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teapeebubbles

07/15/08 4:26 PM

#113666 RE: cenote #113652

Sarah Silverman And Jimmy Kimmel Break Up

teapeebubbles

07/15/08 4:31 PM

#113667 RE: cenote #113652

A Brief History Of The Finger

The first documented 'finger' insult occurred in ancient Greece, when the playwright Aristophanes made a crude visual insult using the middle finger to represent a penis. In that context, 'The Finger' was used as an aggressive, phallic put-down.

By jabbing a threatening phallus at your enemy, you are belittling him and making him your sexual inferior.

When the Romans imported the art, music, and culture of the Greeks, the finger came along too. Roman Emperor Caligula, a pioneer in perversity, frequently shocked his citizens by forcing them to kiss his middle finger instead of his hand. One of his bodyguards, Cassius, whom Caligula often taunted as being too effeminate by jabbing his finger at him , finally had enough humiliation and assassinated him. Clearly, 'the finger' insult was not to be taken lightly!

During the Middle Ages, the finger went underground. It was still known, but the Catholic Church frowned upon its use, as the middle finger was supposed to be holy in the Mass. The unholy insult lurked deep within the hearts of filthy-minded folks everywhere, hiding from sight until the 19th century when it began to crop up again thanks to the invention of photography.

In 1886, Hall of Fame baseball pitcher Charles "Old Hoss" Radbourn slipped his little finger fastball into the Boston Beaneaters team picture. The split-second art of photography could turn the once boring painted portrait into a spontaneous work of rebellion, humor and spunk. Americans everywhere quickly got into the act.

In the immigrant mish-mash of early 20th century America, the finger was the one symbol every man, woman and son of a b itch could understand. With the invention of the automobile and the following invention of bad driving, it could be delivered from behind the safety of the wheel.

Hence, the finger became the great universal insult. All it needs to deliver its punch line is a clear line of sight!

teapeebubbles

07/15/08 8:32 PM

#113671 RE: cenote #113652

BOOZERS & LOSERS

BOOZERS...

He only drinks to steady himself. In fact, sometimes he gets so steady he can't move.

He had to quit his day job -- it interfered with his drinking.

If there's a nip in the air, he even tries to drink that.

He believes in a balanced diet -- a beer in each hand.

Recently he fell down the stairs with a full quart of whiskey and didn't spill a drop -- he kept his mouth closed.

When he donates blood to the Red Cross, there's so much alcohol in it, they use it to sterilize the instruments.

On his last birthday, with just one breath, he lit all the candles on his birthday cake.

It only takes one drink to make him drunk, but he's not sure whether it's the ninth or the tenth.

When he returns from lunch, he's so loaded they make him use the freight elevator.

He's such a drunk, he's been nominated for the Alchohol of Fame.

The only exercise he ever gets is hiccupping.

The way liquor makes him fly, bartenders are asking him to land some other place.

LOSERS...

In Las Vegas, he even loses money on the stamp machines.

He bets on horses just for laughs. So far, he's laughed away his bank account and his car.

He saved for years to buy an unbreakable, waterproof, shockproof watch - and lost it.

He's a real Don Juan with the ladies... the ladies Don Juan to have anything to do with him!

He's money mad... he's never had any money, and that makes him mad.

His boss would gladly pay him what he's worth, but it's against the Minimum Wage Law.

He always takes his salary to the bank. It's too small to go by itself.

He wanted to become a lawyer badly, and he's realized his ambition - he became a bad lawyer.

He's selling furniture for a living - his own!

He's one guy who has ulcers without being a success.

No one can call him a quitter - he's always been fired from every job he's had!

He's standing on his own two feet - his car's been repossessed.

He's the only person on record who used saccharine and ended up with artificial diabetes.

teapeebubbles

07/15/08 8:43 PM

#113675 RE: cenote #113652

Job Titles and Descriptions

CEO Leaps tall buildings on a single bound more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives Policy to God

Project Manager

Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if sea is calm
Talks to God

Senior Analyst

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special permission is approved

Systems Analyst

Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a switch engine
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God

Programmer Analyst

Makes high marks on walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Calls swimming "Staying Alive In The Water"
Talks to animals

Programmer

Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls

Project Clerk

Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building
Says look at the choo-choo
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

Administrative Assistant

Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
Is a god