My colleague can no longer attend next week’s
Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot.
A new restaurant has opened in my town, serving
the meat of exotic animals.
I just had the pelican.
It was delicious but the bill was enormous.
How can you tell the difference between an
Indian and African elephant?
One of them is an elephant.
When is a man most likely to think about a
candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a guy?
The blonde has the higher sperm count.
An attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night...
and brought it to a table of friends.
Call me crazy, but, I don't trust those drunks down at Guinness to be keeping track of the world's records.
I’ve never drank a juice box,
but I hear they pack a punch.
A blonde is in a car accident.
“I think I have a concussion,” she tells the paramedic.
The paramedic says, “OK, let’s check you out. How many fingers do I have up?”
The blonde replied, “OMG, my ass is paralyzed too?”
When I die, I want my friends to do two things:
1) Scatter my remains on my ex’s front lawn.
2) Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
My wife and daughter are leaving me because
of my obsession with horse racing...
"And they're off!"
A weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Wow in all my years I've never seen a weasel walk into my bar! What can I get you?"
"Pop" goes the weasel.
I've never been married.
But I've had a few near Mrs.
I often tell myself,
"You're lucky the cloning machine worked."
I never drink anything stronger than pop.
But Pop will drink anything.
Last week I bought a brand new boomerang,
even though I can't seem to get rid of the old one.
People who put some money away each week just aren't shopping hard enough.
I bought some fridge magnets. So far, I have 10 fridges.
A jellyfish walks into a hardware store and buys ten drills.
Supermarket: a place where you can spend a half-hour looking for instant coffee.
How can you spot people who can't count to twenty?
They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.
I bought some Haagen-Dazs ice cream, and as the cashier rang it up, I asked: "How do you pronounce that." She said slowly: "Five dollars and 29 cents."
How can you tell the native Denver driver?
Third car through the red light.
