>Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
>looking like he'd just been run over by a train
>His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
>his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
>"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
>" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
>"That little snit, O'Conner," says Sean,
>"he must have had something in his hand."
>"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
>and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
>"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
>didn't you have something in your hand?"
>That I did," said Paddy.
>"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
>beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
>
>************************************************************************
>******
>An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
>is driving home from the city one night and,
>of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
>
>A cop pulls him over.
>"So," says the cop to the driver,
>where have ya been?"
>"Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
>slurs the drunk.
>"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
>a few to drink this evening."
>"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
>"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
>folding his arms across his chest,
>"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
>"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
>"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
>************************************************************************
>***********
>Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
>when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
>"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
>"I've somethin' to tell ya"..
>"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
>But where's my husband?"
>"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
>There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
>"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
>
>"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
>is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
>Finally, she looked up at Tim.
>"How did it happen, Tim?"
>
>"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
>of Guinness Stout and drowned."
>
>"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
>Did he at least go quickly?"
>"Well, Brenda... no. In fact,
>he got out three times to pee."
>
>************************************************************************
>**********
>Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
>his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
>He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
>She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
>My husband passed away last night."
>The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
>Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
>She says, "That he did, Father."
>The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
>She says, "He said,
>'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"
>
>************************************************************************
>************
>AND THE BEST FOR LAST
>A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
>enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
>The Priest coughs a few times to get his
>attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
>Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
>The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
>
>there's no paper on this side either!"
>
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