"This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after."
-Inventor of the jersey
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I'm not wearing pants.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can't part with them.
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands is fine.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: 'Enter Juliet from the rear'.
Woke up screaming this morning.
My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird's tail for quitting time.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you've done something creative.
Me: When I listed my 'experience' on the application form.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
"I'll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja."
There's no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and an orange apron.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
When coming out of any coma, try keeping your eyes shut for another day or two to see what everyone's saying about you.
The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, inadvertently alerting the Confederates to our presence.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you're basically saying,
"Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please?"
"Let's walk barefoot on grass!"
-People who have never walked a dog
Can’t believe how dangerous the streets are becoming. Just this afternoon I stole an old ladys handbag and punched someone at a bus stop.
If you're ever on death row, request Denny's for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order.
"Cu Later!" - a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
He died doing what he loved,
my now ex-wife.
Sir? The table of hot ladies over there wanted to know what song you were drumming on the bar. They said it seemed very fast and impressive.
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.
Good call inventor of glass tables. There's nothing more appetizing than realizing Aunt Mildred doesn't wear panties while I'm trying to eat.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
One time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries.
"Chill before serving" is the best advice I can think of if you're an angry waitress.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today."
Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!"
[whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
It's cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Keeping tic-tacs in your pocket lets people know you're more embarrassed of your breath than you are of sounding like a human maraca.
I don't know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I turned to her and said "We're all just seeking validation, aren't we?" She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She's had a headache for the past 15 years.
*Preacher can't start lawn mower.*
Kid: You gotta cuss to start the mower.
Preacher: Surely I don’t remember how to cuss.
Kid: Keep pullin’ that rope and it’ll come back to you.
Hamburger Helper only works
if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
My short-term memory is terrible,
but it's not nearly as bad as my short-term memory.
I can tell a lot about a person
unless he pays me.
Zeppelins must've been so bummed
when people started calling them blimps.
quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime at Walmart.
Unicorns are real,
they are just fat and we call them rhinos.
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you'd almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
One of my "100 things to do before you die" would definitely be "call an ambulance".
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I'm pretty sure it's only because I'm his Oreo dealer.
That fart voided the warranty on our couch.
The chief qualification for working at an airline is making a confused face at a monitor.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I'm only going to have a small slice.
And then one day you realize you're older and fatter than old fat Elvis.
Never buy a used dream catcher from the flea market near a mental hospital.
He died doing what she loved: telling someone the difference between your and you're.
AI
