Zeev's Turnips Patch-No Politics (ZEEV)

[TJ Parker]

on a lighter note ...

BUSH ACCUSES SADDAM OF HIDING ONE MILLION U.S. JOBS

Warns Iraqi Strongman: Make Stock Market Go Back Up, Or Else

Promising the nation that he would shift his attention to the U.S. economy with “laser-like intensity,” President George W. Bush used his State of the Union address tonight to accuse Saddam Hussein of hiding over one million American jobs somewhere in Iraq.

“We have intelligence information indicating that Saddam has hidden these jobs in so-called ‘dual use’ facilities, out of the reach of U.N. inspectors,” Mr. Bush said.

In another statement on the economy, Mr. Bush said that over the last two years Saddam Hussein had systematically made the stock market go down and demanded that the Iraqi strongman "make it go back up to where it used to be -- or face the consequences."

Mr. Bush added that Saddam, through his proxies, had cooked the books at such U.S. corporations as Enron, Tyco, and WorldCom, forcing “dozens of innocent American CEOs into humiliating perp walks.”

The President said that he had been patiently waiting for the stock market to go up, but its flagging performance in recent weeks had left him with no alternative but to invade Iraq.

Turning to the subject of unemployment, Mr. Bush said, “Everything would be better if Saddam Hussein were unemployed.”

White House press secretary Ari Fleischer said that the State of the Union Address proved that the President was “totally focused” on the economy, adding, “The President’s message couldn’t be clearer: ‘It’s the economy, Saddam.’”

Mr. Bush’s three-point economic plan, as unveiled in the State of the Union Address, aims to stimulate economic growth by removing Saddam Hussein, removing Saddam Hussein and removing Saddam Hussein.

http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=496