My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me.
After 3 years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.
I lost Interest in that relationship.
How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen snort in 2015?
Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.
It’s nice to have a bit of company.
The first thing a man notices
about a woman is her eyes..
And when he makes sure they're not looking his way, he checks out her tits.
I like my job but my boss keeps paying me under the table.
I’m not sure why he has me crawl under there to hand me my pay check.
Ok, I admit it! I masturbate with soap...
That’s me coming clean.
Serve alcohol at a party and nobody bats an eye.
Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit.
If you ever feel useless in life, just remember
there are people on the BMW assembly lines that install turn signals..
Rest areas are weird....
The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.
A woman stopped me on the street and asked why I was wearing sunglasses. "I'm blind", I replied. "Oh, I see," she said.
I don't think there was a need for her to rub it in.
I for one..................but that's Roman numerals for you.
I was involved in sexual activity today, and I even got paid for it.
Does masturbating at work make me a prostitute then?
I've decided not to be pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
Reincarnation.................................it's making a comeback.
The three sizes of condoms: small, medium and liar.
Smartphones: the best thing to happen to taking a dump since toilet paper.
To cut a long story short..........................The End.
My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard. Personally I’m on the fence.
