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The World's Ultimate Elvis Presley Impersonator :
Hitler bails out Cyprus :
This should scare you--our dumb Americans
Thought you might get a good laugh out of this...
DDD getting crushed
DDD getting crushed
Surfing
THE OLD SAILOR
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the
docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,
but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three
knots.'
'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot
getting your money back'.
Monica Lewinski Update
After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a mirror...
remembering the times with Bill Clinton....
Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help......"God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.
And just like that, her ears fell off !
*IMPOSSIBILITIES IN OUR WORLD :
*
*1. YOU can't count your hair
2. YOU can't wash your eyes with soap
3. YOU can't breathe when your tongue is out
Put your tongue back in, dummy...I really didn't think*
*you'd fall for it...
9. Things I know about you...
1) YOU are reading this
2) YOU are human.
3) YOU can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips
4) YOU just attempted to do it
6) YOU are laughing inwardly at yourself
7) YOU have a smile on your face and you skipped No.5
8) YOU just checked to see if there is a No.5
9) YOU laugh at this because you are an idiot & everyone does it too.
The other side of the coin! Pretty funny if you’re not a chauvinist pig!
A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT BLONDE FEMALES FLOAT AROUND THE INTERNET BUT SOME MAY BE SURPRISED THAT THERE IS A WHOLE GROUP OF JOKES ABOUT MEN THAT MANY DO NOT SEE. ENJOY THIS OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN.
-------- -------- --------- ------ -------- --------
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'
And they say blondes are dumb....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.
------------ --------- -------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
--------- --------- --------- ----
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
---- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy. .
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.........
......then He made the earth round.
Mrs. Brown has trouble with a condom..... funny!
Home from college
This is funny!!!
It's NYC and The Subway...
Elmo
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Hospital Bill
You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency
open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard
loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to
pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?"
asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
This Tim Conway and Carol Burnett skit never aired. You'll see why.
Carol Burnett Show outtakes - Mr. Tudball needs a secretary - YouTube
GROANERS :
When chemists die, we barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro — what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
Be kind your dentist. He has fillings, too.
____________________________________________________________
Last trip to Krogers
Yesterday I was at my local Kroger buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Kroger won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.
The Spoon
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference
in an organization. Very Impressive!
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant,
'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took
our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils,
I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had
spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired,
'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired
Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that
the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately
3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce
the number of trips back to the kitchen and save
15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he
replaced it with his spare.
'I'll get another spoon next time
I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip
to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging
out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had
the same string hanging from their flies.
So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter,
'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have
that string right there?'
"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned
that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what,
we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate
the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly,
'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered,
'I don't know about the others,
but I use the spoon.'
Putting the dog down....too funny!
Mrs. Browns dog is very old and unwell. The kids are trying to figure out a way to tell her that its time to put the dog down.
Click to watch. (promise: NO Kleenexes needed...)
http://www.youtube.com/embed/U430rpfjIIQ
DONATIONS
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're
asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.
Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
A little girl on an airplane
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
The Box Under Bill & Hillary's Bed
When Bill and Hillary Clinton first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never did then curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid
On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly
curious as to why there even was such a box with such anniversary dinner. contents. That evening, they were out for a special evening
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry,
Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in . But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you
have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans,
I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
Trust your husband
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says,
"Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say "hello"?
President's day
Gotta love those grandkids. See, they are learning something in certain schools.
I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"
Without skipping a beat she said "It's President's Day!".
She is a smart kid. So I asked her "What does President's Day mean?".
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc.
She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Shit.”
" You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!”
nice volume today
FOR ALL YOU CAR LOVERS OUT THERE!
Welcome to the GM tunnel of love in Detroit. Even the public and the media aren't allowed in this building. Very few people know it exists.
Helped someone that was homesick
I was in St Pete's Beach,
Florida the other day and saw a bumper sticker on a
parked car that read, "I miss Detroit."
So I broke the
window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left
a note that read, "I hope this helps!"
Joke of the Day
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Elizabeth stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
For some reason, wives tend to like this joke........
2-2-2013
Something to look forward to…….
In 2013, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.
This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.
The other involves a groundhog.
Fishing
A good old Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,
"What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to
float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."
His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees
the wife and asks where his brother is.
She says, "He's out there in his bass boat",
pointing to the field behind the house.
The brother heads out behind the house and sees his
brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a
bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand .
He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?"
His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?"
His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Alabama
a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. If
I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"
New Federal policy :
The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for agents today:
They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers or go to strip bars.
The rules say that from now on, if agents feel compelled to engage in such behavior, they must run for public office like everyone else
The History of the Condom
I've always been a student of history but I didn't know this.
In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a
goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the
intestine out of the goat first.
FYI: I did not run this through Snopes, I got it from a friend
From the American Association Of Retired People
Questions and Answers from AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: In a bookstore under "Fiction'
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done you'll have a place to live.
Q: Someone said menopause is mentioned in the bible.. Is that true?
Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ..."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles? A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem
.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?
STRESS MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUE
Just in case you are having a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.
The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so clear that you can make out the face of the Democrat you're holding underwater.
See it worked. You're smiling already.
Obama Teaches Malia to Drive
Where can I get a free trial--please
Gapper FB