"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
Cashier in the grocery: “Would you like.....
the milk in a bag”?
Man: “No, just leave it in the carton”.
Airman Jones was assigned to....
the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
My doc told me I was getting a little chubby...
I’m surprised he noticed it through my jeans.
I just me Bruce Lee’s vegan brother Brocco Lee.
I think I’m getting fat...
But I’m not sure because I broke my scale...
I heard wired connection are faster
So I poured some coffee on my router...
Now it’s even slower... do I need another java update? Or maybe just McCafe antivirus installed?
My dick had a hard attack...
Which led to a stroke..
Three members of a golf club were arguing loudly while the fourth member of their group lay dead in a bunker. A club official was called to calm the row.
"What's the trouble here?" he asked.
"My partner has had a stroke, and these two bastards want to add it to my score."
I went to an animal shelter to get me a dog
to keep me company. But what I went to the women's shelter for the same thing, they called the cops.
A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The neighbor did it."
