I called the Shopping Network
the other day and they answered, "May we help you"?
I said, "No thanks, I'm just looking".
I married a blond woman and she goes to bed every night with a full glass of water and an empty glass, because some nights she is thirsty, and some nights she isn’t.
“LINES OF COKE”...
is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like “What are you doing in there?”
Ironically, it’s my humility...
that makes me so much better than everyone else.
TICKET AGENT: "Will this be round trip?"
FLAT EARTHER: "Here we go again!"
My appearance is best be described as…
"hopefully he has a good personality.”
You know you're too drunk to drive...
when you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air freshener.
I can only guess that people with dark-tinted car windows must
pick their noses much more aggressively than the rest of us...
She is so blonde that…
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
Strippers are required to report all money....
that has jizz on it....because it's gross income.
I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son
that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants,
but he's still making fun of me.
