I was at Walmart yesterday and pulled into a checkout stand with no line waiting, but the cashier was looking away and didn't see me.
After about a minute of no attention, I said, "Ma'am, would you please check me out?"
She turned, looked me up and down, and said, "Nice hat."
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with a friend.
You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person has, you want that instead.
Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and......
it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
How do people with Parkinsons introduce themselves?
They shake hands.
I accidentally overdosed last night with some powerful laxatives.
Then shit really hit the fan.
My cookbook has a recipe to make a ground beef substitute out of old books
But I don’t like to be one to mince my words
What do you call a 58 inch tall psychic?
A 4’10” teller.
My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3 meter wide frame for our wedding photo.
Well, I think she should look at the big picture.
It was a golden era when there was no internet
In those days, only your family and friends knew how stupid you are.
Jeff Bezos is getting divorced
He must have realised that marriage counted as a union
A fast food worker was stocking utensils when he ran out. He went back to the manager and asked if she could order more. "We don't need anything," said the manager.
"Okay, but...that's the last straw."
My parrot flew out of it's cage a few months ago and started fucking the dog...
I got some puppies going cheep if anyone's interested...
Farted on the bus today and four people turned around....
Felt like I was on The Voice.
It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...
According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.
A man goes to his doctor complaining “My tweets on Twitter aren’t popular!”
Then the doc said, “Sorry, I don’t follow you.”
Jeff Bezos has announced that he will start paying a living wage
Or as his lawyer called it,"alimony."
Scientists may have discovered a method to extract gold from human waste.
Im not sure myself, Ill have to see how this shit pans out.
Doctor: "All right, kid, how old are you?"
Boy: "Turning six next month!"
Doctor: "...and how very optimistic we are!"
Two n-words walk into a bar
They were nice and nonviolent
“Doc, my wife was just admitted to the hospital with violent butt spasms. Do you know where she is?”
Doctor: ICU baby, shaking that ass.
I have an irrational fear of empty spaces
Nothing scares me
What do you call it when a snowman loses his temper?
A meltdown.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I'm fine letting other people dot my i's, but crossing my t's?
That's where I draw the line.
My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian
They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, “no thanks, but maybe next time around.”
If a transvestite is causing trouble....
Is that considered shemanigans?
"The glass is half empty" says the pessimist.
"The glass is half full" says the optimist.
"While you dumb fucks were arguing, I drank your water" says the opportunist.
"That wasn't water" says the urologist.
What do you call a deity which suffers from erectile dysfunction?
Omni-impotent.
A clairvoyant woman had an older brother who was always angry and a younger brother who was blissful to the point of naïveté.
Thankfully, she was a happy medium between the two.
