Chapter 1. Just Showing Off
(2010)
Don’t be a mirror kisser; it’s like climbing the ladder of success, and stepping back to admire your work.
Welcome to the party remarkable reader. (C’mon, you know you're remarkable. Geeze) In this chapter we locate the place where horizontal and vertical mesh with speed in a nice, smooth manner. Usually.
As we quantumnly begin, I should tell you that I was skiing. Again. It was a nice day, about 30 degrees, sunny. I was on a new run, all groomed under the lift, and I quickly discovered that one could get a good 40 to 60 feet of horizontal air time when going off the catwalk with three or four vertical feet between the bottom of the ski’s and the smooth, groomed snow. I was skiing under the chair lift… ergo, I was just showing off, when I happened to see a friend of mine, Jason and a friend, and I shouted to them “Hey ya’ll, watch this!”
What they saw was me going over the catwalk. It’s as fun as flying. Waiting. Waiting. Still waiting for the crowd to clear on the slope. Dang, it’s busy. Finally I figured I ainta wait'n no more, and decided I could weave through the unending crowd of fun-loving human skiing units. All of which seemed completely attuned to their experience.
Get ready to take a big deep breath adventurous reader. Ready? (Air suck) Go.
I picked up speed and like a puma intent on its prey, when, from my right, comes some portly fella who ZIGGED right in front of me, as I left the catwalk so I ZAGGED, and went over the catwalk cruising, at what must have been thirty-five miles an hour. Ninety percent of my weight was on my right leg as I became airborne. (It was definitely one of those OH F
ME! moments). I flew a good thirty feet, elevated at about three feet in the air. To my amazement (Just kidding) I landed well and was certain I could regain balance and steer away from the trees that were quickly drawing near. To do so I had to bring my left leg back to center, because it was trailing behind me. That's when it hit a snow clump which quickly tripped my ass and you will soon know the meaning of ‘tea cup over monkey’. Right now fast. My chin and chest were in the lead when I hit the snow. Snap. I came out of the skis faster than a virgin coming out of her dress on prom night when 'smack', I experienced a full frontal assault on almost all thirty-one senses known to humanity.
Thirty-one senses? Why yes, there actually are thirty-one senses. Let’s go over them, shall we? 1) I couldn’t see, 2) I heard the impact. 3) I felt the sensation. 4) There was the scent of the snow. 5) I slid downhill, face first, my mouth full of tasty snow.
I tightened up all of my muscles upon impact (Iron Shirt Kung Fu is real) as my heels came up and arched over my medulla oblongata; an experience which hereinafter will be described as heeliogonta syndrome. (We have invented a new word already) My more scientific readers already understand that the medulla oblongata is adjacent to the bullshit detector, the pussy meter, for men and lesbians and in close proximity to the reticular activator.
"The reticular activator?" You ask incredulously. "Whatever is that?" Oh, seeker of knowledge reader, It is the part of the brain which stays constantly on alert. Its job is to make you notice some things and ignore other things. Apparently, at the time, my reticular activator didn’t allow me to be aware of my 6th sense, Intuition. Or the 9th sense, cause maybe then you wouldn’t be enjoying this particular story, nor most all other ones as well. (There’s always more than one reason for everything and that’s why I listed 2. See? 100% true)
But now, back to my big, hard packed, and freshly groomed snowy smack. i landed with all of the grace of a board that got flipped end over end. My heels careened over the back of my head as I inverted and came skidding to a halt, (Tea cup over monkey) which was way better than smashing into trees. I did a quick systems check by wiggling my fingers and toes and immediately employed the 7th sense, humor, and laughed my way through the rest of the day.
The next day when attempting to get out of bed, I realized that I had gotten a fifty percent discount on a painfully displaced rib; no (gasp) extra (gasp) handling (gasp) charge. This is when I again (sigh) realized that I’m actually really good at the 8th sense, which is No Sense. And if you can stay with me, I promise to provide the curious reader proof of my No Sense throughout the following true stories.
The 9th sense, is Common Sense, which most will not see any shred of within the following pages.
The 10thsense, is Makes Sense, and much of what you read about, here, will not make any. Isn’t it ironic?
The 11th sense, is a Sense of Adventure. C’mon, who’s with me? Read on reading reader.
The 12th sense, is a Sense of Wonder and Awe and should be found readily throughout these stories.
The 13th sense, is a Sense of THAT, or IT. This sense is always expanding, as one cannot learn less and must, therefore, learn more. (welcome to the human earth life system)
The 14th sense, is a Sense of Reality. Ever expanding also but it can prove delicate and can sometimes be shattered.
The 15th sense, is a Sense of Determination. ”I WILL NOT FAIL” you will see this referenced again and again.
The 16th sense, is a Sense of Control. Like a leaf on the edge of a mighty river? Like a freak?
The 17th sense, is a Sense of Duty. There is valor there.
The 18th sense, is a Sense of Urgency. Like when you gotta go.
The 19th sense, is a Sense of Hope. Hope and fear, are beliefs in things unknown. We get to choose.
The 20th sense, is a Sense of Peace. Having a smile on your face and Have peace in your heart could always be your number one goal.
The 21st sense, is a Sense of Purpose. Everyone and everything has purpose.
The 22nd sense, is a Sense of Intelligence. There is an intelligence to all things.
The 23nd sense, is a Sense of Compassion. The ability to ‘feel’ the great and vast spectrum than of all creation? Practice Compassion
The 24th sense, is a Sense of Direction. "Go that Way" for those who are sure of themselves but herein these pages it is typically limited to up or down. ? This is not a book of careers.
The 25th sense, is a Sense of Responsibility. It is to be responsive.
The 26th sense, is a sense of Accomplishment, or completion. Certainly a feel good moment.
The 27th sense, sadly, is a Sense of Entitlement. (Those who feel this are hereby invited, to feel entitled, to bite me)
The 28th sense, is a Sense of Community. A sense of 'common unity', if you will.
The 29th sense, is a sense of Futility or Inadequacy, and is directly proportional to the 30th sense.
The 30th sense, is a Sense of Worth. Inherent, primarily, in one’s belief systems. (Study deeply)
The 31st sense, is a Sense of Self which embodies all of the other 30 senses. Having a sense of self is the same as having a sense of THAT, or IT. Now you know the thirty one senses.
Just my two cents.
Life Hack: If stung by a bee, cut a fresh onion and rub it on the sting. The pain will be gone immediately.
This should provide valuable assistance for those who suffer from Apiphobia (a fear of bees).
AI
