OT: BP Jokes (copied from StockHouse board)
"The BP president said yesterday that the company would survive. That'slike someone running over your dog and saying, 'Don't worry, my car isfine.'" —Jimmy Fallon
"A congressman actually apologized to BP's CEO for the way the companyhas been treated. How stupid are you when the CEO of BP is in the roomand people think you're the moron?" –Jay Leno
"Today, President Obama finally met with BP's CEO, Tony Hayward, but themeeting was only scheduled 20 minutes. Call me crazy, but I think itshould take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get youroil checked." —Jimmy Fallon
"Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking aboutsolar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your houseengulfed in flames and saying, 'We really should change the curtains.'"—Craig Ferguson
"The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demandingthat BP clean up the Gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't evenclean up their gas station restrooms." —David Letterman
"How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oilslick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on theHudson, it won't be that big a deal." —David Letterman
"BP CEO Tony Hayward said recently, 'No one wants this thing over morethan I do. I'd like my life back.' Tony, I'm so sorry you had yoursummer disrupted. I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that too... and make me clean it up." —Craig Ferguson
"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is nowcatching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is thatthey're capturing it with ducks." —Jimmy Fallon
"This Tony Haywire guy, whatever his name is, he told the BBC on Sundaythat he believes the new oil cap that they've installed will eventuallycapture the vast majority of oil spewing from the well. You know, ifthey could capture half the BS spewing from Tony Hayward, people wouldbe thrilled." —Jay Leno
"BP CEO Tony Hayward said he would just like to get his life back. Hewants to get his life back. You know, I say give him life plus 20." —JayLeno
"A few days ago, Vice President Biden and Rahm Emanuel had a water gunfight during a party at Biden's house. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia spentthe last few days trying to solve the BP oil crisis." —Jimmy Fallon
"BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oilcompany. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that'sruining the ocean." —Jimmy Fallon
"The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in theGulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami." –David Letterman
"A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obama isdoing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same pollfound that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans." –Jimmy Fallon
"And today at a press conference, Obama said that the government doesnot have better technology than BP. That's a nice thing to announce tothe world, that our government has fewer resources than a company thattried to plug a hole with a 'top hat.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Well, folks, here's the latest update. I guess this is good news. BPofficials say the 'top kill' plan is working. The bad news — BPofficials are a bunch of lying weasels." –Jay Leno
"In a new interview, BP's CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill isrelatively tiny compared to the 'very big ocean.' That's like tellingsomeone who's just been shot not to worry about the bullet becausethey're really, really fat." –Jimmy Fallon
"Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. Theonly catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico." -Jay Leno
"I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says hebelieves the overall environmental impact of this oil spill will bevery, very modest. Yeah. If you live in England!" –Jay Leno
"BP has inserted a siphon tube into the well to suck up all the oil fromthe spill. And they've had a lot of experience in this area, by theway. This is the same tube they've been using to suck the money out ofour wallets for the past 50 years." –Jay Leno
"What they're going to do is they're going to suck all of that oilthat's leaking into the gulf and pump it up into a tanker. Now the badnews is the tanker is the Exxon Valdez." –David Letterman
"In Louisiana, BP claims that it's making progress with the leaking oilin the Gulf. They're working on a plan to heat the Gulf up to 600degrees and use it to fry chicken." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea." –David Letterman
"There is so much oil now in the Gulf of Mexico, and you can thank thefolks of British Petroleum for this, so much oil in the Gulf, you cannow park on it." –David Letterman
"And tar is washing up onto the beaches — big globs of tar. And peopleare saying, 'Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?' No, ofcourse not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold downyour blanket." –David Letterman
"This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I wentto lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wantedit regular or unleaded." —David Letterman
"British Petroleum said today that if this spill gets worse, they may soon have to start drilling for water." —Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney's pals at Halliburton ... say they're going to do theunderwater cement job to plug the hole. I thought, wait a minute, thisis a mistake. Underwater cement? You call the mafia. Am I right?" —DavidLetterman
"The oil company said it was the rig company's fault. The rig companysaid it was Halliburton. And somehow, each time they passed the blame,Goldman Sachs made a hundred million dollars." —Bill Maher
"We're still dropping things on it. This is like if your toiletoverflowed and you tried to fix it by smashing it with a brick. Theirnext idea is to get the old lady from Titanic and she's going to throwher jewelry at it." —Bill Maher, on the oil spill in the Gulf
"You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in theGulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds inoil than Colonel Sanders." —David Letterman
"On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanupcosts for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter howmuch they have to raise gas prices." —Jay Leno
"They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip." —David Letterman
"This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo." —Bill Maher, on the oil spill on the Gulf of Mexico
"The plan is to contain the oil slick with fire-retardant beams, andthen set fire to the oil that pools on the surface. They say if it worksthere in the Gulf, they're going to try it on the cast of JerseyShore." —Bill Maher
"By the way, Sarah Palin, if you're watching, how is that offshore drilling working out for ya?" —David Letterman
"Bad news, it's going to be a huge environmental disaster, the oil rigdown there in the Gulf of Mexico. The good news is they think now thatthe oil spill will be diluted by the melting ice caps." —David Letterman
~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
AI
