Does anyone know what the
Cambridge University Netball Team abbreviate their name to?
What do prison and the shift key have in common?
They both turn your "o" into an "O"
My gambling addiction cost me my marriage...
or as I like to think of it, won me a divorce.
My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men.
So I told her to sit down and shut up.
Guess what...
She couldn't do either!
I answered the door this morning.
A 6 ft beetle punched me in the face & called me a fat twat.
Apparently there's a nasty bug going round!
My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried?
Apparently "balls deep in your sister" wasn't the answer she was expecting.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Here’s a bit of advice for you...
Advi
When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia,
it was like music to my arse.
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up
it’s a dartboard on the ceiling!
If you’re a hostage and the gunman says
“Who shall I shoot first?”
Saying, “It’s WHOM shall I shoot first?”
Is not the best answer.
Of course you're not fat!!
Just grab a couple of chairs and come sit with us.
Therapist: So why do you want to end your marriage?
Wife: I hate the constant star wars puns.
Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.
A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her
a bottle of tonic water.
Schwepped her off her feet.
This documentary about beavers
is the best dam thing I've ever watched!
I can't find my "Gone in 60 Seconds" DVD.
It was here a minute ago.
Without a doubt,
my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.
I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said "Can u describe the symptoms?"
I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"
News just in!
Someone has been killed with a starter pistol.
Police think it might be race related.
I'm in a band called Dyslexia...
We've just released our greatest shit album!
My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down
recently because people keep remarking on her size.
So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.
Tomorrow I’m going to open up the time capsule
I made when I was a kid.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy is now!
