Both my kids are liberal arts majors, and they seem overwhelmed at the lack of job prospects.
Oh the humanities!
3 weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair
I've heard nothing since.
I've invented a game where avocados appear randomly and you have to smash as many as possible within the time limit
I'm calling it Guac-a-Mole
I watched a program on National Geographic, where they showed a huge plant which had grown papers instead of leaves.
It was a document-tree.
Patches of land are the only thing I find upsetting
it takes a lot to offend me
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother approached the director angrily and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
Why is everyone who works at the keyboard factory so rich?
They put in a lot of shifts.
If you bought a DeLorean...
Would you drive it a lot, or just from time to time?
My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she had just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
The billiards tournament was due to be televised...
It started right on cue.
Why do feminists always have sex with the lights off?
Because they never like seeing a man having a good time.
Why did the thief steal the planner?
So he could participate in organized crime...
My friend said that he visited a brothel.
He said that it was the worst soup restaurant ever.
Bilbo was surprised to wake up one morning and find a supermarket had been built in his garden.
It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.
My construction company failed after a competitor started a viscous rumor that I build houses without a foundation
It was a baseless accusation
My wife said she would leave me if I kept pointing at inanimate objects...
I said “there’s the door”
In order to join our club, you must perform the dance
It's called 2 step verification
My New Years resolution is
to build a Velcro wall and I am sticking to it!
Shout out to America!
There's been no school shootings this year!
What do you get if you cross Islam with Capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit.
What do you call a female rapper?
38 Cent
I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?
Oh yeah, heroin
My wife and I were leaving for our night out. Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.'
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Why do aliens always target farms?
Because they have a tractor beam.
Last week I learned about confirmation bias.
Now I see it everywhere.
