Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash,
I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
I grew up living Paycheck to Paycheck ......
NOW after a lot of very hard work and Perseverance ... I now live from Direct Deposit to Direct Deposit.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy."
- me in line, loudly, at amusement parks.
I should run for political office just to see
what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up.
It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face.
I love Sharpie markers.
Yeti has a beer coozie that will keep a beer cold for over an hour.
I don't think they understand how beer drinking works.
Go to O'Reilly Auto Parts website and type,
121G in the search bar.
You will thank me later.
I have my headphones on, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen
while I'm camping, I won't be covered.
Raise your hand if you would add your boss as a Facebook friend.
Now lower your hand and slap yourself in the face.
I really pity whoever is the last man on earth.
Most women agree they want nothing to do with that guy.
The height of conceit:
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
There are 2 reasons why you shouldn't drink toilet water.
Number 1
and
Number 2
