Your own childhood story is appalling as well.
And yet I know I DID have some good ones. Because once every two or three years, I find myself yearning to recreate the experience, and failing to do so.
The best, of course, are the ones with natural casings that snap when you bite in. But there're hard to find. The best national brand seems to me to be Hebrew National, but still, they aren't quite what I'm looking for...