This is from an old blog I used to do.
Let me preface this post by saying I consider myself a fine, upstanding American. I pay my taxes, donate to charity, and leave a larger than normal bowl of candy out for Halloween. (I’m talking the good stuff too, Twix, Herseys, Snickers….not that candy corn crap.) I like to think I am a good person, so please don’t judge me solely by this post. Knowing that…here goes.
About a year ago, my then 3 year old daughter, Isabella, came home from a friends party. I had never seen her so excited. It was a princess party, and she was all princessed out. From the glittery slippers, (Same kind mom likes to wear on dress up Friday nights), to her magic princess wand. She burst through the door to tell me how much fun she had at her friend Ashley’s party! She went on to rant and rave about everything from the dance contests, to Ashleys fantastic playhouse her father had built. The thing had electricity, a chandelier and a butler names Jeeves. (Don’t ask)
Out of her goodie bag, she pulled out a DVD which she handed me and begged me to play. The cover of the DVD looked like some pseudo Disney Movie,with a picture of the host, Ashley, superimposed between Cinderella and Snow White. I could just envision Walt Disney turning over in his grave. Somehow, I got to think Disney didn’t authorize this. “Please, please, please daddy, will you play my video?” Isabella asked, over and over. “Of course sweetie” I’m such a good parent.
So now picture this. My wife, daughter and myself are all lying on the bed, my wife on one side, daughter in the middle, and me on the other. I set my laptop down in front of my daughter, cracked open the DVD, and popped it in. Windows media player pops up, and in perfect form, my auto-play feature kicks in.
I knew I was in trouble when I first heard the music. “Chicka chicka bom bom, chicka bom bom”. This didn’t sound like any kids party I have ever been to, but I waited. My daughter, still with a huge smile on her face, in hopes her friend Ashley will appear on the screen momentarily. The video fades in and its a young, attractive Asian woman, apparently very flexible, having sex with something that appears to be a black, portable jackhammer. I believe she referred to it as the “Ebonypleaserscrewge” . How festive, and Christmas was still two months away. At this point I realized there was trouble. My wife shot me a perplexed look and my daughter exclaimed, “I don’t want that!” I couldn’t turn the computer off fast enough!
Now there I was, realizing I was at a crossroad. Do I tell my wife, that somehow Ashleys fine, Cristian parents, had mistakenly put a porno in the DVD case, instead of Ashleys party video, or do I admit to her that what we were watching was not Ashley, but in fact Ass-Lee, Asian porn star and her back door fun friends. Apparently, instead of loading the DVD, it loaded a file from my computer instead. Decisions, decisions.
Now I can tell your really starting to judge me, and you probably have a few questions so let me see if I can answer them. First off, yes it was my porn. It was only one of two porno movies that I own, the other one being “Snatch Adams”, I just love Robin Williams. Now its not like I’m some pervert always watching porn, but as a good American, I felt it my civic duty to have some carnal adventures in my collection, otherwise they come and pull your “man card”. I decided to come clean and fessed up to my wife that it was mine. Now anytime I am on the computer I get a suspicious look from my wife. She thinks I all do it look at porn. Gotta go, shes giving me that look right now!
