Guy just asked me where a public phone was.
I told him 1987.
This dude is using a pay phone , I guess someone got kidnapped
What if I'm actually attractive and hot girls just think I'm out of their league?
Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn't wave back so now she's got a new album coming out tomorrow.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
My horoscope says I will meet the girl of my dreams today.
Not sure how the wife will take it, but I'm pretty damn excited.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly.
Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly.
All I'm saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader, you would have made me wash my hands first.
I'm at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don't have to touch the handle.
Feeling sad because my hamster died... Well he's not 'technically' dead yet, but I ran out of food so it's really just a matter of days.
I'm gonna guess the worst time to have a heart attack would be during a game of charades.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Alcohol is best served.
The only time me and a girl orgasmed at the same time, she didn't even know I was at the window.
Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade.
It's been a horrible morning so far.
My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
"Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!"
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I'll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF? I was looking right at her.
My standards are so high they just recorded a reggae song.
I won't play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right.
He's 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
They say "confidence" is the most attractive quality in a partner, but I'd have to say "not banging my friends" would be a very close 2nd.
If I had a dollar for everyone I work with who's dumber than me, I'd have $11 cause I work for a small company.
I wouldn't take a bullet for you but I'd definitely push someone in front of you to take it for you. Same thing.
I know a certain right hand that is going to be getting VERY lucky tonight...
I've been divorced so long I've almost forgotten how to clear a computer history.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Frogs always look like they just found out there's no free Wi-Fi.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day. I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I complain about my kids a lot but I'd be lost without them.
Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I would love my job so much more if I didn't have to hide my flask.
It's possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
You can tell a lot about a person by the type of car they drive.
For example, if they drive a Taxi, they're probably a cab driver.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands.
I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don't enjoy life.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
After the door bell rings, how long should you wait to turn the TV volume back up and make any kind of movement?
When I go out in public with my sister, people think she is my girlfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
"I love you" can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to "I got this round."
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I went on a date last night! It went really well...up until the couple realized I was following them & called the cops.
Pretty sure my baby thinks the number after 10 is yay.
Silence is golden!
Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
My ex's ex and my left hand are dating.
Not tryin to impress anyone BUT the priest did just say I had the "body of Christ" right before he fed me a cracker.
Gym has been paying off.
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I'm driving.
I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them.
Today I bought cupcakes without sprinkles.
Diets are hard.
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
The main reason I got divorced is because I got married.
"Here, throw this away for me."
~ People who hand out leaflets.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Might not kill him but he'll never have any friends.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I told myself that I wouldn't drink today, but nobody ever listens to me.
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution, bitches be trippin
When I say I'm as sober as a judge I mean Paula Abdul.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn't mine.
I want to have kids before my parents are too old to be able to take care of them.
5 out of 6 people enjoy playing Russian Roulette.
Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I want a girl who asks me to do things that I have to Google.
Just found out men don't need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
No one ever said life was easy, but several people said you were.
Was glancing through the Obituaries this morning and found it really creepy that all these people managed to die in alphabetical order.
If I ever go to prison, I'm gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
My daughter's favorite past-time is implementing psychological warfare on my son. I let it slide because one day he'll have a wife.
My girlfriend said we can't hang out this weekend because she doesn't exist.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn't involve me.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Mama said there'd be days like this, and also "knock you out" ??? I don't know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
