Do you suffer from these symptoms?
• Do you find that you are withdrawing from friends and loved ones for hours—even days—at a time?
• Do curious and seemingly rhythmic squiggles and ripples randomly appear in your field of vision?
• Do you notice numbness or tingling in your fingers?
• When someone cuts in front of you—-while you’re waiting patiently in the “B” boarding group on a Southwest Airlines flight—-do you find yourself just blurting out things like, “Hey, where you think you’re going, charm school?” or “Look, pal, we can go to Pittsburgh the easy way or the hard way: it’s up to you, capiche?”
• When your uncle mentions his great, steady, really phenomenal success through his investment—the only investment he has ever made in his life and the only stock that ever occurred to him to be invested in—Exxon, do you suddenly feel like you did when Billy Bob Thornton was quoted liberally about Angelina Jolie? Something like, “Gawd love you, but shut up already! Yes, I’m sure the sex is phenomenal. But, shut up already!”
• Do you notice an irritableness or free-floating anxiety in advance of major security and technology tradeshows?
• Do you develop a curious, persistent, site-specific, virtual rash while lurking or posting on iHub?
If you’ve noticed any or all of these symptoms, you could be suffering from a serious but treatable condition called “Binary Investment Disorder” or BID. (For those in Texas, y'all recognize that I’m just joshing and giving y’all some “bidnuss.”)
BID is best defined as a “persistent feeling that this puppy could go radically one way or another and there’s really nothing you can do about it.”
According to researchers at the “Foundation for Living with Binary Investment Disorder,” based in Nepal and run by the guru, Swami Raminoodleswoireeupthadowntha or “Swama-Rama”, formerly known as Nicholas Negroponte, the best treatment is rest, meditation, exercise, and hours of listening to music by Danny O’Keefe, the Eagles, Oscar Peterson, pre-1965 Miles Davis, and, oddly enough, blues singer, Buddy Guy.
“Also,” added Raminoodlesswoireeupthadowntha, “Having been a sufferer for over a decade, I find great therapeutic value in reading the novels of Hermann Hesse after slamming back massive quantities of Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull.”
