A woman fell off a cruise ship today.
She was identified as Eileen Dover.
"I'm going out to scrape the car," my wife said
this morning. "Against what?" I replied.
You see, it's winter and the windshields get, and she's like, oh never mind.
There's really a quick way to tell if your house is haunted.
It isn't.
My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot.
But she took it back a week later. "This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained. "I haven't had a freeking chance yet!" replied the parrot.
Someone stole my Visa card.
Now it's everywhere I want to be.
Free puppies: part cocker spaniel, part horny neighbor's dog.
My friend died doing what he loved..............the next door neighbor lady.
Perfect housewarming gift: Fire.
It's not what you do.......it's what you get away with that matters.
Why don't pre-marital classes have a section on which way to hang the toilet paper?
I'm a non-conformist.........I just bought a giant bonsai tree.
Breaking news: Superman arrested and denied bail. They say he's a flight risk.
I try to stay in touch with reality.........but it won't return my calls.
When I was a child, I was kidnapped. My parents immediately jumped into action.......................they rented out my room.
Deaf people are lip-reading as we speak.
