
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.
But doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment and then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
...Just in case you haven't seen this before...
The Value of a Drink
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a fool.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his
buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
TO STAY AWAKE DURING MANAGEMENT INSERVICES: OFFERED AS A PUBLIC SERVICE
Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and inservices? Here's a way to
change all of that.
1. Before (or during) your next meeting, inservice or staff
development, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5" x 5"
is a good size.
Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give
you 25 one-inch blocks.
2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
* no child left behind
* test scores
* core competencies
* communication
* standards
* multiple exposures
* benchmarks
* proactive
* win-win
* think outside the box
* action plan
* result-driven
* assessments
* knowledge base
* at the end of the day
* touch base
* mindset
* differentiated
* retention
* skills
* background knowledge
* effective learning
* exemplars
* implementation
* reflection
*paradigm shift
3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally
stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"
TESTIMONIALS from satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:
-- "I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won." -
Adam W., Atlanta
-- "My attention span at inservices has improved dramatically." -
David T., Orlando
-- "What a gas! Staff development will never be the same for me after
my first win." - Dan J., New York City
-- "The atmosphere was tense in the last inservice as 14 of us waited
for the fifth box." - Ben G, Denver
-- "The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULLSHIT!' for
the third time in two hours. The Bullshit Bingo Championship will be
played at the next inservice." -Rod H. Nashville
Basics of Business
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... but she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..."
The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend... so she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...?
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to getting screwed.
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Gates vs. GM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
--
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This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
Gates vs. GM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
--
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This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
CLN traded at $4.80 during After Hours. This moved up more than 5%. .
Could it possibly be that what I posted is intended to be a joke???
CHEAP LABOR? Isn't that what the whole immigration issue is about? Business doesn't want to pay a decent wage Consumers don't want expensive produce Government will tell you Americans don't want the jobs But the bottom line is cheap labor. The phrase "cheap labor" is a myth, a farce, a lie...an oxymoron. There is no such thing as "cheap labor." Take, for example, an illegal alien with a wife and five children. He takes a job for $5.00 or $6.00/hour. At that wage, with six dependents, he pays no income tax, yet at the end of the year, if he files an Income Tax Return, he gets an "earned income credit" of up to $3,200 free. He qualifies for Section 8 housing and subsidized rent He qualifies for food stamps He qualifies for free (no deductible, no co-pay) health care . His children get free breakfasts and lunches at school. He requires bilingual teachers and books
.
He qualifies for relief from high energy bills. If they are or become, aged, blind or disabled, they qualify for SSI. Once qualified for SSI they can qualify for Medicare. All of this is at the taxpayer's expense.
He doesn't worry about car insurance, life insurance, or homeowners insurance. Taxpayers provide Spanish language signs, bulletins and printed material. He and his family receive the equivalent of $20.00 to $30.00/hour in benefits. Working Americans are lucky to have $5.00 or $6.00/hour left after paying their bills and his. The American taxpayer's also pay for increased crime, graffiti and trash clean up. Cheap labor? YEAH RIGHT! Wake up people!
Kind of scary, isn't it when you think about it?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
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All About Florida
FLORIDA: So nice, we let you vote twice! FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count, then take I-95 and visit one of the other 53 states! FLORIDA: If you think we can't VOTE, wait till you see us DRIVE. FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, Re-vote. FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount! FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts. FLORIDA: Don't blame me, I voted for Gore, I think. And my personal favorite: FLORIDA: It ain't good when Alabama counts faster than we do!
WIT AND WISDOM - MILITARY SOURCES
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher
fire when you least expect it. That would make you
quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate.
The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- US Army Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly
over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword
obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me
- U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last,
and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Sailor
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF AmmoTroop
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I
am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
- Anonymous
Blue water Navy truism:
"There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
- An old carrier sailor
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage,
it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always
have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Without ammunition, the USAF would
be just another expensive flying club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers
and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common expressions
(or famous last words) in aviation are:
. "Why is it doing that?",
. "Where are we?"
. And "Oh S...!"
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always
needed to successfully complete the flight."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation;
we never left one up there!"
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a
flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing
your plight to a person on the ground incapable of
understanding or doing anything about it."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world;
it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably
isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly
the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and military test pilot)
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
Basic Flying Rules:
"Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go
near the edges of it. The edges of the air can
be recognized by the appearance of ground,
buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
It is much more difficult to fly there."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked
when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing,
the crash truck arrives,the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot
and asks "What happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
WIT AND WISDOM - MILITARY SOURCES
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher
fire when you least expect it. That would make you
quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate.
The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- US Army Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly
over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword
obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me
- U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last,
and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Sailor
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF AmmoTroop
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I
am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
- Anonymous
Blue water Navy truism:
"There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
- An old carrier sailor
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage,
it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always
have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Without ammunition, the USAF would
be just another expensive flying club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers
and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common expressions
(or famous last words) in aviation are:
. "Why is it doing that?",
. "Where are we?"
. And "Oh S...!"
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always
needed to successfully complete the flight."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation;
we never left one up there!"
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a
flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing
your plight to a person on the ground incapable of
understanding or doing anything about it."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world;
it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably
isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly
the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and military test pilot)
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
Basic Flying Rules:
"Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go
near the edges of it. The edges of the air can
be recognized by the appearance of ground,
buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
It is much more difficult to fly there."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked
when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing,
the crash truck arrives,the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot
and asks "What happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
The wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed,
"I warned you to be careful!
Now we'll have to go up there,
Find the owner,
Apologies,
And see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said,
"Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:
Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on
Its side near the broken window.
A large black man reclining on the couch asked,"
Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh..yeah,
Sir.
We're sorry about that,"
The husband replied.
"Oh,
No apology is necessary.
Actually I want to thank you.
You see,
I'm A Genie,
And I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me,
I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
I'll give you each
one wish,
But if you don't mind,
I'll keep the last
One for myself."
"Wow,
that's great!"
The husband said.
He pondered a moment and blurted out,
"I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem,"
Said the genie.
"You've got it,
it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long,
Healthy life!
And now you, young lady,
what do you want?"
The genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country
In the world,"
She said.
Consider it done,
"the genie said."
And your homes will always be safe
From fire,
Burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now,"
The couple asked in unison,
"What's your wish,
Genie?"
"Well,
Since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
Woman in more than a thousand years,
My wish is to have sex with your Wife!"
The husband looked at his wife and said,
"Gee,
Honey,
you know we both now have a fortune,
And all those houses.
What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said,
"You know,
You're right.
Considering our good fortune,
I guess I wouldn't mind,
But what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart,"
Said the husband.
"I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
The afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex,
The genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked,
"How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded, breathlessly.
No Kidding."
He said,
"Thirty-five years old and both of you still
Believe in genies?"
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
The wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed,
"I warned you to be careful!
Now we'll have to go up there,
Find the owner,
Apologies,
And see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said,
"Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:
Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on
Its side near the broken window.
A large black man reclining on the couch asked,"
Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh..yeah,
Sir.
We're sorry about that,"
The husband replied.
"Oh,
No apology is necessary.
Actually I want to thank you.
You see,
I'm A Genie,
And I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me,
I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
I'll give you each
one wish,
But if you don't mind,
I'll keep the last
One for myself."
"Wow,
that's great!"
The husband said.
He pondered a moment and blurted out,
"I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem,"
Said the genie.
"You've got it,
it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long,
Healthy life!
And now you, young lady,
what do you want?"
The genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country
In the world,"
She said.
Consider it done,
"the genie said."
And your homes will always be safe
From fire,
Burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now,"
The couple asked in unison,
"What's your wish,
Genie?"
"Well,
Since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
Woman in more than a thousand years,
My wish is to have sex with your Wife!"
The husband looked at his wife and said,
"Gee,
Honey,
you know we both now have a fortune,
And all those houses.
What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said,
"You know,
You're right.
Considering our good fortune,
I guess I wouldn't mind,
But what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart,"
Said the husband.
"I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
The afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex,
The genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked,
"How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded, breathlessly.
No Kidding."
He said,
"Thirty-five years old and both of you still
Believe in genies?"
Woman's Work
Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about it.
"We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired and said he had a headache..."
God is good
Justice Was Done-- And very quickly!
American Tourist Kills Mugger in Costa Rica
By Dan Schlossberg
ConsumerAffairs.Com
February 27, 2007
Foreign muggers who consider U.S. tourists easy prey should think again.
A 70-something ex-Marine just killed a masked assailant in Costa Rica.
The unidentified American was part of a Carnival Liberty cruise group that hired a driver in Limon, 80 miles from the Costa Rican capital of San Jose, when the daylight attack occurred.
Three masked men, brandishing a gun and knives, accosted the Americans as they were leaving the van at a beach.
That's when the former Marine collared the 20-year-old gunman, who had prior arrests for assault, and choked him. He was pronounced dead of asphyxiation at a Limon hospital.
The mugger was identified as Warner Segura but the name of the man who saved his friends was withheld by both Costa Rican authorities and the U.S. Embassy to protect his privacy.
No charges were filed, according to local law enforcement officials, because the ex-Marine acted in self-defense. The group was allowed to return to the ship, which was delayed only slightly by the incident.
Although Costa Rica has coveted the American tourist dollar, it has also had to cope with increasing levels of violence in recent years.
With attacks against American tourists on the rise throughout the Caribbean, visitors would be wise to travel in groups and be especially wary after dark.
Why The Non English Speaking World Hates Us
Asylum for the Verbally Insane
Author unknown
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for
granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither
from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham. Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to
an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital? We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
So if Father is Pop, how come Mother isn't Mop?
And that is just the beginning--even though this is the end.
Asylum for the Verbally Insane
Author unknown
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for
granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither
from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham. Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to
an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital? We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
So if Father is Pop, how come Mother isn't Mop?
And that is just the beginning--even though this is the end.
Subject: Flat Belly
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him .
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it." "Your wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
If you don't forward this joke in 5 minutes you will have bad sex for fifteen years!
Subject: Flat Belly
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him .
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it." "Your wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
If you don't forward this joke in 5 minutes you will have bad sex for fift een years!