I’ve decided to adjust my attitude about this whole Fall-of-Rome thing we’ve got going on in America; I’m just gonna rub it in young folks’ faces, all the rights and privileges I had when I was their age.
“Oh yeah, it was fuckin’ fantastic, you could tell the truth about history…shit, if the government botched a pandemic response, killing hundreds of thousands of people and crashing the economy in the process, you were allowed to replace ‘em with a whole ‘nother government, it was pretty nifty!” And then they’ll cry all the way to work in the Amazon mines.
If these thought police thugs get their way, you’ll have to pledge allegiance to the intentional, whitewashed indoctrination of children if you want to hold a job as a teacher in the Granite State.
Meanwhile, Texas school districts are vigorously purging hundreds of books from public school libraries, which is sinister and terrifying, yes, but also, like…do y’all really imagine you’re going to trick folks into believing bigotry is a liberal hoax, when the entire fucking purpose of the Republican Party (beyond cutting the mega-wealthy’s taxes, of course) is the preservation of white political dominance at any cost?
Like, “Wow, those old white dudes keep stripping minorities of their voting rights, I wonder what that’s all about? I can confidently rule out institutional racism, since all reality was surely contained within the confines of my middle school library, which is also why pornography doesn’t exist.”
Incidentally, I see Governor Tate Reeves is absolutely horny for Anti Choicey Barrett and her gang of manic theocrats to formally end Roe v. Wade so he can finally align women’s rights in Mississippi neatly with his third-world coronavirus response…or he would be, anyway, if demonically enchanted Cabbage Patch dolls possessed genitals capable of arousal. Shit, maybe they do. Somebody should check. Um…not it.
So, the big new trend in wingnut Congressjag circles is rubbing salt in the Oxford High School community’s extremely fresh wounds, by snickeringly spreading shitty little Xmas cards, depicting their heavily-armed, terror-cell-waiting-for-activation spawn, because the “family values” crew is all about mocking the mourning and trolling the traumatized these days. Y’know, these spiteful freaks only attain MAGA stardom in the first place through indecent behavior, up to and including harming, or even killing people, (see Rittenhouse, Kyle) in case anybody’s wondering where all this is heading.
Well, it’s lookin’ like SHITSACK CIVIL WAR in Georgia, where insider-trading plutocrat David Perdue announced a primary challenge to the incumbent Republican Governor, vote-suppressing autocrat Brian Kemp. The only issues at stake here are perceived loyalty to a fascist game show host, and whether or not it’s worth the trouble of formally crafting framework to legally disenfranchise minorities, such is the state of the discourse in the Grand Old White Nationalist Death Cult.
Kemp can point to the six county election boards the state GOP has taken over, replacing local Black Democrats with apostles of the Big Lie, as proof that his bureaucratic approach to institutionalizing white supremacy works just fine, but it’s clear there’s a constituency that longs for a return to the days of burning crosses and hooded terror. It ain’t Aunt Bee’s chicken casserole these folks’re nostalgic for, y’know.
Off-Brand Orbán once again casually confessed to firing Jim “The Man Who Fucked Up the Entire Course of Human History” Comey because he’s a great, big, fat, fucking criminal who feared justice, and desperately wanted to obstruct it. We can skip to the sentencing phase any time now, is all I’m saying.
And I see Devin Nunes, deprived by redistricting of his traitor-friendly personal electorate, decided to take his war on democracy, decency, and competency to the private sector, retiring from Congress to run the Velveeta Vulgarian’s social media startup.
Now, the company is already under investigation, because fucking of course it is, but I think the feds should step back and let nature take its course here, because when the business genius who somehow figured out a way to lose money in the casino industry teams up with the treacherous clod who lost a lawsuit to an internet cow, you’re gonna see failure on a goddamn cosmic scale, folks. It’ll be like a Tom Waits song about the Washington Generals getting hooked on meth.
Speaking of the clump of septic mediocrity comprising Hairplug Himmler’s inner circle, it appears Mark Meadows received the telltale tug on the leash from those tiny, inadequate hands, and thus withdrew his previous agreement to cooperate with the January 6th commission, though not before sharing the Assclown Autogolpe’s actual POWERPOINT PRESENTATION outlining the (stupid, stupid) plan to end American democracy, which is what pops up now if you say, “Siri, show me the banality of evil” into your iPhone.
It’d be nice if the media would pay more attention to this shit, but I understand Kamala Harris, that pot-purchasing jezebel, is now in the midst of a fresh, new, earbud scandal. America was pretty cool, while it lasted.
For decades to come, Real Muricans’ eyes will well up with petulant tears as they recollect, in intimate detail, precisely where they were and what they were doing when some homeless guy set the Fux Nooz Xmas tree on fire*.
The network’s stable of snarling propagandists took a break from normalizing and/or inciting right wing violence to wail and moan and beat their breasts over this dastardly attack on the gaudy, hollow self-worship they so cynically peddle as patriotism.
And yes, you should absolutely dust off your old compare/contrast skills from high school English class to analyze the difference between Fux’s coverage of this bunless nothingburger to their yearlong, nigh-ritualistic minimization of the Capitol Riot, if only to understand how the greatest democracy in human history found itself on the precipice of committing suicide-by-overindulged-idiocy.
Anyway, if you’re struggling with the holiday shopping for your radicalized relatives, you can never go wrong offering up some fresh excuse to wallow around in the soothing sty of sweet, sweet victimhood. And don’t bother about believability or logical consistency; just tell ‘em you saw the CEO of Whirlpool criticize Trump on Maddow the other night, and kick back with a beer while they take a sledgehammer to their own dryer.
Celebrity child molester/close, personal friend to the Huckabee family Josh Duggar was convicted on two child pornography counts, so for a couple decades anyway, Republican politicians will have to visit him in prison to get those photo ops they’re all so fond of.
Well, it’s been a few weeks since anybody paid any attention to his fool ass, so Ron Johnson waddled out onstage just long enough to claim that…fuck, I’m getting exhausted just typing this…that mouthwash kills the coronavirus, which of course it does not do, and I don’t think I’m unreasonable in believing this doofus should take himself a little hiatus from writing laws the rest of us have to obey until he works out how to vet information on the internet as well as a 5th grader. There’s a one hundred percent chance that RoJo has leaked classified information to at least one catfishing Ashley Madison account, by the way.
On a certain level, expecting the Deposed Dotard to pay attention to a single legal defeat amidst a lifetime of judicial drubbings is like asking a sandwich artist to recollect one particular meatball sub, but this latest setback likely stings a bit extra, since a federal appeals court ruled he’s not allowed to hide presidential records pertaining to the Stoopid Coo from the January 6th commission in those ridiculous balloon pants of his. Better call Saul, you weaselly little turd.
Kidding**.
Well, I’d say we’ve all earned our weekend after enduring that shitstorm. Stay safe out there, friends, I don’t think it’s gonna let up any time soon…
*I myself was shitting out the undigested portions of the previous evening’s Hungry Man Dinner.
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