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An office technician got a call from a computer user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that her computer needed to be brought in and serviced.
He told her, "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I'll fix it for you."
About ten minutes later she showed up at his door... with the electrical cord in her right hand.
One must be mindful that the real performance of a processor is not necessarily the clock speed(Ghz,etc),but how efficiently the processor co-operates with RAM.Depending of the architecture, 1 Ghz processor can perform better than a 2 or 3 gig!!Another point has to do with the way the OS was written.
Case in point,and Apple computer,regardless if it is a G3,4,or 5,will always boot faster than any machine running MS OS because,though Apple OS is based on Darwin,the underlying OS is essentially UNIX,which has the best memory management system.Same can be said about Linux and the many off-shoots.
Of note,some i7,if not all,have an on-chip memory controller.This idea is somewhat borrowed by Intel from it’s rival, AMD, who had the north bridge and south bridge controller on-chip that enable faster throughput between the processor and the PCI bus.
Fatal system error detected. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
ERROR 406: file corrupt: config.earth --- reboot universe? (Y/N)
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
Error: keyboard locked - try anything you can think of.
The three golden rules to ensure computer security are: do not own a computer; do not power it on; and do not use it
10 Top Laptops Under $500
http://www.bing.com/shopping/content/search?q=Top+laptop%3a+Asus+Eee+PC+1005HA
Newegg.com selling Acer Aspire, 1.60GHZ 15.6" 3GB Memory 160GB HDD for $350 + $10 shipping.
http://www.newegg.com/Product/Product.aspx?Item=N82E16834115674&cm_sp=NotebookDeal-_-34-115-674-_-04072010
PC Terms Defined
Syndicated columnist John Leo has come out with a new dictionary of politically correct terms for modern aficionados of the genre. Among the jewels:
compound: the home and property of someone reporters consider an extremist
cult: any small religion disapproved of by three or more journalists
not multicultural enough: white
underrepresented: we need quotas
should look like America: we need quotas
numerical goals and timetables: quotas
race-sensitive programs: quotas
fair group representation: quotas
employment equity: quotas
equitable distribution of available resources: quotas
sensitivity training: indoctrination
freshman orientation: indoctrination
homophobia: disagreement with the demands, tactics or manners of any gay activist
emotional violence: criticism
verbal abuse: any joke or remark you don't like
symbolic rape: criticism
HOWTO: Clear filesystem memory cache
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have read several forum posts where people have asked "How do I clear/free/dump/purge the memory cache?" A variation of the same answer is almost always given "You don't want to do that ... the Linux Kernel is smarter than you ... Don't try it ... Use dd to create a big file, then delete it ... etc ..." I never could find an answer that just explained how to do it, so I kept searching elsewhere, and here it is.
NOTE: This may cause you to lose data, it may make your system slower, it may kill your cat. Do this at your own risk, and don't be surprised if it doesn't work out the way you wanted it to.
With the CYA out of the way, here is how to free up as much memory as possible by dumping the cache. Execute as root, or with sudo:
Code:
# sync
# echo 3 > /proc/sys/vm/drop_cachesThat's it. Not much to see here. The first command writes any cache data that hasn't been written to the disk out to the disk. The second command tells the kernel to drop what's cached. Not much to it. This invalidates the write cache as well as the read cache, which is why we have the sync command first. Supposedly, it is possible to have some cached write data never make it to disk, so use it with caution, and NEVER do it on a production server. You could ... but why take the risk?
As long as you are running a post 2.6.16 kernel, those commands will work. I tested it on Feisty and Gutsy, and it worked perfect.
I got this information from AP Lawrence.
Enjoy!
You might be computer illiterate if...
you slide the mouse pad over when the mouse gets to the edge.
there is writing on the white-out on your screen
-you can't figure out what a colon followed by a minus sign and a parenthesis means : - )
someone asks you how to cut and paste, you say "just use scissors and glue." ( cyberfan@gmx.net )
you try to squash your disk to compress files in it. ( cyberfan@gmx.net )
you scream "Bloody hell! What have i done wrong THIS time, you ***** computer?" every time your computer spits out "error". ( cyberfan@gmx.net )
you own your computer only 5 minutes before you crash it. (Lisa)
you try to find a game and can't, and you hit the monitor and scream, "Why won't you work?!?" (Lisa)
when the screen saver comes on you're almost positive that your computer really did crash this time. ( doodlebug36@hotmail.com )
if there is white out on your computer screen. (Visitor submission)
if you don't use Windows because you religiously don't believe in icons. (Dave Tibbs)
you wonder who General Protection Fault is and what the hell the army wants from you.
the only reason you hang out with that *geek* next door is because he will fix you computer for free (Amy R.).
you think your mouse is a foot pedal (Jason, jmdavis1_98@yahoo.com)
you own a Macintosh (Visitor Submission: Doc Holiday) (please don't flame me on this one.)
you think the computer from which virus came actually created the virus (it's all a conspiracy).
you think modem usage will show up on your phone bill.
you think the "escape" key will beam you out of the building in case of fire.
you don't know where the "any" key is.
you try to use the microphone on your PC to tell Windows 95 what to do.
you try to use the microphone on your PC to tell DOS what to do.
you use AOL disks as coasters. (Also a sign that you're a computer geek.)
you've used the CD-ROM tray as a cup holder.
you think Dilbert creates artificially high standards for managers.
you think laser printers receive print commands by laser beam.
you've ever tried to play a CD-ROM in a stereo.
you've ever tried to talk to a modem on the other end of the line.
you went shopping for Microsoft Bob for Dummies...
...and you really needed it.
you think Microsoft Windows is a rip-off, because it never does what you want it to. (Geeks have this problem too.)
Someone gives you a 5-1/4" Floppy and you fold it to fit in your 3-1/2" Drive and wonder why the drive doesn't work. (Michael M.)
You immediately move to Mexico or Canada because you got an "Illegal Operation" error on your computer screen. (Jay)
Backup not found! A)bort, R)etry or P)anic?
Life Lesson Laws for Engineers
Law #1: In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.
Law #2: Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm.
Law #3: In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables.
Law #4: The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service.
Law #5: The most vital dimension on any plan drawing stands the most chance of being omitted.
Law #6: If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable.
Law #7: If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction.
Law #8: All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0.
Law #9: Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly complete.
Law #10: Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
Law #11: Interchangeable parts won't.
Law #12: Manufacturer's specifications of performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5.
Law #13: Salespeople's claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25.
Law #14: Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the device will be promptly discarded by the Receiving Department.
Law #15: Any device requiring service or adjustment will be the least accessible.
Law #16: Service conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded.
Law #17: If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
Law #18: Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave in an identical fashion in the field.
Law #19: If, in engineering practice, a safety factor is sent through the service experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly calculate a method to exceed said safety factor.
Law #20: Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.
Law #21: The rule for engineers: "Change the data to fit the curve."
ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Apparently, independent studies have discovered that the Internet is an addictive agent, which, they say, is just as powerful as drugs or alcohol.
However, researchers go on to say that the Internet is actually much more dangerous than these addictive substances, since it is a terminal addiction.
A programmer was walking along the beach when he found
a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who
stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I
can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."
The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean
area and said "I'd like there to be a just and last
peace among the people in the middle east."
The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people
have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can
do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."
The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and
my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the
users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask
sensible changes"
Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."
ATTN: a word of warning for those who desire to post anything confrontational or that resembles an attack on the board's theme, the post WILL BE DELETED and the poster BANNED, so choose your words wisely!
Apparently, independent studies have discovered that the
internet is an addictive agent which, they say, is just
as powerful as drugs or alcohol.
However, researchers go on to say that the internet is
actually much more dangerous than these addictive sub-
stances, since it is a terminal addiction.
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that
there's something wrong with her password. "The problem
is that whenever I type the password, it just shows
stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk
technician explains, "so if someone were standing
behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is
no one standing behind me."
Q: What is a computer's first sign of old age?
A: Loss of memory.
Top Ten Signs Your Spouse Is Having A Cyber Affair...
10. Lately, she sits at the computer naked.
9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.
8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.
5. Every day, Bill Gates sends 10 million dollars worth of flowers.
4. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.
3. During sex she screams "A COLON BACKSLASH ENTER INSERT!!!!"
2. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass.
1. Lipstick on the mouse.
HOW THE INTERNET BEGAN
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And
Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed,
she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from
town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving
thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied,
"I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send
messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you
which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and
delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham
sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from
his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret
himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And
the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up
every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums
that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over
by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as
it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what
we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
Do You Practice Safe Fax?
Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete
strangers every day.
Q. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?
A. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.
Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write
memo's to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before
they can fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.
Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A. Certainly not. As far as we can see.
Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional"
when their needs become too great.
Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used.
Q. What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just
start over, most people won't mind if you try again.
Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won't
transmit anything you're not supposed to.
Q. Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another?
A. No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would like you to believe that the
longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high
quality, and very graphic.
Q. There is a man I'd very much like to fax (I've tried several times) but he can't seem to
keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him?
A. You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If
he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.
Congratulations! You have purchased an Anthrax 2000 Multimedia Personal Computer with
Digital Doo-Dah Enhancer. It will give many years of faithful service, if you ever get it up and
running. Also included with your PC is a special bonus pack of free pre-installed software:- 'Lawn
Mowing Planner', 'Blank Screen Saver', 'East Africa Route Finder' and 'X15 Submarine
Mechanic' valued at over a fiver, which will provide hours of pointless diversion whilst using up
most of your computers spare memory. You are now ready to begin the installation so turn the
page and lets get started!
Getting Ready: Congratulations, you have successfully turned the page which means you have a
high enough IQ to realize things don't look too good. If your delicate PC has arrived in a damaged
box, possibly from miss-handling or being dropped, it will be doubtful that the box will be of any
use and can be thrown away.
Important meaningless note: The Anthrax 2000 is configured to use the 80386, Z80 and
ARMITAGE SHANKS processors running at 2,472 hertz on variable speed spin cycle. Check
your electrical installation and insurance policies before proceeding. Do not tumble dry. To
prevent internal heat build up, select a cool, dry environment for your computer. The bottom shelf
of a refrigerator is ideal. Unpack the box and examine its contents. (WARNING: Do not open the
box if contents are missing or faulty as this will invalidate your warranty. Return all missing
contents in their original packaging with a note explaining where they have gone and a
replacement will be sent within twelve working months.) Also, only open the box if you intend to
use your PC as this will bind you to the terms and conditions set out in the manual, which will be
sent to you when it has been written. The contents of the box (if you have the deluxe model)
should include some of the following: Monitor with mysterious De Gauss button; keyboard with
2½ inches of flex; computer unit; miscellaneous wires and cables not necessarily designed for
this model; 2,000 page 'Owners Manual' of which 1,987 pages are in 26 different languages;
'Short Guide to the Owners Manual'; 'Quick Start Guide' to the 'Short Guide to the Owners
Manual'; 'Laminated Super-Kwik Set-Up Guide for People Who Are Exceptionally Impatient or
Stupid'; 1,167 pages of warranties, vouchers, notices in Spanish and other loose pieces of
paper; 292 cubic feet of cardboard and Styrofoam packing material.
All our PC's are subjected to a rigorous 24 hour 'Burn In - Burn Out' test. Please wipe off any
soot from the case before using.
Something They Didn't Tell You When You Ordered: Because of the additional power hungry
needs of the Computer like switching it on, you will need to acquire an Anthrax 2000 auxiliary
hardware upgrade pack, a 900 volt memory capacitor for the auxiliary hardware pack, a 50
megahertz oscillator for the memory capacitor, 64 Gigabytes of additional memory for the
oscillator and a small electrical substation.
Setting Up: You are now ready to set up your PC. If you have not yet acquired a degree in
Electrical engineering, now is the time to do so. Connect the monitor cable (A) to the portside
outlet unit (D); attach power offload unit sub-orbiter (Xii) to the co-axial AC/DC servo channel (G);
plug the three-pin mouse cable into the keyboard housing unit (make an extra hole if necessary);
connect modem (B2) to offside parallel audio/video lineout jack. Alternatively, plug the cables into
the most likely looking holes, switch on and see what happens. Additional meaningless note: The
wires in the ampule modulator unit are marked as follows: blue = neutral or live; yellow = live or
blue; blue and live = neutral and green; black = instant death. Plug in, switch on, and retire to a
safe distance. If after plugging in and switching on your PC nothing happens, the items sent to
you may have been
mislabelled. Please try plugging in the box. Should your computer appear to be working, please
contact us immediately as we may need to employ you.
Now its time to install your Microsofarsogood software. Insert Disc A (marked 'Disc D' or 'Disc
G') into Drive Slot B and type 'Setup' and press Return. If your keyboard does not have a return
key, simply press the small spring lever where the Return button should be and wait. After
installation, you will be asked to enter your License Verification Number. Your License Verification
Number can be found by entering your Certified User Number, which can be found by entering
your License Verification Number. If you are unable to find your License Verification or Certified
User numbers, call the Software Support Line for assistance. (Please have your License
Verification and Certified User numbers handy as the support staff cannot otherwise assist you.)
If you have not already lost faith, please insert Installation Diskette 1 in Drive Slot 2 (or vice versa)
and follow the instructions on your screen. (Note: owing to software modifications, some
instructions will appear in Romanian) At each prompt, select an option most suitable for the
installation. As a rule of thumb and general to most installations, the Exit option is always a good
bet. If the installation fails with an error message '## Not enough disk space ##' then you should
have bought a bigger disk. If the installation is successful, insert Diskette 2, marked 'Diskette 1',
and repeat the previous steps with each of the 187 other disks. Should you be unfortunate
enough to receive an error message that says: Invalid file path. Abort or Continue? Be warned ,
Selecting 'Continue' may result in irreversible drive damage and loss of memory. On the other
hand, selecting 'Abort' may result in irreversible drive damage and loss of memory. Please select
the most appropriate option. When installation is complete, make sure your computer is plugged
into the phone socket, type in your Name, Address and Credit Card details and press 'SEND'.
This will automatically register you for our free software prize, 'Blank Screensaver IV: Night Time
in Deep Space', and allow us to pass your name to lots and lots of computer magazines, online
services and other commercial enterprises, who will be getting I touch shortly. If you should see
numerous miscellaneous debits on your credit card, this is perfectly normal as it verifies that
your modem is working correctly. Please be sure to fill in you warranty registration form and
send it to us immediately. Failure to do this will result in us not receiving it.
You are now ready to use your computer. Here are some simple exercises to get you off to a
flying start:
Writing a letter: Type 'Dear' and follow it with the name of someone you know. Write a few lines
about yourself, and then write 'Sincerely yours' followed by your own name. Print it off on your
new printer that you are about to order from us and Voila!
Saving a file: To save your letter, select File Menu. Choose 'Save As', Choose 'Recycle Bin' as
the location and press 'OK'. Alternatively, write it in long-hand on a sheet of paper and place it in
a drawer.
Advice on using the Spreadsheet Facility: Don't!
Troubleshooting Section: You will have many, many problems through the life of your computer.
These are quite normal and commonplace so don't send anything back to us.
Here are a few problems you may encounter and their solutions: Problem: My computer won't
turn on Solution/Advice: This is perfectly normal
Problem: My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys.
Solution/Advice: Turn the keyboard the right way up.
Problem: My foot pedal wont work
Solution/Advice: Try using it on the mouse mat instead
Problem: My CD Rom won't work.
Solution/Advice: This is not a CD-ROM, it's a coffee holder.
Problem: I have made a mistake in the word processor. How do I change it?
Solution/Advice: Tipp-Ex over the mistake and type it in correctly.
Problem: I keep getting a message saying 'General Protection Fault'
Solution/Advice: This is probably because you are trying to use the computer. Switch the
computer to OFF mode and any messages will disappear.
Problem: What exactly will my warranty cover?
Solution/Advice: Its big enough to cover your mouse mat
Problem: My PC is a useless piece of junk
Solution/Advice: You need to upgrade to the Anthrax 3000 turbo model with exclusive limited
ability, or trade your PC in for our pen and paper set. **
** Due to problems with some of our pens, the pen and paper set has been discontinued.
Moses & The Lord
"Excuse me, Sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, Sir."
"What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember ?"
"Oh, yes; I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know, Sir. Remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, Sir."
"Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out."
"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten 'things' you sent me via e-mail?"
"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they are important."
"What do you mean 'if they are important,' Moses? Of course, they are important.
Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."
"Well, sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of course, you would see right through that."
"What do you mean you 'lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"
"No, Sir; I forgot."
"You should always save, Moses."
"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to save them, but I forgot. I did forward them to some people before I lost them though."
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did. There was the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not.' May he change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I will act as if I did not hear that."
"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"
"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."
"Oh, yes. I E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what did he say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those -- err -- plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten 'things', do you?"
"They are not plagues; they are called 'viruses,' Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."
"We will do it the new way, Moses; using computers!!"
"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and point it toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses, not a rat. Mouse! Mouse!
And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try calling technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you? And I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,' because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. I bet some woman told Adam to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers 'Apple?'"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, Sir. I am pointing the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten 'things' have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let me see.
'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and
'Thou shalt not uncover Thy neighbor's wife.'"
"Turn the computer off, Moses.
I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."
10 ways you know you are a Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application
you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign
is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends
e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger"
them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to
make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every
silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and
refer to your children as "client applications".
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as
"my domain server".
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt
out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"
1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.
70 Ways To Tell You've Been Online Too Long
1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL".
3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to
your significant other.
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".
6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
7. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-
face.
8. You have to get a 2d phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
9. You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone
know you're going to be away.
10. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or
complete sentences.
12. You have met over 100 AOLers.
13. You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
14. When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"
15. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the
night when your spouse is asleep.
16. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know
you're on-line again.
17. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do
your own spouses.
18. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they
complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.
19. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to
your own.
20. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from
partying too much than the truth (online all night).
21. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your
own profile to see who you are.
22. Your kids are standing at your side saying, "Mommy, please come and
cook" dinner and you would rather type another "LOL".
23. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at
the same time.
24. You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.
25. Your dog leaves you.
26. You have to ask what year it is.
27. You write a letter like this.. "dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well I gotta
go bbl!"
28. You name your pets after people you talk to.
29. You smile sideways...
30. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on
their buddy list.
31. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore
button handy.
32. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.
33. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting & you
think "uh oh cyber sex perv".
34. You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more
than a few hours.
35. You use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one he he he).
36. You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.
37. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
38. Your worse comeback to a bully is "I'll slap ya w/a rubber chicken!"
39. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online
before you have your first cup of coffee.
40. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.
41. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome
screen.
42. You don't know where the time has gone.
43. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by
hand.
44. You get up at 2am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer
instead.
45. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
46. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/((hugs)) or **kisses**.
47. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and
lemme.
48. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n &
I will TTYL".
49. You type faster than you think.
50. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing
therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.
51. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.
52. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
53. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up
your TV screen at the end of a movie.
54. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes &
fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"
55. You dream in "text".
56. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.
57. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really
bored.
58. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.
59. You double click your TV remote.
60. You can now type over 70wpm.
61. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.
62. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else &
say "BRB" or "BBL".
63. You check your Email and forget you have real mail aka snail mail.
64. You go into withdrawals during dinner.
65. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to
everyone in a room.
66. You stop speaking in full sentences.
67. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended
up "giving" tech support to other AOLers.
68. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".
69. You know what a "snert" is.
70. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted
to check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was
online".
Life Before the Computer
An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out! Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!
Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it?
(Y/N)"
"Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
"Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen
software titles have been deleted. The police are on
the way."
Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of
conversing with inanimate objects.
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then
programming must be the process of putting them in.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (V)omit
Hit any user to continue.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Press to continue ...Smash forehead on keyboard to
continue...
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
C:\ File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or file
name!"
C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put in
new ones.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Definition: Multitasking - screwing up several
things at once.
High-Tech Redneck
You take your net-connected cell phone to the outhouse
to read your eMail
Your eMail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"
Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
Your presence on the World Wide Web is a "Down Home Page"
You tripled the value of your truck by installing a
portable DVD You trim the kudzu back from your trailer
so it won't mess up your DSL
You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy"
Your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite
tractor
You start all your eMails with the words "Howdy!"
You can fix a trolling motor with a set of PC tools
You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink
can on
The bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer
is a laptop"
You know that a 'network' has nothing to do with fishin'
Your baseball cap has an Intel logo instead of "CAT"
There's Bondo on your keyboard
You keep inventory of your truck parts, fishin' lures and
country music tapes in Excel
You've got every font ever made that looks like Old West
signs or wood Plank fencing installed on your computer
You have "Free Bird" and "Achy Breaky Heart" on the MP3
player in your truck
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