Can't Stop Laffing Hot off the presses.
---JUST IN CASE YOU FIND A TASER
> Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
> his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
> sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
> looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
> across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
> the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
> affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety....??
>
> WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
> home.
>
> I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
> Nothing!
>
> I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
> AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
> blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
> AWESOME!!!
>
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
> on the face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
> it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
> (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
> that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.
>
> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
> second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
> was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
> mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
> I wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
> glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
> hand, and taser in another.
>
> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
> your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
> and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
> purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
> water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
> batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
> about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really
> and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to
> myself, 'no possible way!'
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
> best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
> cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a
> one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
> that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of
> it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
.
> HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
> WHAT THE HELL!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
> up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
> over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
> fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
> on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
> my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
>
> The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
> to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt
> to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
> note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
> zap yourself!
>
> You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
> by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would
> be considered conservative?
>
> SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
>
> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
> that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
> surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
> the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so
> from where it originally was.
>
> My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
> felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
> 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself,
> but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I
> saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was came from my
hair.
> I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward
> for their safe return!!
>
> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
>
> 'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
