An Arkansas state trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.
He says to the driver, “Got any ID?”
The driver asks, “‘Bout what?”
An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, “Where were you on the night of October to April?”
I have a humidifier and a dehumidifier.
I like to start them up at the same time to see which one wins out.
Blonde ( to nuclear physicist ):
"I am interested in nuclear fission. What do you use for bait?"
What do you get when you cross an elephant
and a prostitute? A hooker who does it for peanuts and won't ever forget it.
Chief Running Elk was getting up in age
and when the prostate trouble started Mrs. Elk gave him a flashlight so he could find his way to the outhouse in the dark. She soon regretted it because she couldn't get any sleep; all night long Running Elk's check Injun light kept coming on.
I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined...
Wednesday is open Mike night!
Son: “I watched a guy do 50 push-ups in a row.
Can you do that, Dad?”
Dad: “Of course, son. Heck, I could probably watch someone do 100 push ups.”
A little girl was watching her daddy repair his 1966 Polara.
She asked her mother, "What happens to old cars when they finally stop working?"
Sighing, her mother answered: "Someone sells them to your father, dear."
I loaded 16 tons and what did I get?
The satisfaction of helping your mom onto the bus.
You really gotta feel for those convicts in New Hampshire stamping out license plates that say "Live Free or Die."
I was asked who my favorite "X-Men" was
I guess Caitlyn Jenner was a bad answer
I spent ages trying to spell Inconsequential
before I realized it's not that important.
Did you hear the one about the jump rope and the lollipop?
Skip it, it sucks.
I was born by Caesarian Section. The only way you'd be able to tell, is when I leave the house. I go out through the window.
My wife was dreaming about a Hobbit movie.
She was Tolkien in her sleep.
You’re offered $50,000, but if you accept it,
the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. Are you taking it?
Me: “Yes, why wouldn’t I want $150,000?”
