A few stories from our nation's Emergency Rooms
to prove that fact is stranger than fiction.
A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide.
The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka.
When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that
they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to
make the nitroglycerin explode.
A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken
rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could
reattach the man's genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in
good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house and the
search was on. During the search, one of the officers heard a choking
sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner.
After a brief fight, the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels
from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist
it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while
sitting. The officer was given a commendation from his precinct
for medical assistance.
A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER
parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth.
Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!"
At this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be
restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!).
Instead, he was saying, "Whore! Whore! Whore!"
An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty!"
The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came
in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.
A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the
exam and questioning, the female denied being sexually active. The
doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive.
The doctor went back to the young female's room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive.
Are you sure you're not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"
A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed
to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation
attempts, the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the
lady's 78-year-old daughter that her mother didn't make it.
"Didn't make it? Where could they be?
She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next
to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that
he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his
friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was
anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS.
The boy thought for a while then said questioningly,
"I've been screwing the dog?"
A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she
and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she
wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. "Then I went to the
bathroom and 'gagged' myself to vomit, but couldn't vomit it up either."
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