How does it keep getting dumber and dumber every single week? Mathematically speaking, it shouldn’t be possible to get too terrifically much dumber than bragging about passing a cognitive test, or telling folks to inject disinfectant, but damned if we don’t just keep on spiraling downward. There has to be a bottom at some point…right?
Well, Merrick Garland’s nefarious persecution of a private citizen who only wanted to steal six or seven hundred pages of classified documents from the United States government continues apace, and I don’t even recognize my country anymore. Can somebody PLEASE explain to me, what’s the point of America’s vast intelligence apparatus, if not to enrich a single felonious game show host?
Thanks to the court-ordered release of the redacted affidavit used for the Marm-a-Lago raid, we learned a fair amount about what the shifty fucker stole: “184 unique documents bearing classification markings, including 67 documents marked as CONFIDENTIAL, 92 documents marked as SECRET, and 25 documents marked as TOP SECRET,” plus the Macho Man Randy Savage bobblehead Peter Strzok kept at his desk, and while it’s perhaps premature to jump to conclusions regarding the identity of the break room Lean Cuisine thief, let me just say I have suspicions.
Oh, and word is, Lil’ Donnie Dotard wants his bottom-of-the-barrel, strip-mall “lawyers” to get “his” docs back from th’feds. All of ‘em, apparently, including the (checks notes) nuclear state secrets. Considering the difficulties these Lionel Hutz wannabes are having with the more rudimentary aspects of their job, I’d scale back my expectations, bro. Maybe see if they can successfully deliver breakfast in bed without pouring Diet Pepsi on your Froot Loops before you go gettin’ greedy.
Wax museum escapee Rick Scott, eager to prove the doubters right in the wake of extremely public accusations of pissing millions of the National Republican Senatorial Committee’s hard-bilked dollars down the crapper, haughtily criticized President Biden for spending his weekends in Delaware…while vacationing in Italy, aboard a luxury yacht, like the regularest of Joes.
I don’t quite understand how, but apparently, despite all the incest and treason, Rudy Giuliani still has friends, including one who sent Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot a letter requesting an all-encompassing pardon, $2.5 million, and, oh yeah, the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
Suddenly, I feel kinda insecure about my own relatively unambitious Xmas list. Tell ya what, Santa, let’s tack on a couple suitcases full of unmarked euros, and a beachfront bungalow someplace with no extradition treaty, but don’t think you’re off the hook for the train set or the Vosges sampler, either…come to think of it, I’m pretty sure I’m still owed that Ninja Turtle Blimp from 1991.
A recount of the recent abortion vote in Kansas confirmed the Republican base is comprised of credulous buffoons, willing to piss away enormous sums of money on doomed efforts to prove Alex Jones’ Second Theory of Objective Reality, (“nothing I don’t want to believe is true can possibly be true, provided I stamp my feet hard enough”) in addition to the indisputable, inescapable fact that they got their theocrat asses handed to them in this referendum. Have fun this coming November, dirtbags.
Speaking of which, I may need an entire spinoff blog just to chronicle all the staggering idiocy unfolding on the 2022 campaign trail, where the stupidest motherfuckers walking God’s green earth self-immolate hourly. My working title is “Things Republican Candidates Say That Would Get You Immediately Fired From Any Conceivable Hardee’s,” whaddya think?
Meanwhile, Mehmet Oz, barely perceptible beneath the avalanche of mockery he brought down upon his own head with Cruditésgate, required several days and god knows how many political consultants to develop his new YEAH WELL YOU’RE FAT AND YOU HAD A STROKE counterstrategy, which I suppose will work as well as any of the quack remedies he’s proposed over the years.
As this cycle’s mouthbreathingest incumbent, Wisconsin’s Ron Johnson must be feeling intense pressure to keep up with all these brash, upstart morons, which may explain why he publicly confessed to joining the criminal conspiracy to overthrow the United States government, but only for, like, a little while.
I guess somebody finally told Blake Masters that Arizona’s birthing vessels, excuse me, Arizona’s “women” are still allowed to vote, (for now) so he made some hasty edits to his campaign website, erasing draconian abortion positions, no doubt imagining voters will ignore his well-documented extremism if he simply dons a sufficiently jaunty hat.
And while Arizona gubernatorial candidate Kari Lake “tries to run from (her) antisemitic ties,” Ron DeSantis sprints in the other direction, campaigning alongside Gab-wallowing white nationalist scumfuck Doug Mastriano in Pennsylvania. Meanwhile, the Lügenpresse won’t tell you about the equivalent bigotry on the Left, probably because it stubbornly refuses to exist.
Well, after more than five decades of public service, Dr. Anthony Fauci announced his retirement, which you’d think would be welcome news to the ivermectin-chuggers who crafted a whole damn religion around loathing him, but no, they’re puking up more acid bile than ever, promising “accountability,” no doubt in the form of televised hearings, featuring the likes of Paul Gosar and Lauren Boebert, shrieking about hydroxychlorquine and the taxpayer-funded petting zoo he had constructed in Wuhan.
Anyway, if anybody anywhere has earned a break, it’s America’s handsomest epidemiologist; that he didn’t throw up his hands and tell us all to go ahead and medicate at the feed store if we wanted to is a testament his character.
There was surprisingly little pushback from the GOP when President Biden referred to their careening resentment crusade as “semi-fascism,” likely because multiple prominent Republicans were tackled by their own comms staff before they could hit send on that WHO YOU CALLIN’ SEMI press release.
Incidentally, not only did the Darkest of All Possible Brandons pop the very last remaining vein in the Right’s collective forehead by announcing billions in student debt relief, he waited for the inevitable FILTHY TAKERRRRRRRRRRRRRZ shitfit before dropping receipts, in the form of many a yapping plutocrat hypocrite’s forgiven PPP loans. Diamond Joe’s been scraping Republicans off the heel of his boot longer than I’ve been alive.
Sensitive election files from Georgia and Michigan were shared with seemingly every drooling fuckwit on Mike Lindell’s email list, including a professional surfer, a delusional meteorologist, a “seduction and pickup coach,” a talking orangutan, Norm from Cheers, and the meth-addled bees that dwell in Sidney Powell’s cranium, further affirming conservatives’ longstanding commitment to information security. https://www.washingtonpost.com/investigations/2022/08/22/election-system-copied-files-trump/
Yet another prominent Trump campaign official has been arrested on charges of sexual abuse, an occurrence so commonplace, it hardly seems newsworthy anymore. This one’s called Perry Hooper Jr., and he hails from Alabama, that family values Shangri-La that gave us insurrectionist Mo Brooks, pedophile Roy Moore, and Jefferson Beauregard “Too Racist For the 80’s” Sessions III.
At this point in the blog, I’d like to ask any children, or adults with heart conditions to leave the room, for the time has come to gaze upon the cyclopean cosmic horror that is…the Florida Republican primary.
Temporarily unincarcerated child rapist Matt Gaetz cakewalked to victory, because of course the QAnon crowd are hypocrites about the one fucking thing they claim to care about.
What sort of viscous marmot turd do you have to have for a soul to walk into a voting booth and fill in the bubble next to that sex-trafficking degenerate’s name? Voting for Matt Gaetz should land you on the no-fly list.
At least Luis Miguel, running on a “plan” to permit Floridians to murder federal law enforcement agents, lost his bid for a seat in the state House, along with his Twitter account. On the bright side, Miguel will now have plenty of time to pursue his other passions, such as Christian nationalism, and seeking the execution of Bill Gates.
Laura Loomer, who is subpar even by MAGA nation’s limbo-contest-in-the-Mariana-Trench standards, also lost, but only by single digits, because I guess “unusually shitty fascist” isn’t a deal-breaker anymore.
It goes without saying she’s refusing to concede, and pledging to handcuff herself to…I dunno, something. She got more than 37,000 votes. To be a U.S. Representative. To write LAWS. Sleep tight.
In New York, Carl Paladino lost as well, though he certainly got more votes (and more endorsements from members of House GOP leadership) than anybody who praised Hitler really ought to get, ideally, in a country that doesn’t want to be governed by Hitler admirers, which I dearly hope still includes the one in which I reside.
Former Turd Reich capo Ryan Zinke can add “lying repeatedly to federal investigators” to his rap sheet, and though he remains the frontrunner for that new Montana congressional seat, one cannot help but wonder if his crimes, however plentiful, qualify as violent enough for the discerning MAGA electorate out in Big Sky Country.
Speaking, as we so frequently must, of the American Right’s growing propensity for violence, the IRS has deemed it necessary, amidst round-the-clock screeching about “87,000 armed, jackbooted thugs,” to conduct a comprehensive security review, and one wonders when the party of fiscal responsibility will protest the inevitable billions pissed away, likely for decades to come, protecting civil servants from the mob of misinformed maniacs unleashed by Rupert Murdoch’s well-compensated stable of terrorism inciters.
So, some unfathomable buttnugget apparently decided that what the proto-fascist Republican Party really deserves is not a thorough paddling and a century or two in timeout, but rather ONE POINT SIX BILLION DOLLARS in unaccountable “dark money,” to be dispensed without oversight, promoting the Federalist Society’s next wave of dominionist weirdos, who won’t stop repealing rights until we’re all quartering redcoats on our living room sofas.
Alas, none of that lunatic largess appears to be earmarked for Truth Social’s unpaid web hosting bills, although I have to say, if you’re foolish enough to go into business with Donald Trump at this late date, you don’t fucking deserve money.
Conservatives may not support your right to vote or read or control your own body, but the liberty to spread disease is goddamn sacrosanct. There’s actually a fairly straight line between their pandemic petulance and Tucker Carlson’s latest cause célèbre, an Amish farmer who just wants to poison customers with his listeria-laced raw milk in peace, the way the Founders intended. Honestly, if it doesn’t hurt anybody else, is it really even freedom? https://www.thedailybeast.com/conservatives-milk-story-of-amish-farm-tied-to-fatal-listeria-outbreak
Lordy.
…and yet, despite all the preceding madness and jagoffery, still we plummet dumbly further into the abyss of dumbness, ever denied the sweet oblivion of hitting rock bottom. Ah well, at least there’s beer. See you in a week, m‘loves, you stay safe out there.
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