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FEYE moving up
I was told today by my broker that the margin requirement was raised to 95 %
Why Teachers DRINK
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)
Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
(So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A.. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow
(Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal
cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart
and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (?)
Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
(That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
(brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.
Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his
diaper and wraps it around his head.
(now we're getting somewhere)
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord..
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron
bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
Two classics one car
Take notice in the video that she lays a shop rag on the running board
to step onto when she gets in and out of the car. After she is in the car, she leans
all the way down to the running board to get the rag.
Click on the internet address below to view this beautiful car and
listen to this ageless lady.
Ole the Norwegian Wrestler
A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen..
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
Dying Priest
In Washington, D.C., an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before I die," whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to the President and Congress and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Harry Reid would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Reid, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” Reid agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Reid's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen", said Obama. "Amen", said Reid.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."
REDNECK MAGIC!
A black guy and a redneck go into a pastry shop.
The black guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with
lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.
The black guy says to the redneck: "You see how clever
black people are? You rednecks can never beat that!"
The redneck says to the black guy: "Any redneck is
smarter than any black guy. Watch this and I'll prove
it to ya."
He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I'll show you
a magic trick!" The baker gives him the cookie, which
the redneck promptly eats. Then he says to the baker:
"Give me another cookie for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him.
He eats this one too. Then he says again: "Give me one
more cookie..."
The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one
anyway. The redneck eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is
your famous magic trick?"
The redneck says, "Look in the black guy's pocket!"
NORTH PLATTE CANTEEN, NORTH PLATTE, NEBRASKA ... 1941-1945
Great video. I didn't know about North Platte
Canteen until I saw this video. This is awesome.
I had never heard this story before.
PLEASE TAKE A FEW MINUTES TO WATCH....
YOU'LL NOT REGRET ONE MINUTE OF IT!
PUNOGRAPHY
· I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
· When chemists die, they barium.
· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is
now a seasoned veteran.
· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
· This dyslexic man walks into a bra .
· PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.
· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
· I wondered why the cricket ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
· Broken pencils are pointless.
· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
· All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
· Velcro - what a rip off!
· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Murmurations
This is a short video of the bird species Starlings and their "murmurations." Quite amazing and beautiful to watch.
www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=88UVJpQGi88&feature=player_embedded&hd=1
Socially Unacceptable humor :
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend says I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend, yet.
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa! Who knew?
One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
Quadrotor with 100-round machine gun :
Take a look at the video link below and watch it in full-screen. Some fellow has created a remotely controlled quadro-copter fitted out with a 100 round machine gun. Watch him as he has fun blowing up mannequins and cars.
It is all done with a touch of humor but the reality is that this fellow has created a very lethal killing machine that could be remotely controlled and come into your yard, or house and kill everyone there. Then fly away or self-destructed.
Two roosters don't make a chicken :
www.youtube.com/watch?v=iY9l_a43YLM
Female comebacks :
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Web sites that got it wrong :
These are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time to consider how their online name might appear.
These are not made up. Check them out yourself!
1.'Who Represents' is where you
can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity.
Their Web site is: www.whorepresents.com
2.'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: http://www.expertsexchange.com/
3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than
' Pen Island '. It can be found at:
www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist
Finder' at:
http://www.therapistfinder.com/
5. Then there's the 'Italian Power
Generator' company. Check
it out at:
www.powergenitalia.com
6.'IP computer' software,
there's always: www.ip_anywhere.com
7. And the designers at 'Speed of
Art' await you at their wacky web site:
www.speedofart.com
Have a fun day! Just
be careful what you name YOUR new web
site...
E Harmony
Your application to join our online dating agency has been REJECTED.
One of the questions we asked on the application was: 'What do you like most in a woman?'
'My dick' is not an appropriate answer.
Thank you for your interest
God created the Midwest
On the sixth day, God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create an area of land called The Midwest. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall hills and rolling plains full of game and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and streams full of trout, forests full of deer and turkeys, valleys with fertile soil with an abundance nutrients to grow things, and rivers teeming with fish."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Midwesterners, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Midwesterners??"
"Not really," replied God.. "Just wait and see the winters I am going to give them!"
Call me Senator
If you remember the verbal exchanges a few years ago, between Senator Barbara Boxer (D) CA
and the Army Brigadier General, when she asked him to call her Senator instead of Ma'am
(because she'd worked so hard to get her title), you'll love this little video!!
Jokes:
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
***********
I was talking to a girl in a bar in Toledo next to the depot, last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
***********
I was telling another girl in that bar in Toledo next to the depot about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
***********
I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
____________________________________________________________
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk
to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora...."The gardener did."
Wife: "So, Maria, how much do you want?"
Blood
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him, "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street."
To this the Arab replied, "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins."
For all you fishermen
What you don't see on the fishing shows:
http://www.wimp.com/classicbloopers/
Who would have known?
Isn't this ironic !!!! I wonder why it took so long for people to figure out the truth !!!
1-800-382-5968 .
Check your phone pad. 1-800 F ** k You
is actually this number for Obama's Health Care Hotline 1-800-382-5968 .
As you dial, look at the corresponding alphabet for each number.
It’s true! Is that Ironic , o r Prophetic?
This number was set up by the Department of Health and Human Services!!!
Finland defeated Russia in hockey to knock Russia out of any medal
Finland beating Russia 3 to 1 end of 2nd period in hockey
How to poop at work :
http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_toilet_humor/how_to_poop_at_work.shtml
Ole, Sven, and Lars decide they are going to Mexico for a vacation.
They get falling down drunk and wake up in
jail and find out they all have been sentenced to die in the electric chair.
Sven is the first to be strapped in the electric chair and the guards ask if he has any last words. Sven says, "I yust graduated from St. John's College in Minnesota, with a degree in divinity studies, and I am a good Christian man ... but if it is God's will for me to die, so be it." The guards throw the switch and nothing happens.
The guards get on their knees and say, "You are surely a Godly man and we are going to let you go." Lars is next to be strapped into the electric chair and the guards ask if he has any last words. Lars says, "I yust graduated from Concordia college in Moorhead, Minnesota, with a degree in divinity studies, and I am a God fearing man. If it is my time to die, it is God's will." The guards throw the switch and nothing happens. The guards say, "You also are a Godly man and we are going to let you go."
Ole is the last to be strapped into the electric chair. The guards ask him if he has any last words. Ole says, "Vel, I yust graduated from Luther College in electrical engineering ... and I'll tell ya right now, if you don't plug dat ting in, it ain't gonna work."
Pregnant on the bus
Just adding a little humor to your day.
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn 't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming ' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the
swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William 's Big Stick Did the Trick, ' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time And sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident! ' ... I just lost it. '
'CASE DISMISSED!! '
The Gym
Dear Diary, for my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
______________________________ __
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
____________ ___________________
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
______________________________ _
THURSDAY: Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY: I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
______________________________ __
SATURDAY: Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Disney Studios in an uproar......
Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black," the African-American version of "Snow White," has been put on hold.
All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Raper, Pimp, and Shank, have refused to sing "Hi Ho" because
they say it offends their black prostitutes.
They also say they have no intention of singing "It's off to work we go".
One Last Kiss
Just in time for Valentine's Day.
http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_adult_humor/one_last_kiss.shtml
Baby Clydesdale
http://www.youtube.com/embed/PU92XeqhRSA
This is nearly 50 years old and as funny today as it was on that night in 1964 when Jack Paar handed a simple stick to Jonathan Winters without a script.
http://biggeekdad.com/2013/04/jonathan-winters-stick/#.UXfWSphGZzg..email
Just watch this quick video and think back.
This is an incredibly great video, humbles you right down to your toes. I will pass this to all I can as it is one of the best “ America Tributes"!!
$5.37!
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.
Having already handed the
kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change
when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
"Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
?
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?
A mere child!
Senior citizen?
?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.
Was he blind?
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me?
?
I'll show him, I thought.
I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter,
and there he was waiting with a smile.
?
Before I could say a word, he held up something
and jingled it in front of me,
like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now?
A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind!
?
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now?
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.
?
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
?
Then, a few other objects came into focus:
The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.
?
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
?
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,
relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
That is when I
felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!
My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito
only it was nowhere to be found.
?
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,
and strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.
All I could think was,
"What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?
At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,
and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
?
Elmo had no clue.
I walked back out to the truck,
and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.
He was holding up a drink and a bag.
His mother explained,
"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
?
She offered these kind words:
"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.
Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.
And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
?
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.
I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.
I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.
Hitler finds out he can't keep his doctor under Obamacare