Photo Illustration by Luis G. Rendon/The Daily Beast/Getty Images
Perhaps the only thing more shocking than Kristi Noem’s execution of her wirehaired pointer is her joyful confession of it in her upcoming memoir. The revelation has clouded the South Dakota governor’s political future—which anyone could have seen coming. What could possibly explain this? We have some ideas.
She really is that evil
There are plenty of ways to deal with an aggressive puppy: Hire a trainer. Return the dog to the breeder. Drop it off at a rescue. Only someone with very little heart or soul would instead drag the poor creature to a gravel pit and shoot it in cold blood, and then brag about it in their book. Also, who “hates” a dog—except Cruella de Vil?
She really is that dumb
Is it possible that Noem actually thinks killing Cricket was the right thing to do—and that everyone else would agree with her? Well, if she is anything like her hero Donald Trump and surrounds herself with sycophants, the answer might very well be yes! Political pundit Mickey Kaus says he heard that Noem used to love telling the story of Cricket’s violent end, even though people warned her she should stop because it was so disturbing. She apparently thought she knew better, which is pretty stupid.
She really wants to sell some books
Look, even if you’re getting discounts on your veneers by flacking for the dentist on social media, it never hurts to have more money. And instead of apologizing for killing Cricket when that part of the book was revealed, Noem used it to urge people to preorder for more “politically incorrect” stories. Unfortunately for her, she may have doomed her chances of more than doubling her $121,000 governor’s salary as veep.
She really didn’t want to be veep
Let’s face it: Being Trump’s No. 2 is the worst job in the world. Just ask Mike Pence. While Noem has been auditioning for the job with all the zeal of an Apprentice contestant for years—remember the mini-Mount Rushmore with Trump on it that she gifted him?—it’s possible she’s gotten cold feet. You’d think that being banned by the tribal lands in your home state might disqualify you, but maybe Kristi didn’t want to take the chance of being Trump’s whipping girl for four years.
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