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Friday, 02/02/2018 11:58:47 AM

Friday, February 02, 2018 11:58:47 AM

Post# of 32150
My wife was complaining to me
"You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back".
Me: "what do you expect, you're in a wheelchair.

Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight....
I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT'S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

People complain about auto-correct
but it is helpful 99% of the titties.

I'm good friends with 25 letters
of the alphabet... I font know why.

Don't get me wrong, im all for the women's movement....
I hate it when they just lie there.

There's a company called Kia and there's
a company called Nokia... I don't know who to believe

I've decided to make my own beer.
I'll call it Responsibly, that way competitors will do all my advertising. Please drink Responsibly!

Whenever I meet a new girl,
I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand.
I don't want her to meet her competition right away.

If you can't tell the difference between delivery and DiGiorno there's a good chance you've been fooled by a tranny once or twice too.

Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst."
Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

I've just released my own fragrance.
No one on the bus seems to like it though.

So wait, if I post a letter without a stamp and just put the intended address as the return address, won't it be sent there anyway?

'Pizza Hut, can I take your order?'
Me: 'May I speak with the owl, please?
''Who?'
Me: 'Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.'

”I put the 'sass' in sasquatch.”
-Gay Bigfoot

I'm not saying I need a pube trimmer, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinnochio has joined the Taliban.

This girl texted me, "Your adorable."
I texted back, "No YOU'RE adorable."
Now she likes me when all I was doing was pointing out her typo.

I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car.

Is "blowjob" one word or two words?
Man I hate writing thank you cards.

Anybody know how long you're supposed to boil condoms
before reusing them?

How women clean a toilet: Gloves, comet, scrub brush, bucket.
How men clean the toilet: Piss as hard as you can at the shit stains.

Lesbian alternatives to the phrase 'Cockblock':
1) Vagected,
2) Clam jam
3) Clitorference,
4) Taco blocko



















































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