I can't wait till I'm old enough to pretend I can't hear.
Solar power is the future.
But it won't happen overnight.
Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me. I was like: “What the Hellman!”
When we were kids growing up ,we were so poor sometimes we had to eat coal….. it still brings a lump to my throat just thinking about it.
A copper just knocked on my door saying he was looking for a man with one eye. I told him to use both, he would find him quicker.
I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me $15.
Instead I gave my suit to the charity shop next door. They cleaned and pressed it, and put it in the window. I bought it for $4.50!
I was in a shop the other day, and there was an empty tester bottle of perfume with a sign saying “out of odor.
My yoga teacher has just got busted for fraud.
He’s doing a 4 year stretch.
When ordering a coffee say, "Coffee without cream please and if you don't have cream, I'll have it without milk".
After a night of drinking, drugs and wild sex, Bill woke up next to a very ugly woman….it was then, that he realized, he made it home safe….
