When my wife falls asleep in a public place,
I shake her and yell "DON'T DIE ON ME!" and then people always clap when she wakes up.
Well, I guess we are going to see
"The Nutcracker" on Saturday!
My mother-in-law, not the play.
I am concerned about the safety of my children most
when they start smart-mouthing and rolling their eyes.
Whenever you're having a bad day,
think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers
this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some cups.
They say two heads are better than one.
Until it's their baby.
If someone works with a bunch of a$$holes all day,
Can they add proctologist to their resume?
I think we see so many men with long beards
nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
