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Will this number , Transvestites - 133 go up by one when you travel down here to Florida Marks? LOL
Who needs Doctors any more, just have the TSA check your junk out for you!!
My only question J is:
where is your watch?
Come on now MAC - J lives up north, maybe he was really cold whenthe picture was taken, or it might have been some sort of a hunting accident !!
Is wife is one lucky lady !!
Damn bro is nothing sacred?
*2010 Report*
******Year to date statistics on Airport screening
from the Department of Homeland Security******
Terrorist Plots Discovered - 0
Transvestites - 133
Hernias - 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases - 3,172
Enlarged Prostates - 8,249
Breast Implants - 59,350
Natural Blondes - 3
That is a good one JStops......
detailman didn't you say you were from Arkansas?
A redneck family from the hills of Arkansas was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives.
The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by
two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide backtogether again.
The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno.I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got noidea'r what it is.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat oldlady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circularnumber above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then thenumbers began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-oldblonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, Boy..................go gitcha momma'.
Subject: Grammar (think about it)
Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should
take note of the importance of correct grammar.
I have noticed that many of you who text messages & emails have
forgotten the "art" of capitalization.
Capitalization is the difference between helping your
Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a
horse.
Got Johnny's sweat on me !!
And yes I have bathed once or twice since 1976!!
that's called pulling one from the bottom! classic
Saw Johnny & Muddy together Hofstra Play House - 1976!!
This from a guy who has an AMC pacer as his siggy!!
Loved that car. Not as good as the Pinto though - explodes on impact!!
sounds like fred sanford.
EXCELLENT - Here's my boy TOM : enjoy !!!
Nice!! here is my old school classic - from my high school days:
old school classic
one of my favs,the "texas canonball"
Please Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Thank you
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole
were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.
x-mas classic,
Tequila test
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the backwith a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."
The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.
So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."
The above document was written by Jeff Foxworthy.
Nice.......turf wars
There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!
The Supreme Court has decided that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason.
They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.....
A search for a Virgin continues....
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill several stables...
Two priests are off to the showers late one night They undress and step
into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not
bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the
showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading
his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes
like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled,
he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap
dispenser."
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure
enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and
three times but nothing happens So she gives several more tugs , then
yells . . . "Holy Mary, Mother of God! Hand lotion too!"
Doctors on the Bail-Out
The Medical Profession Speaks out on the Financial Bail-Out Package
The allergists voted to scratch it, and the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the radiologists could see right through it, and the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas; and the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the proctologists left the decision up to the assholes in Washington.
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If you break the rules,
This could be you !!
If you get into trouble
We’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
Come on where are
the dam cups?
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
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