Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.
She said "Fuck you".
I'm pretty excited for 2019.
Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t...
It’s my longest running joke of the year.
A crow asks a lady to donate to it's charity
'Whats your charity called?' , asks the lady.
' CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! ' , said the crow,
' It's four good caws'
When I see Donald Trump, I get the same thought
in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax...
Bush wasn’t that bad.
My girlfriend used Vaseline to give me a handjob
I came three times...
In the shower trying to wash the damned stuff off.
Turning on your lights and sirens
after losing a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
I just bought an expensive car,
only to find the reverse gear broken...
There’s no going back now...
My credit card company sent me a camouflaged bill...
It’s the hidden charges you have to watch out for...
