LEE KRAMER'S ROOM: With Views

[janice shell]

I know. I'm waiting for that. Should be coming up next. But the cold open was awful.

[blackhawks]

Not over. For sure, at least, Weekend Update will nail her puppy killing ass.

[janice shell]

Damn! They're not doing Kristi!!

[janice shell]

“We’ve been made aware that the publisher will be addressing conflated world leaders’ names in the book before it is released.”

What on earth are "conflated world leaders' names"?

But never mind. Will SNL do Kristi in its cold open? Only twenty minutes before we find out...

[blackhawks]

Uh-0h. There's more trouble at Dogkiller Base.

https://www.politico.com/news/2024/05/03/kristi-noem-book-excerpt-nikki-haley-dog-00155925

First came Noem’s disclosure about shooting and killing her 14-month-old wirehair pointer, Cricket, for misbehaving. Then, just as the dog-killing news cycle was cresting, the Dakota Scout reported on an anecdote in “No Going Back” that on its face is highly improbable: Noem’s claim that she met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un while serving as a back-bencher in Congress.

“Through my tenure on the House Armed Services Committee,” Noem wrote, “I had the chance to travel to many countries to meet with world leaders. I remember when I met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. I’m sure he underestimated me, having no clue about my experience staring down little tyrants (I’d been a children’s pastor, after all).”

Noem's spokesman took time out from updating his resume to cop to the charge.

Noem’s spokesperson, Ian Fury, seemed to concede that the Kim story was false Thursday night: “We’ve been made aware that the publisher will be addressing conflated world leaders’ names in the book before it is released.”
The book also contains a fanciful tale of Noem's facing down the insidious blandishments of...Nikki Haley?
https://www.thedakotascout.com/p/gov-kristi-noems-account-of-meeting

“After what seemed to me a bit of an awkward pause, she added, ‘I … just … also want you to know one more thing … I’ve heard a lot of really good things about you. But I also want you to know that if I hear something bad … I will be sure to let you know.’

“There was a long pause. “‘Um, well, thanks for that, Ambassador.’

“‘Let me be clear,’ she added. ‘I’ve heard many good things about you. But when I do hear bad things, I will make sure that you know. I’ve enjoyed talking to you. We will visit soon. Goodbye.’ Click.”

In the book, Noem recounts feeling the cold, clammy hand of political threat reaching up to South Dakota from South Carolina. She talks to an aide.

“‘Yeah, I’m pretty sure I was just threatened by Nikki Haley. It was clear that she wanted me to know that there was only room for one Republican woman in the spotlight. It was weird.’ “Unsurprisingly, I never received any calls or ‘mentoring’ from her, but the message was clear. I’m the alpha female here, and you should know your place. I actually felt a little sad for her.”

According to Haley's camp, this encounter also was the sheerest moonshine.

“Nikki has long called and written notes supporting other women when they go through challenging times,” Denton said. “She called Governor Noem in 2020 to encourage her when she was criticized for keeping her state open during Covid. How she would twist that into a threat is just plain weird.”

And, on the other side of the rainbow bridge, Cricket—and the goat—look down and see Kristi Noem's political career slouching slowly toward the gravel pit.


https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/politics/a60688490/the-sixth-film-rollout/

[blackcat]

Very nice! I had a couple good wins earlier in the day which made up for what I didn't do in the KD. for me, it's all for fun and always small bets.

[Susie924]

I bet on the two horses I mentioned because someone who follows horses said they liked them.

I also bet on Mystik Dan because my Godson’s name is Dan.

$2.00 w/p/s on 3 horses = $18.00

Win $65.54

[janice shell]

Good for you!!

[blackcat]

Yes, the photo was amazing!

[janice shell]

Mystic Dan had quite a run. Incredibly close finish!

[arizona1]

Bob and I tuned in right before it started. We called out our picks: He chose #8, I chose #3 MYSTIC DAN! I won the freaking Kentucky Derby without spending a penny or knowing a thing about it! Best lucky thing that's happened to me in decades. I'm so excited!! 😀

[blackcat]

Mystik Dan was not my choice! I did have exotics with Sierra Leone and forever Young so I wasn't totally shut out.

[janice shell]

I don't really have any strong feelings. Maybe West Saratoga, but only because I like grays. Or Grand Mo, but only because he's the biggest long shot.

[Susie924]

Any picks for the Derby? My picks are Just a Touch or Domestc Product

[arizona1]

Underwood to immediately replace Cuellar in prominent funding role after indictment

Rep. Lauren Underwood (D-Ill.) is set to become top Democrat on the House subcommittee that crafts Homeland Security Department (DHS) funding, replacing Rep. Henry Cuellar (D-Texas) shortly after he was indicted on bribery charges.

Aides confirmed the news, first reported by Bloomberg Government, to The Hill on Friday afternoon.

A House Democratic aide said Underwood, who was previously tapped to serve on the subcommittee in 2021, will immediately begin serving as ranking member on the GOP-led subcommittee.

The news comes shortly after House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries’s (D-N.Y.) office confirmed Cuellar would be stepping down from the role following reports that the Texas Democrat and his wife had been indicted. Cuellar has been alleged to have accepted nearly $600,000 in bribes and laundered the funds.

Read more: https://thehill.com/business/budget/4642507-underwood-to-immediately-replace-cuellar-in-prominent-funding-role-after-indictment/

[arizona1]

The craziest part? Biden tried to pass a bill blocking price gouging at the pump and you'll never believe what happened next...

REPUBLICANS BLOCKED IT SO THEY COULD KEEP BLAMING BIDEN FOR INFLATION https://t.co/wDssg70q5u

— I Smoked Donald VonShitzenpants (@BlackKnight10k) May 4, 2024

Former GOP Sen. Alan Simpson on Donald Trump:

“This guy is so full of himself that he would overturn every kind of rule of law or Constitutional process because of his own ego, which is twisted…I’ll never vote for him again — that’s for goddamn sure.” pic.twitter.com/Sc6Fe2zZUL

— Republicans against Trump (@RpsAgainstTrump) May 4, 2024

[arizona1]

Everything Trump touches, dies,

John Eastman Suspended From Practicing Law by DC Appeals Court
Source: BloombergLaw

Donald Trump lawyer John Eastman has been temporarily suspended from practicing law in the District of Columbia in response to a similar prohibition by a California judge.

The suspension is temporary until the final disposition of the California proceeding, DC Court of Appeals Chief Judge Anna Blackburne-Rigsby wrote Friday.

California State Bar Court Judge Yvette Roland on May 1 rejected Eastman’s attempt to lift his suspension in that state, saying his disbarment would “safeguard the public” after he made false claims about the 2020 election. The California Supreme Court will make the final determination.

Eastman is one of several former Trump lawyers facing sanctions. Rudolph Giuliani and Kenneth Chesebro have also had their licenses suspended, and Jeffrey Clark faces possible disbarment after a DC Bar committee on April 4 preliminarily found he violated at least one ethics rule by lying about alleged election fraud.

In California, Roland in March found that Eastman should be disbarred for knowingly making false claims about Trump winning the 2020 presidential election.

Read more: https://news.bloomberglaw.com/business-and-practice/john-eastman-suspended-from-practicing-law-by-dc-appeals-court

[236T568]

That Abortion thingy

If you want to understand the rage folks feel about the abortion ban in Missouri, look no further than the signatures we gathered to put abortion on the ballot. We needed 180K we gathered 380K.

The Republicans are the dog that caught the car. Now what? See you in November, boys

— Jess Piper (@piper4missouri) May 4, 2024

[arizona1]

'Ugly' Noem’s dog killing was bad — but to really understand her, consider her billy goat

Since Gov. Kristi Noem’s disclosure of her farmyard killing spree, everybody’s been focused on Cricket.

That’s understandable. Cricket was a 14-month-old dog. It’s easy to imagine her head jutting out of a pickup window, hair and tongue blowing in the wind. Like many dogs, Cricket probably had a personality and other human-like qualities that we so often attribute to canine companions
Noem shot and killed Cricket on some undisclosed date years ago for being bad at pheasant hunting and good at chicken hunting. The moral, Noem wrote, is that leaders deal with problems immediately. That makes her a “doer,” she claimed, not an “avoider.”

That’s pure bunk, as millions of people have pointed out in an avalanche of criticism since The Guardian obtained an early copy and revealed some of the contents of Noem’s ironically named memoir, “No Going Back.” The relevant pages have since been shared with South Dakota Searchlight, which requested an advance copy but was ignored; the book’s official publication date is next Tuesday.

Again, the focus on Cricket makes sense, because we can all see that Noem could’ve taken the dog to a shelter and given it another chance at life.

But if you’ll hear me out, I want to tell you why Cricket’s fate is the wrong place to focus your attention.

If you really want to understand Kristi Noem, you need to consider the goat.

‘I spotted our billy goat’

After Noem made the death march to her farm’s gravel pit, where she shot Cricket, she was apparently still in an uncontrollable rage.

“Walking back up to the yard, I spotted our billy goat,” Noem wrote.

The nameless goat’s only sin in that moment was being in Noem’s field of view.

Noem blames ‘fake news’ for backlash against her killing a dog and goat

In the book, Noem tried to justify her snap decision to kill the goat by writing that it “loved to chase” her children and would “knock them down and butt them,” leaving them “terrified.” The animal also had a “wretched smell.”

But apparently none of that had been a big enough problem to do anything about it. Not until Noem got angry enough to kill a dog and decided she needed to kill again.

Noem says she “dragged” the goat to the gravel pit, “tied him to a post,” and shot at him. But the goat jumped when she shot.

“My shot was off and I needed one more shell to finish the job,” she wrote.

She studiously avoided saying she wounded the goat with the first shot, but that’s the implication.

“Not wanting him to suffer,” she added — apparently experiencing her first twinge of feeling, after saying that killing the dog was not “pleasant” — “I hustled back across the pasture to the pickup, grabbed another shell, hurried back to the gravel pit, and put him down.”

The goat story not only reflects a disturbing lack of self-control, but also raises a question of law.

The crime of animal cruelty

Noem has defended her shooting of the dog, citing legal justification for her actions. She’s likely referencing a state law that exempts from the definition of animal cruelty “any reasonable action taken by a person for the destruction or control of an animal known to be dangerous, a threat, or injurious to life, limb, or property.”

Cricket killed a neighbor’s chickens and “whipped around to bite” Noem when she intervened; therefore, by Noem’s logic, her killing of Cricket was legally defensible. She’s probably right, legally speaking.

What Noem’s shot heard around the world says about her approach to problems

But what about the goat?

Sure, it chased children, butted them, and smelled bad. “So, a goat,” Stephen Colbert deadpanned during his Monday monologue on “The Late Show,” speaking for everybody who’s ever been around goats. If those traits meet the legal definition of “dangerous, a threat, or injurious to life, limb, or property,” killing any goat would always be legally justified.

In reality, what Noem did to the goat — dragging it to a gravel pit, tying it to a post, shooting at it once, leaving to get another shell, and shooting it again — sounds an awful lot like the legal definition of animal cruelty. That definition in South Dakota law is “to intentionally, willfully, and maliciously inflict gross physical abuse on an animal that causes prolonged pain, that causes serious physical injury, or that results in the death of the animal.”

Alas, cruelty to animals is a Class 6 felony, and lower-class felonies like that carry a seven-year statute of limitations in South Dakota. We don’t know exactly what year it was when Noem shot her dog and goat. She gave a clue in the book when she wrote that her children came home on the school bus the day of the killings and one of them asked, “Where’s Cricket?” Noem didn’t say how she responded, and all of her children are now grown.

If that was more than seven years ago, the goat killing is probably not prosecutable. But no prosecution could do more damage to Noem’s reputation and career than she’s already done to herself by writing about her animal bloodthirst.

As Noem wrapped up her bloody tale in the book, she wrote that being a leader is often “messy” and “ugly.”

In her case, it certainly is.
https://www.rawstory.com/noam-goat/

[arizona1]

He was so good!

[blackhawks]

I hit record for a late rerun, so I'll catch it soon enough.

Reading about it the word that comes to my mind is 'belated'; belated testimonies, belated tears, belated moral stances that we've seen from all too many former Trump employees/witnesses. Many of them came of age during the tea party/birther years and yet they chose the GOP.

[236T568]

Ant then.....THERE WAS ONLY ONE!

Donald Trump's last soldier: We speak to only supporter left ranting outside court with huge pink flag

https://www.themirror.com/news/us-news/donald-trumps-last-soldier-speak-466561

[arizona1]

The link!!!

Anyone watching Lawrence? His righteous rant about Hope Hicks crying is a must see

Basically, I don’t care why she was crying. She didn’t cry for the kids he put in cages. She didn’t cry for all the women who lost bodily autonomy. She didn’t cry about 10 yr old girls getting raped and having to flee their state. There was more, so much more. He even called out how reporters treated her with kid gloves, even hugging and kissing her at press events.

Hopefully someone will post it.
https://www.msnbc.com/the-last-word/watch/lawrence-you-get-monsters-like-donald-trump-thanks-to-people-like-hope-hicks-210249285691

Jonathan Karl

I cracked up when Lawrence showed that geek reporter kissing her in the press room.

[blackhawks]

Trump Trial Week Two: Still Sleepy, Still Cold, Still a Rapist
Friday, May 3rd, 2024

https://showercapblog.com/trump-trial-week-two-still-sleepy-still-cold-still-a-rapist/

by Shower Cap | American Madness Journal | 0 comments



At the risk of repeating myself, adjudicated rapist/GOP presidential nominee Donald J. Trump spent the week napping through his felony trial, though rumors of farting in his sleep are just rumors and democracy dies in darkness so we must assume he is only napping and not necessarily farting the important thing is that he’s COLD.
https://thehill.com/regulation/court-battles/4623680-trump-courthouse-kept-cold-on-purpose/

Him is a sweepy, chiwwy wapist. Poow wapist. Poow authowotawian wapi-okay, I’ll stop.

The point is, we’re dealing with not just a known rapist but a wannabe autocrat. (I confess I am leaning Biden at this point.)

Time Magazine took us on a harrowing, Apocalypse Now But With Cheap Bronzer expedition through the eighty-eight remaining brittle neurons that constitute the Dotard’s almost visibly deteriorating brain, and what conclusion could you possibly draw but…the horror?

The closest thing to a coherent ideology amounts, more or less, to “whatever the weirdos who show up to the rallies want so long as I stay out of prison and also nobody ever gets to tell me no and Daddy finally admits I’m not a loser and maybe says I love you just once real quiet nobody else would have to hear or anything.”

Turns out, during those long courtroom naps, the sloppy old fop’s been dreaming of deploying the military to conduct mass deportations. Of detention camps. Of granting Christofascist wet dreams like allowing the state to monitor pregnancies in case any of those uppity sluts/whores/jezebels get to thinkin’ they possess some sort of inalienable right to bodily autonomy or somethin’.

This power, and more besides, must be granted to a man whose body is no longer capable of executing basic commands like Pronounce the Word “Infrastructure,” even with all the extra rest he’s been getting. He requires absolute legal immunity, partly for the fascism, but mainly for what he’s got planned if he ever gets those tiny, inadequate hands on whoever’s responsible for the thermostat in that courtroom.

At any rate, the sleep-farting God Emperor requires nine thousand more of your dollars, rubes, to pay the fines accrued for pathologically violating that gag order. You don’t even get an NFT this time, just the thrill of participating in a cornered thug’s latest attempt at witness intimidation.

Oh, and if anybody knows of a good accounting firm, the one Trump Social was using just got charged with fraud. Or a good lawyer, all of his are either attempting to withdraw, facing disbarment, or testifying against him while he naps.

Spinning off from the smash hit porn star hush money trial, Nobody Liked Michael Cohen debuts on C-SPAN this July. According to the press release, it’s “a zany political thriller/comedy of errors, depicting a sordid criminal conspiracy perpetrated by an immense cast of malicious galoots, seen through the eyes of the guy who somehow managed to be the biggest scumbag in the room.”

I guess Hope Hicks got sad on the stand because her boss committed so many crimes in front of her. It was always gonna end up in either the courtroom, or a thousand-year Reich, Hope, and since we’re talking about a guy who bankrupted a casino, well…

Sipping a room temperature Capri Sun, Bill Barr couldn’t repress a fond chuckle, reminiscing upon those heady days when Off-Brand Orbán would stumble about, hopped up on an Adderall/hydroxycholorquine cocktail West Wing staffers took to calling “Rudy’s hair dye,” ordering the executions of whoever had bruised his fragile ego last. Well I certainly understand why you’d endorse such a fine, upstanding fellow for President, Bill.

The puppy execution scandal roiling the Republican veepstakes finally filled the schadenfreude void that opened when Ron DeSantis slunk back to Florida. God bless Kristi Noem. Bless her dented, leaking brain, and the decisions she makes with it.

She truly believed this tale of puppicide would launch her national political career, leading perhaps all the way to the White House. And I get the thought process, frankly. The cruelty, as wiser folk have observed, is the whole dang point. Republican voters want cruel candidates. Candidates who will harm their percieved enemies. Candidates who would execute their smug libtard neighbors’ pets, perhaps, but not their own.

Still, the Cricket Had it Comin’ media tour has been can’t-miss comedy. I fancy myself a joke writer, but no man-made gag can compare with the natural beauty of this magnificent flameout colliding with Kimberly Guilfoyle’s promotional tour, for her children’s book…about a dog. That’s just God showing off.

“Hey, maybe it was a plot by deep state editors to make people THINK Kristi Noem executed a puppy when she really didn’t,” mused Kimberly Freaking Guilfoyle of All People, as Noem frantically concocted ever wilder tales to justify her crime.

The dog was putting rainbow fentanyl in the children’s Halloween bags, you see. Anyway, the whole thing was staged, in front of Kim Jong-un, to intimidate him into never fucking with America cuz we’re all puppy-killing psychos, and looking around, I think you have to admit it worked. Kristi’s the whole reason you’re not speaking North Korean right now. https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/noem-backpedals-anecdote-book-meeting-kim-jong/story?id=109909803

I hear Paul Gosar is kinda fiddling with a story about this dentist that offs beagles with novocaine, but he’s not sure if it’s a novella or a podcast yet.

A bipartisan group of lawmakers came together as the Congressional Dog Lovers Caucus, proposing billions to fund an Underground Railroad-like endeavor to evacuate all canine life from both Dakotas just to be safe, sorry Doug Bugman or whatever your name is. https://www.politico.com/news/2024/05/02/noem-dog-caucus-congress-00155721

Even Willard got his weekly one-liner in. Could pointing and laughing at Kristi Noem unify our broken nation? We need to be asking ourselves these tough questions, friends.

Here’s another one:

When Ron DeSantis bends the knee, are there like, lifts in the knee pads?
https://www.msnbc.com/opinion/msnbc-opinion/ron-desantis-trump-florida-meeting-rcna149785

I think Marjorie Taylor Greene liked things better when the Speaker of the House slept curled up inside a matchbox she kept in her bedside table. Now she’s all mad the uniparty vetoed her plan to replace the Whatchamacallits in the Capitol rotunda vending machines with individually wrapped bologna slices, so she called a press conference, alongside the guy Jacob Wohl said was banging Elizabeth Warren, a pet rock allegedly containing JFK Jr.’s soul, and Thomas Massie, to announce plans to waste a little more of everyone’s time next week. No wonder she’s making so many friends. https://www.thedailybeast.com/mtg-says-shell-force-doomed-vote-to-oust-mike-johnson-next-week

I guess Kevin McCarthy finally found a champion to defend his honor in the arena against Matt Gaetz, or at least to primary the little creep. I know we’re focused on Ukraine right now, but I’d hate to see this particular circular firing squad die down for lack of ammunition. If nothing else, somebody toss these two a single, rusty fork.

Seems Texas Congresscreep Troy Nehls may’ve stolen an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bit of valor. Gosh, and he seemed so honorable. Except for that time he got fired from that police department for “20 violations in just over a year, including destroying evidence, making an improper arrest and disobeying orders,” of course. Oh, and that time he participated in that plot to overturn that one presidential election.
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/troy-nehls-bronze-star-combat-infantryman-badge/

Arizona Republicans selected a freshly indicted fake elector and a QAnon-spewing former state representative who was expelled from office for ethics violations to represent them on the RNC, where they will play tambourine and go-go dance in Lara Trump’s blasphemous Tom Petty cover band, while also attempting to end democracy in the United States. https://www.cnn.com/2024/04/29/politics/jake-hoffman-indicted-fake-elector-arizona-gop-rnc/index.html

Vivek Ramaswamy says the Founding Fathers are waiting in the afterlife to judge us, and I’m not gonna lie, that sounds kinda hot. Suddenly overwhelmed by the urge to get somebody to handcuff me to the bed, put on a powdered wig, and read me Thomas Paine till I beg for mercy.
https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1784607039567651213?s=61

Speaking of politically themed sex acts, I just read the headline “J.D. Vance Goes Full Memory Hole With Claim About Mike Pence On Jan. 6,” which conjured an image that’d make Hieronymus Bosch slap me. Regardless, as one of the GOP’s most craven Trump enablers, Vance doesn’t deserve to get “memory holed,” whatever that may entail, ever, even if he pays for it. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/jd-vance-donald-trump-mike-pence_n_66335cace4b0849b2ede59e3

According to the Wall Street Journal, the culture on RFK Jr.’s potentially world-wrecking spoiler campaign runs a little on the “cultlike” side. I refuse to believe it. The blithering anti-vax kook attracted a small army of malcontents with emotional problems? Gosh, I thought I knew a thing or two about human nature, but…I’m gonna have to really rethink some stuff, y’know? “Cultlike.” Golly. https://www.wsj.com/politics/elections/rfk-junior-campaign-staff-cb17cf42

Mega-smart super-genius Elon Musk finally reversed the historic failure of his disastrous acquisition of Twitter; turns out all the joint needed was one more yapping Nazi incel, and now that Nick Fuentes has his platform back, it’s literally raining money. I’ll leave you to the long line of advertisers begging to be taken back, Mr. Genius, sir.

https://www.axios.com/2024/05/03/elon-musk-nick-fuentes-x-account

Young Nick’s getting normalized all over the place these days, if his boasts about infiltrating Charlie Kirk’s brownshirt bureaucrat temp agency are to be believed. You know, it might be a good idea to keep the American Right away from the levers of power for a spell.

Actually…y’know what? I’m finally convinced. Longtime readers would characterize this blog as staunchly anti-Trump, but somewhere around the eighth or ninth time he waddled out to whine about the temperature, I finally saw a personality worth building a cult around. It’s suddenly so clear to me: IT’S TOO COLD. Only by warming this one specific rapist can we hope to restore American greatness.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/trump-cold-court-jimmy-fallon_n_6630be85e4b0c9bc8758ca27

And if I’m gonna go MAGA, I’m gonna need EVEN MORE BEER, to kill off all those brain cells.

[arizona1]

I don't have a link yet but Lawrence O'Donnell is totally destroying Hope Hicks. Lawrence is my absolute favorite.

[arizona1]

I wonder if it's planned for indoors or outdoors?

[blackhawks]

Doubtful he'd see anymore excused absences if he violates a 'for expressed purposes' absence.

[blackcat]

He can just sleep through it.

[arizona1]

I think sitting through a boring HS graduation would blow up his brain. What will the valedictorian talk about?

[blackcat]

Does he dare not show up after all the fuss he made? I'm sure he doesn't want to, but..........

[arizona1]

What are the chances he doesn't show up? Both Melly and Barron appear to hate him.

[arizona1]

Let us know if it gets picked. Short and sweet......right to the point! #DementedAndDeluded 🥰

[blackcat]

MeidasTouch is looking for help with naming one of their billboards. It's going to be a dementia one. 7 words or less. My contribution was

TRUMP
DEMENTED AND DELUDED

[arizona1]

It would be cool if trump re-truthed that. 😁

Real men don't wear diapers but dementia patients do. Exhibit #1

[blackcat]

I know and- other than being totally repulsive, I don't know one guy who would agree with that even if he IS a cultist.

[blackhawks]

Michael Ian Black: Here’s the Speech Trump Should Give at Barron’s Graduation

VERY STABLE GENIUS

The 45th president has the opportunity to lay his unique brand of wisdom on his son’s graduating high school class.

Michael Ian Black

Updated May 01, 2024 4:28PM EDT Published May 01, 2024 4:46AM EDT


Photo Illustration by Elizabeth Brockway/The Daily Beast/Getty

Now that Judge Juan Merchan has ruled that the World’s #1 Dad, Donald Trump, is permitted to skip a day of his criminal trial to attend his youngest son Barron’s high school graduation, I thought it might be a nice idea for a professional writer to prepare some remarks for the former president to deliver to the graduates. Just a few words of life advice from an old man who has seen and done it all.

And, because I’m a generous spirit, I decided to take up the assignment myself.

I’ll set the scene. As the high school band performs a stirring rendition of The Village People’s “YMCA,” President 45 strides onto stage, perhaps performing his “I’m flossing the space between my ears” dance. Magic.

Then, the speech:

“To the wonderful students of this very expensive private school whose name I do not know, congratulations. Today is the day all of your hard work pays off as we celebrate your incredible achievement. Not as incredible as being elected President of the United States twice, the way I was, but incredible nonetheless.

Your incredible administrators came to me with tears in their eyes to ask if I would deliver a few words of advice as you begin the next chapter of your lives. Perhaps you will attend one of our corrupt universities or join the military to serve this great country of ours, although I have to tell you, some of the dumbest people I ever met in my life were generals. John Kelly, what a disaster. That’s why we need tough generals like the great Mike Flynn who was treated so unfairly by the failing New York Times.

My first piece of advice would be to have me as your father. (Hold for laughter and applause.) Barron knows that better than anybody. Stand up, Barron. Look at the size of that kid. Tallest presidential son in history, they tell me. Even Honest Abe didn’t have kids that tall. Taller even than James Comey, who I had to fire like a dog.

You’ve got to be loyal, kids. Loyalty is everything, isn’t that right, darling? (Turn to Melania.) Our beautiful First Lady is here. No other First Lady in our nation’s history has a figure like hers.

Stand up, Melania. Spin around. Look at that figure, just gorgeous. Can you imagine Ted Cruz’s ugly wife doing that? Not a chance. Sit down, darling, and try to put a smile on your face. Thank you darling. Be best.

Back to the advice. Find yourself a good lawyer. I mean a killer. Preferably Jewish, but not like Michael Cohen even though I did more for his people than just about anybody in history, except Moses. And some very smart people think I did even more than him.

Here’s a piece of advice nobody else will tell you—no email. You can still do the Tik Tok. I know kids love the Tik Tok even though Sleepy Joe wants to ban it. Terrible.

But the email is no good. Even when you erase an email, they tell me it’s still out there on “The Cloud.” Do you know what that is? I call it “The Cloud.” Everything you ever write on the computer lives up there forever. Well, if you don’t have anything up there, guess what?

We call that “plausible deniability,” folks.

As my great friend Roy Cohn once said, “Deny, deny, deny.” You don’t even have to know what you’re denying. You weren’t there, you don’t know about it, it’s somebody else’s fault.

You are the future leaders of this great nation which won’t be a nation much longer if I don’t win the White House.

It’s true. If I don’t win the White House in November, most of you will be dead within six months. My wonderful family will be safe but the rest of you will be on the streets killing each other for half a Chicken McNugget and a thimbleful of gasoline.

We love our Chicken McNuggets, don’t we, folks?

So sad.

(Leaving some space here for the former president to ramble incoherently for 90-100 minutes before wrapping up.)

In conclusion, great job.

I hope all of you go out there and make a tremendous fortune. And when you do, I hope you remember that it was your favorite president who cut your taxes. It was me, your favorite president, who saved this nation from pronouns. It was me, your favorite president, who created the greatest vaccine this nation ever produced in the shortest amount of time ever which I am hoping none of you took because it’s poison.

Thank you very much and God bless America.”

At this point, 45 picks up the stack of diplomas and throws them into the audience the way he did with paper towels to the victims of the hurricane in Puerto Rico as people salute, applaud, and—almost certainly—vomit.

[arizona1]

I've never seen this clip before. The MAGAts just throw the American flag on the ground.

Hey Jim Jordan, He Lauren Boebert,

WHY THE SILENCE ABOUT THIS? https://t.co/v9IJDrnHBT

— J Blue (@BlueGirl714) May 2, 2024

[arizona1]

I Sh¡t You Not... MAGA Embraces The Slogan "Real Men Wear Diapers"

“Real men wear diapers”, but -
It’s not a cult. It’s not a cult. https://t.co/LgVXbxXjAK

— @nancyann at other “places”. (@nancy_annn) May 2, 2024

After noticing a trend of pro Donald diaper merch at rallies throughout this year, I hit up President Trump’s latest event in rural Pennsylvania last weekend with the express purpose of seeing if his faithful were still flying their diaper flag. And let me tell you, it did not disappoint.










https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2024/5/3/2238749/-MAGA-Embraces-The-Slogan-Real-Men-Wear-Diapers?pm_campaign=front_page&pm_source=trending&pm_medium=web

[blackcat]

Exactly!

John Oberlin
How Karma works.

Dr. David A. Lustig
·
Your reminder that Fartacus, Don Snorleone, and Donald VonShitzenpants are all the same person— and no one enjoys demeaning nicknames more than he does.

[arizona1]

Mark Meadows unmasked in Arizona fake electors indictment, faces 9 felony charges: Report
Source: Law & Crime

Charges have formally been made public against Mark Meadows, the onetime chief of staff to former President Donald Trump, in the expansive fake electors case now underway in Arizona.

Trump is not charged in Arizona but is considered an unindicted co-conspirator.

As Law&Crime recently reported, 18 fake electors in the state were indicted by a grand jury on April 24 for their alleged efforts to overturn the legitimate results of the 2020 election. Though several Republicans were named directly in the fraud and forgery indictment including, among others, leaders of the state’s Republican party and two incumbent state lawmakers, some of those charged had their identities redacted, including Meadows and Trump’s former attorney also facing indictment in Georgia, Rudy Giuliani.

F0rmal charges have still not been confirmed for Giuliani in Arizona. The Associated Press reported first on Wednesday that the state’s attorney’s general office confirmed Meadows was being charged with nine felony counts and has been served. An attorney for Meadows did not immediately respond to a request for comment to Law&Crime on Friday.

Read more: https://lawandcrime.com/high-profile/mark-meadows-unmasked-in-arizona-fake-electors-indictment-faces-9-felony-charges-report/

His and others' names were redacted in the original announcement last week but were confirmed Wednesday for those who were successfully served.

[arizona1]

How is this guy still alive?

Shortly into Hope Hicks’ testimony, 45 nodded off, probably fantasizing about her.
His “Beautiful Blue Eyes” are closing; overweight giant Lizard with blue eyes… pic.twitter.com/gBOuKLJq6G

— Rubicon (@Rubicon1313) May 3, 2024

[blackcat]

I thought sure she was going to say her dog bit him so.....

@NoLieWithBTC
New: Kristi Noem has just been caught in a massive lie. She claimed in her book that she “stared” down Kim Jong Un when she “met” him.

Now her spokesperson just admitted Noem has never met Kim Jong Un.

[blackhawks]

Me too......

















Well?

https://www.democraticunderground.com/100218917514

[jbsliverer]

There are 17 gop states suing the federal government over the Pregnant Workers Fairness Act. The act protects access to very basic things, among which are:

- bathroom breaks
- access to water
- being able to sit or stand as needed
- allowing for lactation

So let's be clear, in… pic.twitter.com/IYVmtbvDNT

— Miranda (@DoomScroling) May 2, 2024

.

[236T568]

Hope Hicks witnessed nearly every Trump scandal. Now she must testify.

Friends say the former aide and Trump have not spoken since she testified to Congress about the Jan. 6 Capitol attack, but the two continue to have fondness for each other

https://wapo.st/4a2hvH6

[Susie924]

Trump Media’s accounting firm charged with ‘massive fraud’

BF Borgers, Trump Media & Technology Group’s independent accounting firm, was charged by the Securities and Exchange Commission on Friday with widespread fraud impacting more than 1,500 filings.

The SEC made no allegation of wrongdoing against Trump Media, which is not mentioned in the charges from the regulator.

The SEC accused BF Borgers of “deliberate and systemic failures,” including “fabricating” audit documentation and falsely representing to clients its work would comply with accounting standards. The agency described this as “massive” fraud taking place between January 2021 and June 2023.

Trump Media currently lists BF Borgers as its independent auditor. According to filings, Borgers served as Trump Media’s independent registered accounting firm before it went public in March. Later in March, the audit committee of Trump Media approved the hiring of Borgers as the public company’s accounting firm.

Although Trump Media may be the highest profile client of BF Borgers, the firm had 350 clients during this time period subject to SEC rules, according to the agency.

The SEC review only focused on public companies, meaning BF Borgers’ work for Trump Media when it was private was not included.

Neither Trump Media nor BF Borgers responded to requests for comment.

The SEC said in the press release that to settle the charges, BF Borges agreed to pay a $12 million civil penalty and its owner Benjamin Borgers agreed to pay a $2 million penalty.

[blackhawks]

Michael Cohen’s Mean Nickname For Trump | Noem Defends Killing Her Puppy | Boeing Sends A Message

[arizona1]

Mike Huckabee’s son hanged a dog. Sarah Palin’s son stood on one. Tomi Lahren kicks hers. Mitt Romney drove with his on the roof of his car. Ted Cruz abandoned his. Kristi Noem shot hers. In conclusion, Republicans are a bunch of dog-hating sociopaths.

— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 2, 2024

[arizona1]

Everyday I wake up and Donald VonShitzenpants is trending, is a good and happy day for me. I can't wait to watch Kimmel and Colbert tonight.

[blackhawks]

Fox and Trump are very mad about Donald VonShitzenpants being entered into the court record.

Please stop referring to him as Donald VonShitzenpants. It makes Donald VonShitzenpants very upset. Be cool, everyone. Stop using Donald VonShitzenpants.

Ingraham is not happy with CNN using a certain Trump nickname today pic.twitter.com/iOLnx6S4k7

— Acyn (@Acyn) May 2, 2024

https://www.democraticunderground.com/100218916683

2. That tops "shitgibbon"

Which made it into the transcript as well. I pity the court reporters who have to record this

4. Other names are still available. I like 'Nodfather'.