Back in September, 2012, on the very night the famous 47% video leaked, I was approached by a man claiming to be a time traveler from the future, who snickeringly insisted I’d miss Mittens when his career in electoral politics finally ended. Naturally, I dismissed this as the raving of a lunatic, owing in no small part to the bathrobe and luchador mask the man wore.
But now, as Willard rides off into the sunset, with the family dog strapped to the roof of his horse, a dumbfounded nation wonders just how the fuck it landed at a point where a dressage horse-owning vulture capitalist retiring from the Senate would be considered anything but wonderful news.
I’ll leave the complexities of his legacy to the thinkpiecesmiths at the fancy magazines, but for tonight, I’m willing to focus on what unites us, like shared disdain for taint remoras like Josh Hawley and JD Vance.
Kevin McCarthy was on the hottest streak of his speakership. But then, the House’s six-week summer recess ended, and he had no choice but to clock back in at the job he does so very, very poorly. Hope we survive.
Watching Kev’s Kooky Kakistocrats go about their business is like watching turds knife-fight in a burning dumpster. Extrapolating conservatively from the week’s events, it’s reasonable to assume that by the time you read this, Kevin will be stumbling around the Republican cloakroom with his face stuck in a plunger, emitting muffled cries for aid, while Chip Roy crawls on the ceiling like the Trainspotting baby, hissing periodically.
Poor Keville Chamberlain figured a baseless impeachment hearing would serve as a suitable Sudetenland substitute for the let-it-all-burn corner of his caucus, but as usual, he was wrong. (Because he’s a fucking idiot, you see.) When a skeevy little crotchrash like Matt Gaetz can casually stroll onto the House floor to threaten you in the broad light of day, one thing you are definitely not is in charge.
Near as I can figure, the plan is to shut down the government unless everyone agrees to replace the Constitution with This One Wet Dream Grover Norquist Had After Huffing Ether With Steve Bannon, and accepting anything less earns McCarthy a one-way ticket to the Old Speaker’s Home upstate, where he’ll be spoon-fed soft foods, and pass his remaining days staring off into empty space alongside the defeated, expressionless husks of Paul Ryan and John Boehner.
On the impeachment push, I think the emergence of Ken freakin’ Buck as the voice of reason demonstrates how far down the rabbit hole we’ve fallen. Marjorie Taylor Greene has denounced Ken as a commie RINO traitor for spoiling the fun by drawing attention to the lack of supporting evidence, and she’s now proposing legislation to commandeer the Jewish space lasers to deal with his heresy.
Incidentally, the most pro-terrorist member of the U.S. House of Representatives celebrated 9/11 by once again calling for secession, but what Joe Biden did was way worse, marking the anniversary in some foreign shithole called, like, “Alaska,” I wanna say? https://newrepublic.com/post/175494/republicans-fake-news-cycle-biden-911-alaska
Succumbing once more to his losing-in-court kink, Off-Brand Orbán filed a motion seeking Judge Tanya Chutkan’s recusal from…from…oh hell, one of the trials, who can keep ‘em all straight? Chutkan couldn’t possibly preside fairly, y’see, given her well-documented anti-terrorism bias.
He’s suing one of the other judges, too…the fraud trial, maybe? My scorecard is completely fucking illegible at this point. And now I see Jack Smith’s asking him to kindly refrain from terrorizing witnesses and potential jurors, a request he has handled with his customary grace and dignity.
Also, the Velveeta Vulgarian sat down with Megyn Kelly, to chat about Santa’s inherent whiteness, and to helpfully confess to several of the crimes he’s been charged with. Kelly, to her credit, managed to get through the whole hour without any blood coming out of her wherever. Hopefully they can do a follow-up, where they get to the bottom of precisely who gave Dr. Fauci that presidential commendation he signed.
Pootie Tang wants the mean ol’ American justice system to stop persecutin’ his little buddy, and maybe he’ll find time to issue another statement to that effect once he’s done begging Kim Jong-un for ammunition. You wouldn’t happen to have any spare submarines lying around, wouldja, comrade?
I, like tens, if not hundreds of millions of Americans, slept soundly for the first time in goodness knows how long, secure in the knowledge that the nation’s most notorious falsifier of ATF form 4473 would finally face incict-y, special counsel-y justice. I’d like to thank all those brave patriots who made this day possible, by threatening the prosecutors and FBI agents on the Hunter Biden beat; America is finally great again, nice work.
Seems free speech absolutist Elon Musk has been “throttling” the New York Times like it was, I dunno, a Ukrainian sea drone headed for the child-murdering Russian fleet or somethin’. He probably just doesn’t want anything distracting folks from his posts parroting the Chinese Communist Party line. Or the anti-Semitism. Anyway, it’s the ADL’s fault.
Meanwhile, Wisconsin Republicans continued their authoritarian assault on democracy, and also their other authoritarian assault on democracy.
Ronnie DiSappointus attempted to reverse his collapse into nonexistence by circling back to vaccine disinformation, that old chestnut, during the latest Covid surge. Yeah, killing off the handful of folks still paying attention seems like sound strategy, Governor. Proceed.https://www.nytimes.com/2023/09/14/us/politics/desantis-covid-vaccine-booster.html
Elsewhere in the shared delusion some insist upon referring to as a presidential primary, Nikki “the Normal One” Haley added failed Senate candidate/furry litter box detective Don Bolduc as her New Hampshire campaign chair, while Chris Christie pledged to dog the Dotard’s heels, where’er he may roam, presumably to fetch his McDonald’s. And Doug Burgum shot a man, just to watch him die. Possibly. Who would know?
Foghorn Leghorn, down on his luck in this age of CGI and AI, has been reduced to phone sex work, the latest tragic…hang on, I’m receiving a correction…I see, yes. My mistake, that was actually Louisiana Senator John Kennedy, during a Judiciary Committee hearing. https://www.advocate.com/politics/john-kennedy-explicit-senate-hearing
Ron Johnson thinks windmills are somehow “killing the whales.” With sound. Windmills emit sinister, whale-destroying noises, according to the (checks notes) three-term U.S. Senator. Sigh. As always, this installment of the smash hit segment Stupid Fake Shit Ron Johnson Believes is brought to you by Acme brand horse paste, the paste your horse (and also your cousin who never left home) craves most. https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/ron-johnson-misinformation-windmills-killing-whales-1234821737/
Should future denizens of DeSantistan, brains rotted by PragerU videos, select Marco Rubio for enshrinement in the Capitol rotunda, he will surely be depicted furiously waving a copy of Sound of Freedom, probably on VHS, in commemoration of his heroic struggle to restore a couple of cancelled military screenings of the QAnon favorite. Truly, giants walk among us. https://thehill.com/policy/defense/4202812-rubio-presses-military-to-rescheduled-canceled-showings-of-sound-of-freedom/
Two hours ago, I thought the following paragraph would sufficiently serve this blog post’s needs:
“Lauren Boebert staged her own, personal microriot at the Buell Theatre in Denver, vaping next to a pregnant woman, and attempting to overturn the “Jump in the Line” scene of Beetlejuice: the Musical, alleging it was “rigged.” Fortunately, she was thwarted before she could storm the stage and bear-spray the actor portraying Otho.”
Looking forward to all the devout family values types demanding her resignation for handjobbing a dude in a room full of families with children, aren’t you?
…I get why Mitt would walk away, is all I’m sayin’. And I think the one thing I’d say to him tonight would have to be FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TAKE ME WITH YOU. But I doubt there’s room in the car elevator, so I’m stuck here. At least there’s beer. And with that ever-so-subtle rattle of the tip jar, (now accepting Venmo and PayPal!) I’ll sign off for now. You stay safe out there, friend. And yeah, join me on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter, @john_luzar if you’re so inclined.
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