Notice of Revocation of Independence
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
resume monarchial duties over all states,
commonwealths and other territories including
New Jersey. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Eliza-
beth II will resume monarchial duties over all
states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your
new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair,
MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now
been unaware that there is a world outside
your borders) will appoint a minister for
America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced
with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the
Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up
"aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you
have been pronouncing it. Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the
same twenty seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know"
is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English".
We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English
and Australian accents. It really isn't that
hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to
cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national
anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after
fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
you to get confused and give up half way
through.
6. You should stop playing American "football".
There is only one kind of football. What you
refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that
there is a world outside your borders may have
noticed that no on else plays "American" foot-
ball. You will no longer be allowed to play it,
and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with
the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which is similar to American "football",
but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like nancies). We are hoping to get
together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France,
using nuclear weapons if they give you any
merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware
that there is a world outside your borders
should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is
French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.
November 8th will be a new national holiday,
but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are
crap and it is for your own good. When we show
you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving
us crazy.
11. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason
12. Enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney
pudding. Train waitresses to be more aggressive
with customers and not to tell you their names
before you eat.
13. All members of this British Crown Dependency
will be required to take six weeks annual
vacation and observe statutory tea breaks.
14. Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall
all cars to effect the change immediately.
15. Report to our Consulate General in NY - M Wragg -
for your new passport and job allocation.
16. Have Meg Ryan report to the Prince Andrews
Bedchamber.
17. Add the Royal insignia to the top of the
Washington Monument - and the Queens Christmas
speeches to the Lincoln Memorial.
18. Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball
and instead call it the National Series of USA,
Cuba and Japan.
19. Learn at least the first 4 lines of "God Save
The Queen"
20. All national law-enforcement will de-arm and
surrender all weapons to the Queens Colony
Constabulary and assume operating control under
the direction of the Lord High Constable of The
American Colonies and its Territories.
21. The American Armed Forces will be reorganized
and renamed as Her Majesty's Royal Guard.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be
with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
revenues due (backdated to 1776).
#board-2412
"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit." - Aristotle
