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Churass.........is this you? It really sounds like your MO.
A 36-year-old man from Arcadia, Fla., checked himself into a counseling clinic in March after being identified as the one who had been pretending in public to be choking on food and persuading women to grasp him in the Heimlich maneuver, after which he would hug them lavishly and attempt clumsily to develop a relationship. A sheriff's spokesman in Charlotte County, site of the most recent reports, said the man probably had done nothing illegal. (Novelist Chuck Palahniuk, author of "Fight Club," recently published "Choke," whose storyline roughly matches the man's actions, but apparently some Florida incidents predated the book's publication.) [Port Charlotte Sun-Herald, 3-3-03; Tampa Tribune-Sarasota Herald-Tribune, 3-12-03]
ACTUALLY, THIS SOUNDS MORE LIKE YOU;
Gerald F. Berg gave police a false name when stopped, saying he had left his wallet at home, but when police spotted the wallet in Berg's pants pocket, along with methamphetamine, Berg quickly professed confusion, telling police that the pants he was wearing weren't his (Spokane, Wash., October).
OR MAYBE THIS ONE. WHAT EVER ONE IT IS, YOU DEFINITELY FIT THE MORON MOLD
And when Marcus J. Thomas, 20, who was being discharged from jail, was discovered to have eight rocks of crack cocaine in his rectum, he quickly told police that the drugs weren't his (La Crosse, Wis., February). [Spokesman-Review, 10-3-02] [La Crosse Tribune, 2-17-03]
Matt; just curious as to the length of time I'm suppose to serve? I've been here for almost a month, if not more.
I've posted to you in the past about getting re-instated with my Grandfathered privilages, so if I wanted to PM someone I could. I didn't have that capability the last time, and I ended up in the Hanoi Hilton.
Your rules state:
Instructions for those new to the Jail program:
1) If you have gone to post and see the red alert saying "Your account has been suspended. You can only post to the Jail," then you are in the right place.
2) Check in here with me by posting a message to me (a REPLY to a post of mine).
3) Figure out what you did wrong (often, you already know).
4) Negotiate a deal and/or serve your time.
Thanks
Philo
Cassy, is this what you do when you aren't posting 24/7?
A woman has been charged with corruption of minors and lewdness after chasing a boy and a girl with an "artificial penis" hanging out of her pants...
Linda Schultz of Pottsgrove, PA has been charged with corruption of minors and lewdness after she placed what authorities are calling an "artificial penis" in her pants such that it hung out in such a way as to appear to be a penis and chased a boy and girl ages 7 and 8 with it, eventually hitting the girl on the head.
(To the rest of us, "artificial penis" means "dildo".)
Police say the kids were traumatized by the incident, and I can't say I blame them. Hell, I would be traumatized by having a 35-year-old woman chasing me around the house with a dildo between her legs. That would scare the crap out of me even more than that scene in Signs when you first see the alien's reflection in the TV. One of the kids started running around mimicking the behaviour of Schultz and had to receive counseling.
Schultz is free pending her next hearing on $8500 bail, but is forbidden from having contact with the children of the case.
And what meaningful shit do you spout? Why don't you do an Ultrabrite commercial..........cause you have the whitest teeth I've ever come across.
Hans, he did it the same way Cassy did, they threw a party in their mouths and everyone came.
Philo
Cadence, death by fart, or are you just blowing hot air?
I'm pleased--yes, I suppose "pleased" is the right word--to find that this vital scientific subject has not been neglected by the research community. There are over 500 articles on flatulence available in Medline.
Let's start off with some basics Phacts 'n' Phigures. We find, first of all, that the 14-toots-per-day figure is a reasonable average, but this can be increased by the careful selection of diet: "Over a one-week period on their usual diet, subjects passed gas 10 +/- 1 times/day [upper limit of normal (mean + 2 SD): 20 times/day]. The addition of the nonabsorbable disaccharide lactulose (10 g/day) to the diet significantly (P < 0.01) increased flatus frequency to 19 +/- 2.4 times per day. Gender, age, and the ability of an individual's colonic flora to produce methane had no significant influence on flatus frequency either on the basal or lactulose-supplemented diets." (Furne JK. Levitt MD. Factors influencing frequency of flatus emission by healthy subjects. Digestive Diseases & Sciences. 41(8):1631-5, 1996).
Note that the key factor is carbohydrate, not protein, incidentally.
Moreover, we find (as we already knew, really) that some individuals are unusually talented in this art: "Some subjects consistently passed gas more often than did others. (THIS MUST BE WHERE YOU COME IN) These individual differences appeared to result, in part, from differences in the ability of the flora to produce gas from a given quantity of fermentable material." These individuals are, of course, the ones sitting beside you in the plane.
Moreover, apparently some people are more prone to producing methane, while others are more likely to produce sulphides: "In about 50% of a European and North-American population and in 90% of rural black Africans, methane is generated from H2 and CO2. In methane-negative individuals, sulfate reducing bacteria utilize H2 to reduce sulfate to sulfide. Methanogenesis and sulfate reduction are usually mutually exclusive." (Christl SU. Scheppach W. Kasper H. Hydrogen metabolism in the large intestine--physiology and clinical implications. Zeitschrift fur Gastroenterologie. 33(7):408-13, 1995)
What foods are most flatus-inducing? It partly depends on the person. If, for example, you're lactose-intolerant and you ingest lactose, then it's not digested in your upper intestine and the colonic bacteria are treated to a veritable feast of lactose, which they celebrate in the usual way.
Some of the foods which are mentioned as being particularly devastating are cowpeas (which lead to "indigestion, vomiting, diarrhoea, increased belching, bad breath, offensive stool, flatulence, constipation, mild abdominal discomfort and sleepiness", which raises the question as to why they haven't become more popular than they are), (Ndubuaku VO. Uwaegbute AC. Nnanyelugo DO. Flatulence and other discomforts associated with consumption of cowpea (Vigna unguiculata). Appetite. 13(3):171-81, 1989), beans, cabbage, lentils, brussel sprouts, and legumes (Friedman G. Diet and the irritable bowel syndrome. Gastroenterology Clinics of North America. 20(2):313-24, 1991; Price KR. Lewis J. Wyatt GM. Fenwick GR. Flatulence--causes, relation to diet and remedies. Nahrung. 32(6):609-26, 1988), and perhaps wheat products (Levitt MD. Follow-up of a flatulent patient. Digestive Diseases & Sciences. 24(8):652-4, 1979).
How much volume of gas is produced? In normal volunteers supplemented with baked beans by a daring researcher:
Total daily volume ranged from 476 to 1491 ml (median 705 ml). Women and men (both n = 5) expelled equivalent amounts. The median daily flatus hydrogen volume was 361 ml/24 h (range 42-1060) and the carbon dioxide volume 68 ml/24 h (range 25-116), three volunteers produced methane (3, 26, and 120 ml/24 h), and the remaining unidentified gas (presumably nitrogen) or gases contributed a median 213 ml/24 h (range 61-476). Larger volumes of flatus were produced after meals than at other times. Flatus produced at a faster rate tended to contain more fermentation gases. Flatus was produced during the sleeping period, but the rate was significantly lower than the daytime rate (median 16 and 34 ml/h respectively). (Tomlin J. Lowis C. Read NW. Investigation of normal flatus production in healthy volunteers. Gut. 32(6):665-9, 1991)
I want to draw particular attention to the point that "Women and men expelled equivalent amounts", and sternly observe that a lot of women owe a lot of apologies to a lot of dogs.
Now, let's make the assumption that the victim of flatus in this story was specially talented in this ability--that is, let's assume that he was several standard deviations away from these normal volunteers. The normal volunteers produced up to 1.5 liters of gas. Previous references suggest that even in normal people, flatus can be doubled by the use of the appropriate dietary aids: so that gives us a 3 liter production. All we really know about standard deviations is that in the frequency of "19 +/- 2.4" times per day, the "2.4" is two standard deviations. That's a pretty narrow range, it seems to me, but let's say our victim is capable of the prodigious feat of reaching six liters per day: that should be near the top of the normal distribution, I'd think.
I've forgotten what question was asked, so I'm not going to go any further right now. Maybe this will be enough for Helge to perform some calculations on LD50.
I'll leave you all with this thought: "Analysis of the tracings showed that both artificially induced and spontaneously occurring flatus-related motor phenomena were characterized by colonic propagated contractions associated with a rise in rectal pressure and early relaxation of the anal sphincter, in a sequence resembling that observed following swallowing. Spontaneous flatus events were associated with colonic waves of lesser amplitude than those following insufflation of air into the colon. (Bassotti G. Germani U. Morelli A. x Flatus-related colorectal and anal motor events. Digestive Diseases & Sciences. 41(2):335-8, 1996).
Ian "tooting my own horn" York
I hope PETA gets hold of you.....you gerbil killer
Gerbils... A study in trajectory and drag.
Actually from the LA Times.
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency
treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained.
"As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a
hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next.
"The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
O.K., here's the top ten things that scared me the most in reading
this
story.
10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!!
9) "So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but
that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.
8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.
7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt that the gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."
6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.
5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were
doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex
fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube . . ."
4) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make
the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."
2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those
Mormons?
I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.
Where are the animal rights groups when you need them?
So are you Kiki?
Good Idea.........thanks
Philo
Matt, I would like to be reinstated with my full privileges, including the PM feature. I got the second boot because I couldn't use that feature.
I've gone to "self control" classes and I'm cured. I have my certificate and will send you a copy if you so desire.
Philo
on a lighter note: Churak, I have a pair of my underwear for you with some philoturds in them. Where can I send them?
What difference does it make how old I am, how old are you?
But if you must know, I'm 58 and 47 inches tall. So I take offense to the reference in one of your posts to "furry little midget".
My shoe size is 6 1/2.
Do you want to know if I wear boxers or briefs as well?
What about my diet? Pets? Religion? Race? Marital Status?
Republican,Democrate or other?
If there is anything else you need to know, don't hesitate to ask.............but you'll have to wait till tomorrow since I wasted this, my last post on your inquisition.
Philo
So is it an indefinate sentence then? How many weeks must I be here for? I would have replied to the person in a PM, however, you have suspended my "grandfather" status and that couldn't be done.
I would have responded to that same person here, but again, my "grandfather" status was suspended and I couldn't.
So, it appears that my "self control" as you put it, had to be vented by the only means possible which was respond where I did.
Philo
Matt what does age have to do with anything? I had to use this post, as I only have one left.
Oh Matt, you who......why am I still in here? You never did get around to telling me why or how long I have to be here. I would really appreciate a response.
Philo
Cadunce, I don't think you'll be getting out anytime soon. So while you waste away in here, I've put together some fun things for you to do.
101 uses (eventually) for a stick of celery
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Celery, to some it is a vegetable, to others the harbringer of the apocalypse. To me it is a source of almost endless wonder and hilarity; that's why I've made this page. Come and indulge in Celery's delights!!
The easy one, just eat it either in a salad or on its own, the choice is yours.
Dress celery up in dolls' clothes and use them to act out parts from your favourite film (I recommend re-enacting the light-sabre duels from Star Wars with breadsticks as light-sabres).
Hell, use celery as lightsabers themselves. Re-enact those battles with your mates.
Use it as inspiration for a superhero and create a comic about it.
According to a website, (one I have now long forgotten) celery can be refined to make an aphrodisiac. Hmmmm...
Stick it up your nose at Halloween and scare the crap out of old Grannies (not advisable if you get nosebleeds easily).
Hollow out the insides of celery sticks and use them to smuggle illegal substances into the country.
Strap a big bundle to your head and pretend to be Celeryman!
If you get taken hostage by a group of terrorist squirrels and held prisoner in a big tree, use the stringy parts of celery to weave a rope and climb to safety.
Genetically modify a race of super-celery and use them as an army of global domination!
Farm celery and milk it once a day so you can sell celery cheese to vegans.
If you run out of paper at a bad moment cut thin strips of celery, weave it into flat sheet and get someone fat to sit on it for a few weeks. At the end you'll have a material a bit like papyrus.
Create a idol out of celery and worship it like a god. Persuade some other suckers to join your cult but only if they give you all their worldly belongings. Soon you could amass quite a fortune.
Get some colour around the house by keeping celery around the place in vases.
Build a furnace and burn celery in it in the winter to keep your house warm.
The following (16-57) were sent in by "The Phantastic Physics Lot", otherwise known as: Lucien Brunet, Jack Feintuck, Scott Nicholson and Dave Hurst. Gentleman, you are very sad indeed.
NOTE:The ideas have been further padded out by me for added comic affect.
Make marks on it and use it as a ruler (celery-meters!)
A non-lethal truncheon for subduing attackers.
When caught on a sinking ship use the stringy bits of celery and some celery sticks to construct a raft and escape.
Once again, use the stringy bits of celery to tie some sticks together but this time use it to make a pair of sandals.
Stuff it under doors to exclude draughts and make the most of your celery-burning heating system.
Paperweight (may require a large bundle in high winds)
When (not if) you break your leg make sure you have some celery with you. Simply slap some celery onto your leg and tie it on with some stringy bits and you have a splint!
Back scratcher. Tie together several for extra reach.
A button pusher (for extra button pushing reach)
Draw on eyes and use it as a joke snake. Just claim it's a Bolivian Leafy-Tailed Snake.
A seesaw for pets or miniature relatives.
A Junk-Food-Maniac repellent. Simply wave celery in the face of a junk food obsessed person and watch them flee in terror!
A paintbrush.
A hair decoration type device.
Forehead moistener. For those who need moist foreheads.
Battering ram for gerbils laying seige to an enemy gerbil castle.
Crutches for midgets.
Spud gun ammo during potato shortages.
Use the cunning curve of celery to use as covers for ice skates.
Hit people with celery. Just to take the piss.
A replacement for bananas when making people slip for comic stuations.
Grind it up to make an illegal narcotic. After selling it on the streets you could make quite a fortune.
A vegetarian alternative to meat flavoured chocolate.
The new black.
Paint red for joke dynamite.
Paint brown for joke cigar.
Filling celery-shaped holes.
A boomerang that doesn't come back for use on one-way streets.
Wrap it in wrapping paper and give it as a present to a loved one.
Put graphite in it and use it as an edible pencil.
Fill with phosphorous and make a flare.
Fill with explosive and use to assassinate world leaders. Simply offer them a stick of celery to eat....BOOM!
Create a whole bunch of celery with different names annd you could have the next playground craze (I choose you CELERYCHU!!! etc.)
Stick it on a flag pole and sell it to a newly formed country as their flag.
Give a stick to someone and tell them it's a pogo stick. Watch and laugh as they attempt to bouce on it.
A peace-offering to extra-terrestrial life. The one universal languge is Celery!
Slap it on a piece of card and hand it in as an art project.
Win the Turner Prize with your celery art.
Another mobile phone accessory.
Use it as an exscuse for making a pointless list.
Use slices as organic horse-shoes for small horses.
Market it as a sex toy.
Use it to construct a water slide for fleas and charge admission.
Attach it to your forehead and pretend that you're really an alien from the planet Zarga IV.
This next bunch were submitted by Seb Best=20
Stick it on t-shirts to make a 3D artistic design.
Cut and paste bits together to make a paint stamp thing.
Glue some celery to a big crisp to make a mini-dish.
Use as a CD rack.
Organic money box.
Kitchen utensil.
To apply lipstick.
Organic pez dispenser.
Mini edible chairs for rabbits.
Humourable unicorn impressions.
Put it down your underwear to pretend either a) you are a man, b) you have a large organic penis.
Glue lots of them together to make a pole for pole dancing.
Flatten one for a green bookmark (dry it first)
Fake breasts (Madonna does it all the time, honest)
Make a sign so you can pretend to be a vegan lolly pop lady.
Chop sticks.
Effect of a green wig.
Plant celery in fields as an effective and more humane alternative to land mines.
Now it's back to us insane lot.
Unembarrassed rhubarb.
AFTER YOU FINISH WITH YOUR CELERY, YOU CAN PLAY WITH GERBILS.
Gerbils... A study in trajectory and drag.
Actually from the LA Times.
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency
treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained.
"As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a
hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next.
"The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
O.K., here's the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this story.
10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!!
9) "So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.
8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.
7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt that the gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."
6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.
5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube . . ."
4) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."
2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons?
I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.
SO CADUNCE, WHICH ONE WERE YOU?
Where are the animal rights groups when you need them?
Chowder, I wasn't slamming the Warden, I was talking about the "little crybabies" running to the Warden......nothing more, nothing less.........as I burn another post.
I have the utmost respect for Matt........I don't always agree with what he does, but hey, it's his sandbox.......
Philo
DaiLin.............you are probably here because you gave either Cassandra, Butanyway or one of the other clowns some shit. Therefore, they came crying to Matt and he put you in jail.
These little crybabies have to run and tell him everytime someone actually tells the truth about them. I would assume it was Off Topic as well.........but who nose?
You have to realize that they really don't have a life (Cassandra especially) and all they do is post 24/7 about something they don't even own, trying to protect the unsuspecting.
Cassandra is the superhero "Shirtless Girl" who goes about throwing her tits into the faces of'EVIL DOERS' saving us from whatever bit of information she can twist and spin. That in itself is a very scary thought................yuck!!!
Of course this is only my opinion, but I sure there are people out there that tend to agree with it.
Phinally starting to warm..........Philo of the Nord
Please explain further, as pointed out in an earlier post, I'm ignorant.
I've taken a 10 day hiatus from posting, hoping that everyone got their projects done, but you've never told me what my offense is.
I would appreciate a reply
Our Evening and lesson for tommorrow is on toilet paper art.
here is the link for the pretty pictures and things that the inmates made. give it a look!!!
http://www.cellblockvisions.com/artgallery2.html
FOLK ARTS are traditional art forms handed down from generation to generation
IN PRISON—from cellie to cellie
FOLK ARTS are specific to a particular culture.
IN PRISON—the culture is life behind bars influenced by "ethnic origins".
FOLK ARTS are crafted of materials indigenous to the place from which they spring.
IN PRISON - where resources are slim to none, inmates create with soap, cigarette wrappers, toilet paper, pebbles, toothpicks, pop cans, white bread, and much more!
Paper weaving is a craft practiced not only in prison and other institutions but also as hobo art, and at children’s summer camp. Prisonser use cigarette wrappers, potato chip bags etc. - any kind of paper that works. Convicts weave paper to make frames, cup holders, jewelry boxes, scrap books, crosses, miniature churches and houses. One Hispanic inmate calls it “tejido” or netting, and says it reminds him of the fishing nets in the village where he grew up. “Maybe it’s my Indian heritage, being close to nature, or maybe I’m just behind the times.”
Ernesto Gonzales, Top Ramen Baby Shoes
"Eagle Brand Potato Chips are no longer available in this prison. Maybe they still have them on the streets. It had a beach scene on the front, so you had yer tan from the sand, yer blue and white from the water with the waves, and a big red and white beach umbrella. I saved them for four months to do a jewelry box and a CO comes sweeping through and says you can’t have this and he tossed them."
Leland Dodd Kools Purse
Soap carving is not permitted in some institutions, tolerated in others, and is widespread in either case. Carvers use state-issued soap or have their favorite brands sent in by friends or family. Carving tools vary - popsicle sticks, plastic forks, paper clips, pencils, square bread ties, big staples, and fingernails grown long, originally to measure out cocaine or heroin.
There is a story that goes around every jail about a guy who carves a gun out of soap, paints it realistically, and escapes. In Take the Money and Run, prisoner Woody Allen’s soap gun fooled one guard but as he neared the gate to freedom, the rains came and the gun turned into soapy lather. Not too threatening.
Nelson Molina "No One Cares" Ivory soap
Molina depicts an escape which ended badly. One convict hangs from the razor wire, still inside the wall, his severed hand in a pool of blood. His companion made it over but lies dead from his fall on the sidewalk. Passersby proceed, oblivious to the tragedy - Molina’s metaphor for the public’s cold indifference to the plight of prisoners.
T. R. "Franklin County House of Correction" soap, q-tips, acrylics
" I passed a man’s cell one day who was praying and it stayed on my mind. Here I’m showing a cage, a person isn’t supposed to be like that. When people see it then they could learn not to get in trouble so they won’t have to go through this." A poster hangs on the wall opposite the cell door - "Do not pray for an easy life, pray to be a strong person."
Toilet Paper sculpture. Prison toilet paper is the coarse cheap kind, malleable when wet, hard and durable when dried. One toilet paper artist, paroled to a half-way house, discovered that the relatively luxurious toilet paper available on the streets was too weak for his sculptures. He contacted an aquaintance on the prison staff to get the name of the institution’s supplier.
Keith Dwy "Self-portrait" toilet paper, crayons
Dominic Vincenzo "Released by Death" toilet paper, acrylics
Released by Death is stamped on an inmate’s final papers when the prison sends out his dead body. This old con secured his own release by overdosing on drugs. He goes out, at ease, listening to music on his walkman.
Handkerchief art, or " Pano Arte", traditionally a Hispanic prisoners’ folk art is now part of the whole prison culture. Most institutions offer the handkerchiefs for sale in the commissary and tacitly sanction the art. The panos are light weight, easy to mail home and a transportable, allowable means of beautifying a prison cell. They are collected in great numbers by convict patrons. The Smithsonian Museum has a pano collection, recognizing the uniqueness of this art form.
Anonymous Let’s Stay Together colored pencils
Envelope art is made in the same spirit of giving as pano arte. The prisoner sends a splash of color to the family, friend, or lover, and the recipient sees immediately how the prisoner is feeling. The profession of envelope decoration is a thriving one. Inmates can decorate an envelope for themselves or they might hire a professional for a custom design.
Today's Craft Lessons will be with Pipe Cleaners and Gerbils
Egg Carton Critters
With 1 egg cup and 8 pipe cleaners, Matt made a spider!
To make your own spider, simply cut one cup out of an egg carton. Shape eight pipe cleaners into legs, as shown below. Place four legs on each side of the cup. Secure the pipe cleaners to the inside of the cup with tape. Then draw a face using colored markers or crayons.
With 2 egg cups, 5 pipe cleaners, and a cork, Matt made a camel.
To make your own camel, simply cut two egg cups out of an egg carton. Shape pipe cleaners into legs, as shown below. Secure the pipe cleaners to the inside of the cups with tape. Stick the end of another pipe cleaner into the wide end of a cork to form the camel's head and neck. Using colored markers or crayons, draw a face on the cork. Then poke a hole in the front of the egg carton with the remaining end of the pipe cleaner and knot or tape it securely on the inside of the carton.
With 3 egg cups and a rubber band, Matt made a bat.
To make your own bat, simply cut three egg cups out of an egg carton. Cut out the front side of each of the end cups, as shown. Using colored markers or crayons, draw a face on the center cup. Poke a hole through the top of the center cup and thread a rubber band through it. Now you can dangle your bat in front of unsuspecting friends and family members.
With 5 egg cups and 2 pipe cleaners, Matt made a caterpillar.
To make your own caterpillar, simply cut five egg cups from an egg carton. Poke two holes in the top of the first egg cup with a pipe cleaner (or you may use a toothpick). Thread the pipe cleaner through the holes to form the caterpillar's antennae as shown. Then, using colored markers or crayons, draw a face on the front of the first carton and stripes along the caterpillar's back!
---------------------------------------------------------------
What you'll need to make all 4 Egg Carton Critters:
An egg carton large enough to hold one dozen eggs
Pipe cleaners
A cork
A rubber band
Tape
Scissors
Colored markers or crayons
Also, be sure to ask an adult to help you cut the egg cartons.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Seuss characters, text & images © and ™ 1999 Dr. Seuss Enterprises, L.P. All rights reserved.
AND NOW FOR YOUR GERBIL INFORMATION....
I need to know what the excitement is all about! This thing with the gerbils. Is it really that much of a turn-on to insert a gerbil into your ass with a tube and a flame?
And there seems to be some controversy about the flame. Some say the flame is to encourage the gerbil to climb into the hot and presumably unpleasant climate of the rectum, as it refuses to venture there on its own.
But according to a newspaper article I read some years ago, the flame was to check on the gerbil's whereabouts, which is what one couple was doing when a pocket of flammable gasses erupted. The gerbil, I believe its name was Kiki, was shot back through the tube with such enormous force that he broke the nose of the man that was looking through the tube trying to locate him.
The other man, the one which had Kiki successfully accommodated, suffered third degree burns to his entire intestinal tract because Kiki's fur caught fire.. Now, this raises so many questions here, and has been such a long-discussed subject that I decided what the hell. I would look to my readers this month to help me out on this controversy since I am neither a gerbil user, nor do I know any.
First question, what is the flame for? Is it to locate the gerbil or to chase it up into the body cavity?
Question two, why the need for a gerbil anyway? What is the romantic allure that a gerbil would possess, over a nice, hard penis? Which reminds me of a few things. I have heard that in order to prevent being scratched internally, gerbil users may cut the feet off of the gerbil, and that the dying quiver of the gerbil in the ass---is indeed the turn-on.
Then why did the above mentioned couple name their gerbil? Naming an animal certainly implies that it is a pet. Did the above couple have a single use gerbil, or did they believe in gerbil recycling? Seems that they did not engage in gerbil mutilation prior to the insertion of their gerbil. It also appears that they were retrieving their gerbil when their unfortunate mishap occurred.
Also, what about cleanliness? How does one prep their gerbil for insertion? Is it treated with alcohol or something? And in the case of the single use gerbil, which lucky gerbil user gets to bathe the gerbil afterward? Or do they even bother to bathe the gerbil?
Ewwwww.
These questions have been grist for many a conversation over coffee between classes, that I almost researched the evils and pleasures of gerbil usage to deliver an informational speech on it in college. However, I decided against it knowing that there would be future opportunities to discuss this mysterious gerbil thing.
And why is it that our gerbiling couple managed to "train" their gerbil for insertion, while others find it necessary to mutilate them? Is there a guide written on how to train your gerbil for insertion? Why haven't the animal rights activists campaigned against this seemingly cruel and inhumane treatment of gerbils? Isn't it morbid to put a gerbil up your ass?
What is the technical name for gerbiling? Is gerbiling reserved for homosexuals or is it a heterosexual sport as well? I guess it really isn't a sport though is it? It includes an animal for pleasure, which technically would be considered a sport, kinda like hunting. I guess the challenge would be in retrieving the gerbil, once it has been inserted. But the sexual aspect of it eliminates it as a sport, I would think. Help me out here.
And then what happens when and if the gerbil cannot be retrieved? Do gerbil users go to the doctor to have their gerbils removed? And do the doctors have special gerbil removing instruments developed specifically for the purpose?
My children recently asked me for a gerbil. I imagined them looking up each other's asses through a tube holding a flame. And how would I ever explain THAT to CPS, if they ever heard about the gerbil thing and decided to try it. Na, I don't see any gerbils in our future, but I did promise them a turtle.
Nope.........I don't have a clue. Could you please inform me of my crime or sin........I used the reply button, except for the Craft information.
Did some motherly type of person Tos me or something?
Phriendly Philo pheeling phully phlim-plammed
Well, it's time for more craft projects.
Aluminum Foil Art
by Laurel Smith
Here's a fun activity that keeps children busy and encourages them to use their imaginations. It's a great activity to do in the car on a long road trip, or just something fun and different to do on a rainy day. All you need is a roll of cheap aluminum foil and some creativity.
Just give each child a sheet of aluminum foil and have them mold it into anything they want! Encourage them to use their imaginations. You might need give them a few ideas to get them going if they aren't sure how to begin.
Start by making different little zoo animals. See how many kinds of animals you can make.
Girls might enjoy making jewelry and playing dress up. Make crowns, headbands, rings, necklaces, bracelets and earrings. Make chains out of foil to hang little charms. Poke holes into the foil for added decoration. Think about whether you want to use the shiny side out or in for your jewels.
Masks are another fun idea. Kids can really come up with some interesting ones -- anything from superheros to carnival masks. My son enjoyed making a shark helmet with a big fin on top of his head and matching wrist bands.
You can also make hats, sun visors, body armor, "Wonder Woman" deflector wristbands, or even goofy eyeglasses. Maybe you'd like to make a fun little bowl for dry cereal or other snacks. Make tiny cups and saucers for a tea party.
Aluminum foil also makes good temporary Frisbees and balls. Or make a set of tiny bowling pins to knock down with a miniature bowling ball. Make a chess set. Make Star Trek communicators or Vulcan ears!
Toddlers can also participate in this activity, but they may need a little help. Be sure to watch them carefully so that they don't put any pieces in their mouths, that's for the older kids to chew on.
Aluminum foil modeling is easy and doesn't take any preparation. Clean up is easy too. Be prepared to use a whole roll of foil if they are really having fun!
Gosh, doesn't that sound like fun? I'm gonna get Cassandra a really, really big roll of Aluminum foil.........and an extension cord and some place to plug it in. Maybe she can make an outfit and put some xmas lights on it as well. We hope you will put it on and light it up............but don't forget to stand in a puddle of water....we like to watch sparks fly.
Your Phriend,
Phreezing Philo of the Nord
rolling they have 165908 employees working seventeen thousand
different jobs in 18 different states. How in the world are they going to know where to go?
Kinda like watching winter wheat grow in the Arctic Circle.
Phriendly Phreezing Philo of the Nord
Man, pretty quiet around here.........and dismal volume the last time I checked. Someone go out and buy some more shares.
Phriendly Phreezing Philo of the Nord
Cadance.........if you wipe the french fry grease off of your hands it might not smudge as much.
I checked out a friends O-1000 and it is a POS. the cover smudged like crazy and there were battery problems and the software was buggy as can be.
I like this part of the review..
Cosmetically, the Odyssey is quite striking, encased almost entirely in reflective-silver metal. But durability often counts more than looks in the long run, and luckily, the device seems almost bulletproof. All buttons are firm to the touch, and the jacks for USB and power have plastic covers to keep dirt and debris from damaging their connections.
Phriendly Phreezing Philo of the Nord
Cassy, I really didn't hear anyone shouting to "know" who he was. But we really appreciate all that you do for us. Of course I mean that in a very sincere way.
Philo
Sister Company PTSC
Patriot Scientific Corp. Selected to Present at the 2003 China International Integrated Circuit Exhibition & Seminar
Thursday March 6, 10:54 am ET
SAN DIEGO--(BUSINESS WIRE)--March 6, 2003--PTSC (Patriot Scientific Corp.) (OTCBB:PTSC - News) announced today they have been invited by officials of the CSIA (China Semiconductor Industry Association) to provide a key seminar on "Advanced Highly Simplified 32-bit RISC Microprocessor Architectures" at the 2003 China International Integrated Circuit Exhibition & Seminar.
"The invitation to address a major Chinese exhibition of integrated circuits and semiconductors is truly a testament to the acceptance, visibility and progress that our IGNITE(TM) processor architecture has made in China," said Jeff Wallin, PTSC's CEO.
This presentation will be PTSC's first broad introduction of the IGNITE(TM) processor to the Chinese semiconductor industry including semiconductor industry's officials, technical experts, company leaders and investment analysts. PTSC has made significant progress with its continuing development of relationships in China
About PTSC: Founded in 1987, PTSC is an Intellectual Property (IP), Integrated Circuit (IC) and systems level embedded engineering company. The company sells the IGNITE(TM) processor in silicon both in the United States and abroad. Customers also come to PTSC for product integration and development using the IGNITE technology. For further information on PTSC, visit http://www.ptsc.com.
Safe Harbor statement under the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995: Statements in this news release looking forward in time involve risks and uncertainties, including the risks associated with the effect of changing economic conditions, trends in the products markets, variations in the company's cash flow, market acceptance risks, technical development risks, seasonality and other risk factors detailed in the company's Securities and Exchange Commission filings.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Contact:
Patriot Scientific Corp.
Lowell Giffhorn, 858/674-5018
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Source: Patriot Scientific Corp.
Email
Subject: iPod Aging Problems
From deBeer
PostID 241876 On Wednesday, March 05, 2003 (EST) at 12:19:15 PM
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------
iPod Aging Problems
Wed, 05 Mar 2003, 10:30
from the iPod dept.
Spencer Cross
I've been having problems with a 5GB iPod that's approximately 13
months old. It became problematic, and now it no longer boots up or
mounts on the desktop (displaying a folder icon with an exclamation
point). Researching solutions has led me to the conclusion that the
HD is ''permanently damaged.''
The only solution I can find is to send it to Apple and pay US$250
(plus shipping) to have them repair it. Meaning that they'll ship me
a refurbished replacement. In other words, I'm paying approximately
US$260 to ''repair'' a device that costs US$299 new.
I find it hard to believe that a device that's only 13 months old
(and cost US$399 to begin with) is already damaged to the point of
being, for all intents and purposes, unrepairable (despite me taking
careful care of it).
In short, my iPod cost me $30/month! NO THANKS. I don't think I'll be
replacing it. The interesting thing is a quick run through of the
Apple iPod discussion pages reveals quite a few people with the same
problems, and one user who says that Apple repeatedly deletes his
posts asking how many other people are experiencing this.
Dog, only if it is done in Swedish....sweetish
Hey, I've been released from Jail...........WILL WORK FOR O1K........but I'm on probation, so I can't curse anymore or Matt will drop my Premium/Grandfathered status.
So, whatever happens....don't make me curse.
Phriendly, phreezing Philo of the Nord
Matt; how long is my incarceration for? Inquiring minds want to know.
Philo.........phriendly........phreezing......philo
Fung, probably Attila the Hun, Stalin, Pol Pot, Hitler, Idi Amin, Osama bin, Satan, Mousolini and Zamphier..........
Philo..........still waiting patiently for my release from Matt's Crowbar Hotel
Hey Berge......just burning my last post of the day. Thought i was getting out, but I guess Matt had to take the keys with him when he drove to the Krispy Kreme shop. Oh well, life is a bitch.....oops, can't say that. Sorry. I'll try that in Swedish
A Brief Guide to Swedish Curses of Various Strength
Homepage
Overview
Brief guide
Devil 1
Devil 2
Devil 3
Hell
Damn
God
Oops
Hangman
Shit
Sex
Curse in Dutch
Curse in Afrikaans
To use this guide first identify the kind of emotion you need to express and go to that heading. You will then be provided with a range of ranked alternatives, the higher the rank the coarser the curse.
A rough translation of the ranking would be:
Will almost never cause any raised eyebrows but does not convey any message
Your parish priest would not react if you used the expression but would not use it herself/himself
You would react if a six-year old kid used it, the kid would not react if you used it
Conveys a strong message, use with care and never in the presence of sound recording equipment
Be careful! Some Swedes may have very strong objections!
After the list of alternatives for expressing a specific emotion you will find some advice on how to use them, e.g. alone or together with explanatory sentences.
For downloading of sound files containing the provided examples, please click on the heading of the respective section.
Emotions
Disgust
Unpleasant surprise
Added emphasis
Demean a person, a noun or a concept
Refusal or denial
Disappointment
Expressions of disgust
fy katten - ranking 1
fy sjutton - ranking 2
fy tusan - ranking 3
fy faaan - ranking 4
fy helvete, fy satan - ranking 4-5
These expressions are often used alone. If necessary, a qualifying or explanatory sentence can be added, e.g. Fy sjutton, vilket väder! (What a rotten weather!)
Expressions of unpleasant surprise
vad katten? - ranking 1 (literally: what the cat?)
himmel och pannkaka! - ranking 1 (literally: heaven and pancake)
kors! - ranking 1 (literally: cross!)
vad sjutton? - ranking 2 (literally: what seventeen?)
vad tusan? - ranking 3 (literally: what thousand?)
vad fan? - ranking 4
vad i helvete - ranking 4-5
These expressions are usually used alone. Explanatory sentence are uncommon since the cause for concern is usually obvious from the context.
Expressions to add emphasis
för katten! - ranking 1
för sjutton! - ranking 2
Herregud! - ranking 2
jösses! - ranking 2
för tusan, för böveln - ranking 3
för fan! - ranking 4
för helvete, för satan - ranking 4-5
These expressions are most often used as an add-on at the beginning or, more often, at the end of sentences that need emphasis, e.g. Ät upp filbunken, för helvete! (Fuck it, you have to eat the rotten milk!) ("Filbunke" is a Swedish dish best described as unpasteurised milk which has been allowed to rotten for at least a week. Many Swedes consider it a delicacy!) Herregud and jösses can only be used at the beginning of sentences.
Expressions to demean a person, a noun or a concept
sicken - ranking 1 or maybe even weaker
rackarns - ranking 2
skit- - ranking 3 (to be used as a prefix to nouns or names)
jäkla - ranking 3
jävla, satans, förbannade - ranking 4-5
These expressions cannot be used alone but must be used before the noun or the concept which is characterised by the expression. Examples include Vilket rackarns väder! (What a nasty weather!), skitunge (lousy brat, literally "shit kid") and jävla sommar (Bloody summer!)
Expressions of refusal
så katten heller - ranking 1
så sjutton heller - ranking 2
så tusan heller - ranking 3
så fan (heller) - ranking 4
i helvete (heller) - ranking 4-5
These expressions can be used alone as a reply, e.g. when you are requested to do something. More frequently the expressions are used together with a sentence explaining what you are refusing, e.g.: I helvete heller att jag tänker ligga med dig! (Damn it, I am not going to fuck you!)
Expressions of disappointment
sjutton också! - ranking 1
katten också - ranking 1
jäklar! - ranking 2
tusan också - ranking 3
faaan också - ranking 4
jävlar! - ranking 4-5
These expressions are usually used alone.
Matt,I got the popsicle stick car completed, no thanks to you.........I had to find my own source of glue!!!
I haven't heard from you, so I thought I would convert to this type of cursing
I might try it in Swedish, since I am Scandanavian, here's a link for any of you to try Swedish Cursing
http://www.santesson.com/enginvek.html
CHRISTIAN CURSING
By J. W. Hiebert
I. Introduction:
We approach a delicate, yet important, subject to all the saints today and especially to those in the Lord's churches, that is: the matter of "Christian Cursing." The Christian of today thinks nothing of taking upon himself the ways and appearances of the world. In our society nearly every one professes belief in the Lord but few give evidence of repentant, converted hearts that is characteristic of all who are truly saved. An area that points out this psuedo-christian trend is the utilization of the language of the world. To directly accuse professing people of using God's Holy name in vain as an outright, deliberate curse word would be an overstatement. Yet, many euphemisms for God are heard every day and often truly born-again saints are guilty.
A. What is a Euphemism?
Let me give Daniel Webster's report: "...to use good or auspicious word for an evil or inauspicious word..." of good sound.
1. It is the use of a word or phrase that is less expressive or direct but considered less distasteful, less offensive, etc. than another.
2. A word or phrase so substituted. Thus, it is a form of cursing that replaces a direct curse word with a more acceptable word which in effect does the same thing.
B. The question must be Asked of modern-day Christians: Do you ever use the name the Lord in vain?
The word "vain" means "empty," "as nothing," or "lightly." When referring to the subject at hand, it applies to "false-swearing" or "light-swearing." These are words that have little meaning, or an empty purpose or something that is said lightly. Some will use the name of the Lord, yet, go on to defend their position by saying, "I didn't mean anything by it." Others make a defense by claiming that God knows our weakness and therefore will forgive us. However, premeditated sin in God's sight is inexcusable.
C. Are we responsible for our words?
What does the Scripture say in the 3rd commandment? Ex. 20:7, "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh His name in vain." The words, "in vain" mean empty, without thought, or lightly. This is clearly a violation of the 3rd commandment and that is a transgression of God's law which is sin in God's book! The truth is that God still holds all of us accountable for our words: Matt. 12:36-37, "But I say unto you, That every idle word that men speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. For by thy words thou shalt be condemned "
Your swiftest defense may be to quickly bring up the fact that God's saints will not stand in the judgment of sinners. That is true. But beware that words have a way of describing what is in the heart. Matt. 12:34, "O generation of vipers, how can ye being evil speak good things? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh." While the truly saved will not be judged as to their eternal position in Christ by their performance of works, it is difficult to believe that born-again saints, those changed by the Spirit of God within and have been taken out of the pig-pen of sin, will want to return to it. Scripture says that a pig returns to the mire but that is because of its nature. Therefore, the person who says he is a saint of God but by nature loves the practices of the world and is not convicted of the use of sinful words of the world, that one is of the world.
Ignorance is no excuse to sin when we have the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit to keep us in truth. So, let us develop and identify some words. This will not be an exhaustive list but rather examples.
II. Words that are used which involve God's name in vain or with lightness.
These definitions will be according Webster's Dictionary. Any good dictionary will give you all of these.
A. Euphemisms of God.
1. Gosh: "...an interjection, an exclamation of surprise: a euphemism for God." The world would make light of the use of this word but the saints ought to heed the meaning of words. It is the using of the word "gosh" in the place of the word "God" to make it seem less offensive.
2. Good: (used by itself or together with other words as in "good-night," etc.)
a. The word "good" is often used as an adjective with a descriptive intent by comparison. However, the etymology of the word shows that it is not an innocent word when used as an interjection. Etymology: from the word "gods;" Anglo-Saxon, god, akin to German, Gut.
b. Used as an interjection: "In some exclamatory phrases expressing surprise, consternation, etc. (e.g. good gracious! good-grief! good-night!) Good is an euphemism for God. " That includes forms of the word goodness, even when we personalize and say "goodness me," there is a wrong connotation and it is just a replacement for being able to use the name of the Lord.
3. Golly: "it is an interjection, an exclamation of surprise, etc.: a euphemism of God." It is a milder, socially acceptable way to use God's name in vain. This also includes all the shortened forms as in "got" (gol-darn).
4. Gracious: "as an interjection, an exclamation of surprise, it is a euphemism of God."
5. Gee: "it is an interjection (a euphemistic contraction of Jesus), (slang), an exclamation of surprise, etc." All forms of Gee, Geez or Cheez, Cheese, Cheece, Sheece, still relate back to the Lord Jesus Christ when used as an exclamatory remark.
6. Jiminy Crickets: has been used by many professing people, however, it is also a euphemistic expression of Jesus Christ. It is just a way to try to exchange acceptable words with which to euphemistically use our Lord's name lightly. It is an interjection.
7. Many forms of expressions as: Great day, Toledo, etc. While the words may not in themselves mean anything wrong, their usage makes them a replacement for the Lord in an exclamatory remark.
8. The expression "man at the wheel" has a direct reference to the Sovereign God of the universe who is in control of all things, but here euphemistically applied and taken lightly or disbelieved altogether. It is not a light thing to acknowledge God's sovereignty in an empty statement. For He is Sovereign.
9. Egad: "(igad,' egad') interj. (prob. ah God), a softened or euphemistic oath."
B. The usurping of God's authority of judgment or making light of His character.
1. Darn: (all forms of this word included) an interjection, a euphemism of the word damn and is a form of a curse. A curse is never inflicted seriously except it call upon God to do the damning. It places the curser in the seat of authority in God's place to sit judgment over the one being cursed and makes God subordinate to the one using the curse word to inflict damnation at their will. It is calling God to take ones own I side and condemn the other person to Hell. It matters not j whether the person says, "dag-nabit," or "gosh-darn," or "dar-nation," all of these words use God's authority and name lightly and wrongfully.
2. Holy Cow: Holiness is an attribute, a perfection of God in which we view God separated from all sin (morally and spiritually). A cow has no soul, it is a-moral and is without a I spirit. These kind of words have a way of making light of God's character. There also is nothing Holy about smoke. It too, is a euphemistic way of using a word with a wrong intent to make it seem acceptable, and with lightness (in vain).
3. The Lord willing and the creeks don't rise: is a mockery of the Lord's sovereignty. As a matter of fact He does control the creeks, therefore, the two are not contrasts.
(Beware of telling of jokes that use the person of God as a character within a joke. And while it need not directly attack or directly mock His being, it does use Him in a lightness or manner of foolish jesting.) Eph. 5:4, "Neither filthiness, or foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks. "
III. Conclusion:
There is no intent to go into all the foul, filthy words of modern-day vocabulary, it should not be necessary. Eph. 4:29, "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers." Col. 3:8, "But now ye also put off all these, anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth."
The Jews, as was their human custom, would use God to call upon Him to be their witness in oaths. They refrained from using His Holy name in conversation because of His power and Holiness. They had first-hand historical experience for disregarding His Holiness. Yet, because they were not born again their actions were often only legalistic in nature and not because of their love and relationship to the Lord. They were commanded to "not swear" in lightness. Matt. 5:34, "But I say unto you, Swear not at all; neither by Heaven; for it is God's throne: Nor by the earth; for it is His footstool: neither by Jerusalem: for it is the city of the great King... " (vs.37), "But let your communication be yea, yea; nay, nay, for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil." Israel was taking oaths lightly and calling on God to back their position. Jesus said just say yes or no and back your word with action.
What's wrong with using sound proper words? Why do Christians need the crude, rank, unwholesome, blasphemous cursing language of the world? Look at Col. 4:6, "Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man."
To use euphemisms for God is the same as if His own name were used. Christian cursing and cussing is getting more popular and socially acceptable as the world infiltrates the circle of the Lord's people. Many of the New Evangelical churches (which are no more than some type of religious organization of people) are using this modern jargon to identify themselves with the world and to show them that they are just like them. Well, maybe they are. But that does not justify us.
Remember, it is not always the words by themselves that we use, but often it is the intent of the expression, whether anger, frustration or disagreement that we feel toward God.
Now what can we do? It is simple. Don't use words (actual or euphemistically) that will break fellowship with our Saviour. And as important: learn to direct our thoughts, words, and feelings to the Lord. He is Sovereign. He is coming soon!!!
____________________________
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I didn't plan on cursing in the first place. IT WAS a culmunation of a number of things and it just must have slipped out
Matt, how long am i suppose to be here? 1 weeek, 2? A reply would be nice
Philo
Ok, how long is my incarceration for?
And now for my morning news break:
This is for you Cassandra
Doctors Find New Way to Prolong Meaningless Existance
ITHACA, NY—In a stunning medical breakthrough, a team of Cornell University biogeneticists announced Tuesday that it has developed a revolutionary new synthetic hormone that retards the human aging process, enabling individuals to extend the churning, meaningless void known as life by upwards of 20 years.
A researcher examines a cell injected with noexitoxythalynucleothylinase, a radical new anti-aging hormone that promises to add years to humans' pointless lives.
"This remarkable new hormone will enable millions of people to live longer, healthier lives," said Dr. Marlene Peretz-Worthington, head of the Cornell team. "Once the substance wins FDA approval and is made available to the general public, the hellish emptiness of our spiritually blank lives should be that much more inescapable."
According to Peretz-Worthington, between 1990 and 1998, 250 test subjects between the ages of 68 and 81 were injected bi-weekly with Noexitoxythalynucleothylinase, an experimental DNA-modifying hormone that "freezes" the genetic codes that regulate aging. In all 250 subjects, the drug slowed down the aging process by at least 30 percent, adding years to their futile, purposeless existences.
In addition to retarding aging, Noexitoxythalynucleothylinase has proven effective in fighting disease. Experts cited the example of Gus Dermott, a Charlotte, NC, dockworker whose nightmarishly empty life of grueling menial labor nearly ended when he was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's Disease. When administered high doses of the hormone over a seven-month period, Dermott showed such rapid improvement that doctors now estimate he will be able to return to his soul-crushing, spiritually hollow toil within as little as three months.
"I was bedridden, just waiting to die," Dermott told reporters. "But now, they tell me I can go back to that same dock where I've already wasted almost 20 years of my life, and waste the rest of it while waiting to die there instead."
Gertrude Anne Klingbell, an 89-year-old Alzheimer's Disease sufferer from Shaker Heights, OH, had equally miraculous results using the hormone.
"I used to be blissfully unaware of my pathetic, pitiable state," said Klingbell, whose Noexitoxythalynucleothylinase treatments have restored her mental faculties. "Now, the doctors say I can live on without any purpose whatsoever for years, trapped helplessly within the bleak prison of shattered dreams and blasted hopes that has been my life."
According to Cornell's Dr. Sunil Gupta, Noexitoxythalynucleothylinase also has applications in treating cancer.
"The cancer patients who participated in our study expressed a deep sense of hopelessness and despair, not only over the disease, but the horrifying awareness of the random injustice of the world that contracting the disease instilled in them," Gupta said. "Now, that sense of misery in the face of an uncaring universe can be stretched out over many years of grueling family crisis, despair, painful chemotherapy and surgery, instead of mere months."
Despite its early successes, Noexitoxythalynucleothylinase has yet to be proven effective in fighting some life-threatening diseases, diseases which still may offer us eternal respite from the screaming vortex of unending blankness that defines the human condition. But as medical science continues its pointless fight to indefinitely prolong the existential void of modern life, the revolutionary new hormone represents the most promising development in years.
"Thanks to Noexitoxythalynucleothylinase, the wasteland just got a little bigger," said American Medical Association executive director Dr. Gordon Puhl. "We're all very excited about the new drug and its potential to imprison patients—even if only for a few more desperate, agonizing years—in lives they can make no sense of, see no point in, and find no worthwhile purpose for. As we slowly learn to accept that our pretensions to relevance and meaning are but so many fragile, illusory constructs which crumble like sandcastles in the face of the universe's utter indifference to our plight, one thing is certain: Noexitoxythalynucleothylinase and other such medical advances will ensure that, for each of us, young and old alike, terminally or mildly ill, our suffering is far from over."
from the Onion
New Bailiff Tired Of Hearing
How Old Bailiff Did Things
FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Deputy Benjamin H. Weaver, court bailiff of the Flagstaff Municipal Courthouse, has grown weary of the constant comparisons to recently retired bailiff Leo Cessna. "I don't care if Deputy Leo always let you use the bathroom during opening arguments—I'm not Leo," the 34-year-old Weaver told jurors Tuesday. "I'm not Leo, I've never been Leo, and I can never be Leo, okay?" After the session, court stenographer Judy Rayburn tried to comfort Weaver, telling the shaken bailiff that it took years for the judges to accept her way of using semicolons.
God Quietly Phasing Holy Ghost Out Of Trinity
HEAVEN—Calling the Holy Trinity "overstaffed and over budget," God announced plans Monday to downsize the group by slowly phasing out the Holy Ghost. "Given the poor economic climate and the unclear nature of the Holy Ghost's duties, I felt this was a sensible and necessary decision," God said. "The Holy Ghost will be given fewer and fewer responsibilities until His formal resignation from Trinity duty following Easter services on April 20. Thereafter, the Father and the Son shall be referred to as the Holy Duo."
Iraqi Homeowner To Wait A While
Before Re-Shingling Roof
BAGHDAD—Homeowner Aftab Shamoun, 34, announced Monday that he will likely wait "just a little while" before moving ahead with plans to re-shingle the roof of his Baghdad home. "Now may not be the best time to put on those nice new ceramic shingles," said Shamoun, whose roof was damaged in a wind storm last November. "Heck, I've been putting it off for so long, a few more months won't hurt." Despite putting the shingling project on the back burner, Shamoun said he plans to spend next weekend insulating his front windows with energy-efficient plywood boards.
Here is your Horoscope for this week
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and
A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer
Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You have thoroughly wasted your potential over the past five years--years you could have spent deep-frying professionally.
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
A fast-talking huckster sells you the Brooklyn Bridge for $93.8 million, but it turns out it's all perfectly legal.
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
The ladies won't be able to keep their hands off you this week, thanks to a sharp new look consisting of tailored suits made from bubble wrap.
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You will experience a surge in popularity when talk-show host Wayne Brady publicly declares you his personal nemesis.
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
You will finally grow mature enough to accept your own mortality, just moments before the freak elephant stampede.
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
The community's response to your drunken riding-mower accident will start a hilarious national trend in roadside memorial art.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
That run for the record books once again falls short when you start Boston's all-time second-largest fire.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You will be mentioned several times in Jack Palance's explanation of why he no longer does one-handed push-ups in public.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You are renowned for your kind and loving nature, thanks mainly to a crack PR team.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
The increased precipitation in your area continues, thanks largely to that little black storm cloud that follows you everywhere.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
It's been quite a while since the stars mentioned the nurses chained up in your basement, but don't worry: They haven't forgotten they're down there.
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
The dying celebrity-boxing fad is revitalized when Ellen Cleghorne announces she's ready and willing to go 12 rounds with you.
Well that's all for my afternoon news segment....tune in later tonight for the "rest of the story"
Phreezing Philo of the Nord
Well, I'm getting all of the information together regarding a "Jailhouse Quilting Bee". All who want to join just raise your hand. Here is some history on Quilting that I'm sure you'll enjoy.
Phreezing Philo of the Nord
America's Quilting History
Quilting: Gathering Around the Frame
~ women quilting together and the quilt frames they used ~
Quilt History Articles
History Facts vs Myths
Quilting Book Reviews
Quilt History Links
Tips for Students
Visit our "Quilted
History Bookstore"
Colonial Women
Whole Cloth Quilts
Chintz Appliqué
Album Quilts
Friendship Quilts
Abolitionist Quilts
Civil War Quilts
Pioneer Quilts
Crazy Quilts
Charm Quilts
Tobacco Premiums
Redwork Embroidery
Pieced Quilts
Hand Quilting
Bereavement Quilts
Depression Era Quilts
Mid 20th Century
Amish Quilts
Black American Quilts
Native American Quilts
Return to America's
Quilting History
FEATURING
Quilting History
The most romantic view of a quilting bee is that of the quilting party. Old books and stories tell of neighbors all being invited to a quilting. The women would quilt all day, perhaps taking turns around the frame while others cooked up the grand meal that would be served to the menfolk that evening. Then it was a time for singing, dancing and courting among the young people. The song "Aunt Dinah's Quilting Party" tells of a couple strolling home after such a party. Although such gatherings did occur it is hard to get the facts beyond the idealized image. Fiction written in the mid nineteenth century puts such parties as early as 1800 but it is more likely they began to occur later in the century.
Many a quilting or quilting bee included only women helping a friend or neighbor finish a quilt. Such a feminine gathering would be a great way for women to get together to socialize. Women could share family news, exchange recipes, give child-rearing tips and all in all support each other. It has been said that next to church going quilting bees were the primary contact for women. But even this view has been romanticized a bit.
The hitch in the commonly held view of a quilting bee is that some women were far more skilled quilters than others. It didn't matter so much if an everyday quilt was being quilted but if a woman had made a truly special top she would want to be sure it was quilted with quality work. Because of this some quilting bees were a bit exclusive. In these cases being skilled at quilting would be a social asset. At the most seven women plus the hostess could comfortably sit around the quilting frame. Why not invite the best? Some women even prided in completely quilting their own quilts, not trusting any hands but their own.
Other times the goal of a quilting bee was mainly social and beginners were welcomed along with the experienced. A fun example of this was when young women would gather to help a bride-to-be finish her quilts before she married. What joyous social events these would have been.
In isolated regions gathering women in the area together helped overcome the loneliness that so many pioneer women experienced. Often these women often didn't have a big house with a parlor for quilting. A southwestern woman reminisces, "One day a week, when the neighbors came to quilt, my brother would take the bed in Mama's room down to the kitchen and put up the frame for that day. It was quite a job but he never minded. There were no more than four women working because there was no room for more."*
So when we imagine women quilting together we can visualize many different settings. In my family's experience my husband's grandmother always had a quilt frame up in the parlor and sometimes others came to quilt but she did a great deal of quilting on her own as well. My great grandmother was quite sociable and my mother remembers her quilt frame as being a center of the community where women often gathered to quilt.
Of course the most essential piece of equipment for hand quilting was the quilting frame. These frames were another example of ingenuity on the part of our ancestors for one type of frame did not fit all situations.
A typical quilting frame consisted of four sturdy lengths of wood. Two strips long enough to hold at least the width of a quilt would have heavy cloth attached along the length. The ends of the quilt would be basted or pinned to this cloth. The other two pieces of wood would hold the first two apart so that the ends of the quilt could be rolled tightly leaving a nice firm area for the quilters to do their stitching. When one section was completed the quilt could be rolled presenting a new section to be quilted.
Frequently four chairs, often ladder-back chairs, were used to prop the frame up to a comfortable level for the quilters. Some frames were even built with a stand on each end so that chairs would not be required. Quilting frames were handmade until sometime in the first part of the 20th century when mail order companies began to sell quilt frames commercially. Even then the sturdy home made frames were preferred.
In houses large enough to have a parlor or even a spare bedroom a frame could be left up over time as the women of the house completed a quilt. In some homes the quilting frame was left up permanently. A room that could be warmed by a fireplace in winter was ideal. A home with a fine frame and plenty of room to set it up often became a center for neighborly quilting.
Such a setting wasn't possible for everyone. Many homes were too small. Not all of our ancestors could afford a big house and westward settlers usually started out living in a log house or even a dug out. This didn't deter women from their love of quilting. Although one or two women could manage to quilt on a frame propped between furniture in a crowded room there was another innovative solution. Quilt frames were rigged up so that the frame could be dropped down from the ceiling while quilting was in progress than lifted again to get it out of the way. Some such arrangements dropped over a bed so that a woman could work on the quilt during the day then leave it on the frame to be raised above the bed during the night.
Quilting frames could easily be moved from place to place. A screened porch was a pleasant spot for quilting in the warm weather. One delightful story found in "The Quilters, Women and Domestic Art an Oral History" relates how a young woman's father set up her frame under a nice arbor of brush. She spent several weeks quilting outdoors under that arbor. A young man finally got up the nerve to go over to see what she was working on. Sure enough, it wasn't long before he married her.
~ the role of Black Americans in the history of quilting ~
Quilt History Articles
History Facts vs Myths
Quilting Book Reviews
Quilt History Links
Tips for Students
Visit our "Quilted
History Bookstore"
Colonial Women
Whole Cloth Quilts
Chintz Appliqué
Album Quilts
Friendship Quilts
Abolitionist Quilts
Civil War Quilts
Pioneer Quilts
Crazy Quilts
Charm Quilts
Tobacco Premiums
Redwork Embroidery
Pieced Quilts
Hand Quilting
Bereavement Quilts
Depression Era Quilts
Mid 20th Century
Amish Quilts
Black American Quilts
Native American Quilts
Return to America's
Quilting History
FEATURING
African Qmerican Quilts
The history of African American women in quilting is almost as old as the history of America. Black slave women were needed for spinning, weaving, sewing and quilting on plantations and in other wealthy households. Although the quilt fabrics and patterns used were those of upper class whites, some black women became highly skilled in creating these quilts. Little time was left in the day for these slave women to do their own sewing. We know they must have made simple scrap quilts or other bed coverings for their families, but little is known about what they were like.
After the Civil War, many African American women went to work in households as domestics while others helped out on small farms. It was still a difficult life of working from dawn to dusk. Quilts were made for everyday use out of necessity. Scraps, discarded clothing, and feed sacks, were the materials used. In making "string quilts'" strips of various fabrics were sewn together. The result was then cut into blocks and made into a quilt. Sadly we have few examples of quilts made by African Americans during this period because of the heavy wear they received.
During the 1920s more and more African Americans began to move into the northern cities. One contributing factor was the boll weevil infestation that destroyed many farms in the south. Also industrialization created new opportunities for employment in the north. Most women found they had little time to quilt after a long day at their factory jobs. Later when they retired some re-discovered quilting. The city brought new opportunities for quilting through church and senior centers. Magazine patterns were also more available in the city. Over the years more and more African American women have had the opportunity to enjoy quilting for pleasure rather than necessity.
Some intriguing theories have been proposed that link African American women's quilting to their African roots. Strip construction, large-scale designs, strong contrasting colors and variations from symmetrical patterns all appear to reflect textile patterns found in parts of Africa. In studying the roots of African American quilting the difficulty lies in the fact that few documented quilts exist today
Story quilts, such as two examples of biblical story quilts made by Harriet Powers, leads us to wonder if many other such quilts were made by African American women. As Harriet Powers was born a slave in 1837, we might assume this art dates back some time. We do know this technique of creating a story with appliqué has been handed down through the generations and these folk quilts are still made by African American women today.
Quilt historians have found that, for the most part, black women made their quilts in the same styles that were popular with the general population during any given period. As quilters draw from a common history one cannot look at a quilt and easily identify the cultural background of the artist. There has always been a great deal overlapping in quilting styles among different communities and cultures.
To add to the confusion, economic status usually dictated the kinds of quilts made by women regardless of their cultural heritage. Poorer women have always had to make do with scraps and discarded clothing. White and black women alike found "string" quilting to be an efficient way to use this fabric.
Still it's hard to imagine that heritage hasn't had an impact on African American quilting. Surely their common experiences affected the taste of African American quilters in the past, and there is no doubt that black women today are making striking quilts that reflect African culture. Some of these quilts are based on the textiles found in Africa; others are made with traditional fabrics imported from Africa.
Overall we find that African American quilters today are eclectic in their approach, their quilts range from work with a strong African influence to those based on traditional quilting.
Friendship Quilts: Precious Remembrance
~ autographed quilts connecting dear friends ~
We've all signed autograph albums and their modern counterpart the school year book. But in the first half of the 1800s autograph albums reached a height of popularity unknown today. By 1820 many a parlor table was graced by an album where guests would sign their names along with inspirational phrases. By the 1830s magazines including the popular "Godey's Lady's Book" printed messages and poems to be written in autograph albums. If a person wasn't satisfied with their own handwriting they used a metal stencil or signature stamp.
By 1840 new indelible inks were available that did not damage cloth. It was only natural that women would then take the autograph album a step further and create autographed quilts. The inscriptions on the early quilts frequently included poetry and dedications while quilts made after the Civil War usually included only names and perhaps the city where the person lived. Embroidery was sometime used; early on tiny cross-stitching was in vogue but by the end of the nineteenth century the chain stitch was more common. Sometimes a single person with beautiful handwriting would inscribe all the signatures.
There are two distinct kinds of autograph quilts. Single pattern quilts are often referred to as "friendship quilts" while the more formal quilts made of different blocks are called "sampler album quilts". Although both carried on the same tradition of signed remembrances, they were quite different. Sampler album quilts were made up of several unique intricately pieced or appliquéd blocks. A friendship quilt usually consisted of a simple block that could be quickly made from fabric scraps.
Often signatures were written with indelible ink but they were sometimes embroidered. Occasionally a single person with beautiful handwriting would inscribe all the signatures.
Imagine living in a time when families were large and women worked hard all day. Much of what we buy without a thought today had to be produced at home. Social time with family and neighbors was a highlight in a woman's life. What could be more fun than gathering together to quilt? The top would already have been pieced and the layers put together on a frame. Everything would be ready for the women to add their fine stitching.
Occasionally the quilt would be a special one with signatures of friends and family. These friendship quilts served as a precious memory not only to women who stayed in one place all their life but also for those who moved on to hardships on westward lands. Frequently friends and relatives had only occasional letters to connect with each other. Many a lonely woman living out on an isolated homestead cherished her friendship quilt. It reminded her of the time when she lived among family and friends. In addition illness and war took a dear ones away forever. A name on a quilt became a precious remembrance of them.
We tend to visualize a woman making and signing her block to be later sewn together into a friendship quilt. Although this was a common practice there were other ways a friendship quilt could be created. Sometimes a single person collected bits of fabric from others making a block from each contribution then signing the block with that person's name. Many quilts included only names of women but others included the names of children and men as well.
These quilts were made with readily available fabrics or scraps of old clothing. The making of these quilts was in the reach of almost any women no matter her financial circumstances.
Friendship quilts took time collecting fabric or blocks from each person, piecing them and then quilting the layers. Individual blocks on a quilt may have been made over several years and sometimes they were not finished into a quilt until years later. No matter how they were made they all had the same purpose, to record memories of cherished friends and family members.
Quilts to Soften the Final Leave Taking
~ burial and mourning quilts, a history of comfort for grieving families ~
Before modern medicine death was all too familiar. Childbirth was dangerous and it was a rare mother who didn't lose one or more children. Husbands were lost through war or accident. There was little that could be done in the face of many diseases. We tend to hope that families were able to cope with these losses better than we do today. After all families of the past would have been so much more familiar with death. But old letters and diaries tell that the pain of grief is timeless.
Quilts could offer some small comfort in these times of grief. One elderly woman remembers her mother getting some precious blue silk out of her own hope chest when a neighbor's baby died. "Mama and three other women set up the frame and quilted all day. First they quilted the lining for the casket, and then they made a tiny little quilt out of the blue to cover the baby." 1 If there was no wood for a coffin as occurred at times when pioneers were traveling west, the deceased might have been wrapped in a quilt replacing to replace the coffin.
Quilts have also been used in the laying out of the deceased for viewing. Other times quilts were used to drape the coffin during the funeral service. The quilt used might have been a lovely family quilt or a special quilt owned by the church. In all these situations quilts served to convey a sense of comfort and when family quilts were used a sense of connection to the deceased's beloved family.
In the nineteenth-century Baltimore women made beautifully appliquéd album quilts. Some were made in memory of soldiers who died in the Mexican-American war. Diane Schweier Krail writes of a deathwatch quilt made by the women in a Baltimore area family. This elaborate album quilt was made over several months during the family patriarch's final illness. The author tells us this quilt displays many symbols of mourning, "Floral symbolism on the quilt includes laurel for eternity, acorns for immortality, and roses for the frailty of life..." 2
During the Victorian Era a deceased child may have been photographed so that family would have a picture to help them remember their lost little one. Such a picture might show the child in bed as if asleep under a beloved quilt. In many of these pictures the child is holding flowers or a favorite toy. Looking at the picture parents could imagine the child was simply sleeping, perhaps overseen by loving angels.
Another way quilts provided comfort for the grieving was through memorial quilts made to remember the deceased. Many such quilts contained bits of clothing that had belonged to the lost loved one. Sometimes the quilt was made in the form of a friendship quilt with inscriptions by friends and family. The very act of working on such a quilt would have been a healing activity for bereaved women. The finished quilt became a comforting memory.
Quilts made in the face of grief are not only a practice of the past. Numerous quilts were made in the wake of the tragedy of September 11, 2001 demonstrating that quilting in the face of death is still a comfort to many.
That's enough information for this morning, for the afternoon session, I will give you much more, and we may have a test for my third and final post of the day
From Jail Cell to the Job Market
Conservatives Back Work Programs for Ex-Inmates
December 13, 2002
By Steven Greenhouse
Welfare-to-work programs have moved thousands of women from welfare into jobs, and now many conservative groups that championed those programs are trying to apply them to another problematic population: the hundreds of thousands of men who are released from prisons each year.
Top Ten Signs You Don't Belong in this Class 08/29/2001
10. The first word in the title is Honors. /ChrisG
9. The teacher speaks Klingon...and so does everyone else. /precarious
8. Most people wouldn't consider Technical Theatre a major. /goodman
7. This class doesn't accept that kind of photography. /Fook
6. You've uttered the phrase "If god wanted us to know 3D calculus, it would have been in the bible" on more than one occasion. /DFD
5. It's philosophy and you're sober. /SANDKICKER
4. The sign on science lab door: "We have not had a fatal accident in _ 2 _ days". /ChrisG
3. The teacher boos and throws empty beer cans at you when you enter the room. /ChrisG
Doesn't sound like that bad of a class to us...
2. You wonder why the women in your Feminism class are looking at you funny. You can't figure out whether it's the jeans, the sneakers, or the Hooters t-shirt. /Talia
thekidinthehall is only qualified to attend AA 101...
1. You brought a dictionary to look up the meaning of the word Kinesiology.
The organizations, run by religious conservatives and crime-fighting conservatives, believe that the welfare-to-work model -- a mix of tough love and true training -- may reduce recidivism and move many of the roughly 550,000 men released from prison each year nationwide into meaningful employment. In fact, these conservative efforts are part of an emerging and rare consensus to work with a population that has long been the focus of liberal groups.
Top Ten Signs That You Should Be Dead 03/10/2001
10. You know all of the words to that movie Grease. /Shortney33
9. You've started listening to the Backstreet Boys. /Eggy07
8. You're trying to break up Napster. /DFD
7.You are an unknown Star Trek ensign in a red uniform going on an away mission. /Talia
6. Reoccurring fantasy of you and Roseanne Barr in a tub of fruited Jello. /jbray4Re
5. You're a white rapper. /NuT wItH a GuN
4. You're in the US Military and Bush has just become president. /Gerry
Isn't that a sign that you WILL be dead soon?
3. You drive an SUV that rhymes with "sword flex snorer." /juparc chacar (smbshahn@aol.com)
2. Every Friday you eat at the local Jack In The Box restaurant. /Hephestos
Someguy is making us edgy about the state of this great nation...
1. You're America's Vice President, and you've already had 2 heart attacks in 4 months.
"The 600,000 prisoners released each year, if not the biggest problem on the social agenda, has to be in the top five," said William B. Eimicke, a Columbia University professor of management, who recently completed a study of job programs for ex-offenders for the conservative Manhattan Institute. "Rehabilitation for criminals was originally viewed as more of a liberal issue. But moderates and even right-wing conservatives can embrace it, too, because it has a very strong self-help theme, it will contribute to the economy and perhaps most importantly it has the potential to save taxpayers a lot of money."
Top Ten Signs the Guy Sitting Next to You Just Escaped From Jail 01/13/2001
10. He claims that the letters "D.O.C" on the back of his bright orange jumpsuit is short for Doctor. /MikeyF
9. He finishes his meal and exclaims, "now THAT'S good food!" But you're at Denny's. /juparc chacar (smbshahn@aol.com)
8. No normal person keeps his cigarettes there. /pinto!
7. Most people don't try to tunnel out of a movie theater. /Y2K1 Bug
6. He repeatedly asks if you know any one-armed men. /juparc chacar (smbshahn@aol.com)
5. When he complains about "the old ball and chain", he's not referring to his wife. /chrisco
4. He's wearing a Dallas Cowboy uniform. /xman
3. You can't exactly place it, but its something about the way how he keeps calling your ass "Tender meat." /Graffiti Dog
2. He is throwing soap on the floor all the time. /sandkicker
We've got a jail break, zeeb...
1. His t-shirt that reads "I just killed five guards on my way out and all I got was this lousy t-shirt."
Over the past year, America Works, a Manhattan-based company, has used its welfare-to-work model to place more than 300 former prisoners in jobs. Eager to strengthen ties between incarcerated fathers and their children, several religious conservatives have created job training programs for ex-offenders.
In New York City, two Republican mayors -- Rudolph W. Giuliani and Michael R. Bloomberg -- have awarded record amounts of money for job programs for former prisoners. John J. DiIulio Jr., a Democrat who was the director of the Office of Faith-Based and Community Initiatives in the current Bush White House, is pressing Congress for a tenfold increase in spending on job programs for ex-offenders.
Top Ten Things Not to Say in a Hostage Situation 01/16/2001
10. So we break in the back door? Brilliant! . . . uhh. . . the megaphone's on. /Fuzzball the great and powerful
9. I did NOT have sexual relations with your wife... /Y2K1 Bug
8. I hope I don't die next. /Darwin Is Dead
7. Ya know, if I were you I'd shoot myself, because your not going to get out of this alive. /Skitmaker
6. Wouldn't it be funny if the cops showed up? /Smokey the Bear
5. Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? /juparc chacar (smbshahn@aol.com)
4. Don't shoot! Oh, and by the way, you're adopted. /Y2K1 Bug
3. Your ideas sound foolish to me, and thus I must now mock you, your value system and everything you have ever believed in. Even if you wished to kill me, your impotence and general lack of manhood would prevent that characteristically irrational action. /Baron
Isn't that what you say to confuse them?
2. This is so going to ruin my shirt. /NuT wItH a GuN
SkyWalker707 always knows the wrong thing to say at the wrong time...
1. So what if you're having problems, it's nothing a little plastic surgery couldn't fix!
Former prisoners are attracting more attention partly because a record number of them are being released, about 1,600 a day, a direct result of the national prison population's climbing to a record in recent years, nearly two million.
One statistic has especially pressed conservatives and liberals alike to assist this group: nearly two-thirds of ex-offenders are arrested again within three years of release, meaning they committed hundreds of thousands of new crimes.
"Although the number of studies is limited, it has become clear that training ex-offenders and placing them in jobs is an important way to keep these people from going back to prison," said Jeremy Travis, a senior fellow at the Urban Institute.
On a recent Monday, a dozen newly released prisoners, all men, headed to the 12th-floor Manhattan office of America Works to ask for job-hunting leads and to attend a three-day workshop.
Juan Cortez, who runs the workshops, tells the ex-offenders not to lie when interviewers ask whether they served time. Rather, he tells them to minimize their violations. Instead of saying they were convicted on drug charges, he advises, they should say that they were involved in a situation where controlled substances were present and that they have done everything to put it behind them.
At the workshop, Mr. Cortez, who obtained a bachelor's degree and two master's while in jail on a gang-related manslaughter conviction, urged the former felons to think several years ahead. He asked Raymond, who had served 12 years on drug charges, "What do you see yourself doing in two, three years, remembering that you're young and have a lot of potential? And remember, you have a wife and the most important thing in the world, a young kid."
Raymond responded, "I want to own a business, be a successful businessman." For the short term, Raymond said, he wants a janitorial or warehouse job, prompting Mr. Cortez to talk inspiringly about two former prisoners who at first took janitorial jobs and now run a floor-buffing company that employs 16 people.
America Works places ex-offenders in janitorial jobs as well as in light-industrial, restaurant and telemarketing jobs. Company officials note that many fast-talking ex-offenders excel at telemarketing. To many companies, these workers are not threatening; 75 percent of ex-offenders were not in prison for violent crimes and one-third were in for drug offenses, up from 11 percent in 1985.
Nonetheless, job-placement efforts face considerable barriers, among them fears of former prisoners and laws barring ex-offenders from various occupations.
Still, Sheldon Flatow, whose company in Queens makes air-conditioning ducts, said he was delighted with the three former prisoners he had hired. "They're excellent employees," he said. "They do whatever I ask. My experience has been so positive, I don't see why anyone wouldn't do it."
Professor Eimicke's study found that of 891 ex-offenders who signed up for the three-day workshop at America Works, 501 finished it and 389 were placed in jobs. Of those 42 percent kept their jobs for at least six months.
Noting that New York State spends about $30,000 a year to keep someone in prison, his study concluded that such job-placement programs could save the state millions of dollars a year by reducing recidivism, the rate at which ex-convicts return to prison, and thus cutting prison costs.
"One unintended consequence of the welfare-to-work program was it empowered women while a lot of men disappeared and went to jail," said Lee Bowes, chief executive of America Works, which runs one of the nation's most successful welfare-to-work programs. "Now we're trying to do something to help the men."
Jorge N., who served two years for drug possession, complained that he had no luck finding a job on his own when he was released last April. Frustrated, he went to America Works on a friend's advice, and it directed him to a toy factory in Queens.
Jorge now earns $7.50 an hour at the factory, doing shipping, receiving, stocking and unloading. "It's very important for me that I can help support my 13-year-old daughter," he said.
Elizabeth Gaynes, executive director of the Osborne Association, a New York nonprofit agency that was a pioneer in assisting ex-offenders, said prisons did a bad job preparing inmates for work.
"Prison is probably the single worst place in the world to prepare people to succeed at a job," she said. "All the things that make someone a good worker -- initiative, being careful, trying to go the extra mile -- prison discourages."
Like the Osborne Association, the Center for Employment Opportunities, in Manhattan, takes ex-offenders to drug programs, implores judges to ease child support payments and asks parole officers to change appointments so they do not conflict with a parolee's work hours.
"These guys are coming home with an incredible number of obligations," said Mindy Tarlow, the center's executive director. "They need to report to parole officers and get drug tests. They have curfews. They can't go to certain neighborhoods."
Top Ten Signs Your FBI Partner is Selling Secrets to Russia 03/01/2001
10. You always have to buy the coffee, because all he ever seems to have is rubles. /Loon with a fried egg on top and spam
9. He's been granted special access to Anna Kournikova. /pinto
8. When you ask him about it, he says, "Nyet, Comrade!" /Scientist
7. How else do you think George W Bush got elected? /Hephestos
6. He just bought a huge ranch house to retire in, in the nice warm Russian resort town of Hrtyzcvplqein. /bigjtp
5. His X-Files video collection appears to be getting smaller every week. /Gerry
4. He keeps telling you about the great deals he can get on mail order brides. /pinto
3. You've been looking all over and can't find a fur hat as nice as his. /ladylazarus
2. There is a packet on his desk, labeled to go to Russia, labeled "SURVIVOR II WINNER: TOP SECRET." /hunterj
bigjtp knew something was fishy...
1. Vodka, vodka, vodka, vodka, vodka, vodka, and vodka.
Having served 39 months for bank fraud, Bernard Rutledge said job programs had opened doors for him. For three months, he has, with the help of the Osborne Association, worked for a restaurant supply company in Queens. He is proud that he just received health insurance and a 50-cent raise to $7 an hour.
Top Ten Signs You Need to Bathe More Often 05/12/2001
10. You ACTUALLY have potatoes growing from your ears. /The Great O`Connor
9. You can clear every one out of a bank and you don't even need a gun. /glitch
8. You've been awarded numerous times for water conservation. /Squeakgator
7. Skunks attempt to mate with you on a regular basis. /Smokey the Bear
6. You never thought that stink lines were actually visible. /thekidinthehall
5. People ask you if you are from Europe. /Sad sack
4. After your dog rolls around in his own piss for half an hour he still smells better than you do. /bawls16
3. Your smell doesn't only linger, it arrives ahead of time, and makes itself comfortable. /kramertim
2. The US has decided to fly you to China as a 'secret biological weapon'. /hunterj
TheScottster just went out and got some soap...
1. Your address is known at your local post office only by the name 'Ground Zero'.
"I used to be young and full of myself," he said. "My wife, she made me see that there were other things than fast money."
Criminal justice experts say today's ex-offenders are generally less prepared for the job market than prisoners in decades past because they served longer sentences on average and many states emphasized building prisons in the 1990's and spent less on educational and vocational programs for inmates. One study found that recidivism is 20 percent lower for prisoners who participated in vocational programs while in prison.
One religious group that embraced the cause of former prisoners is the Institute for Responsible Fatherhood and Family Revitalization, which has job programs in New York and eight other states. After the institute placed several dozen former Rikers Island inmates in jobs, New York City's Human Resources Administration gave it a five-year contract to train and place at least 200 ex-offenders a year.
Mr. DiIulio, a professor at the University of Pennsylvania, has begun championing the cause of ex-offenders, saying that aiding them will give crucial help to their children and communities.
"The moment has arrived where people right, left and center recognize we have a practical opportunity and moral obligation to do much more with this population of men," he said. "It's not that these men are victims and therefore we had better give them this. They've paid their debt to society. They're coming out. We have the resources. We can do more and better by these men and by their children and their families. That's where the consensus has come."