Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

Girlfriend: My dad worries I'll get pregnant.
Her dad: Hey bud you coming inside?
Me: [clearly panicking] What? No, I would never!

I'm no socialist but I do believe…
everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their McNuggets as they want.

I have been writing reviews for years.
But my wife's review of Alien puts everything I have ever written to shame.
"Alien is a movie where nobody listens to the smart woman, and then they all die except for the smart woman and her cat. Four stars."

Make it two if you count my great personality.
Three if we include my charm! Hahahahaha...oh um yes it's a table for one.

Son: What’s taking dad so long?
Me *pretending I’m looking for something in the trunk because I pulled the wrong lever*
Wife: He’s acting like he meant to open the trunk instead of the fuel door release.

Bartender: What'll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a TV miniseries, then a movie.