WANTED: Someone to have my babies and carry on my family name. No strings attached. You can even keep the kids.
If you're hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the Benny Hill theme.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me.
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
Nice try Jehovah's witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn't going to get me to come to the door.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn't know you did that for fun.
My mother has now been sending me a Valentine's card for 28 years. She's persistent but I'm not interested.
Have I been drinking?
Clearly officer, you're no detective.
Guy asked me today if I've ever owned a dog. I was like lmao yeah I own dogs all the time they can't even say shit back.
People ask me the secret of a good post. It's called "proof-reading". Perhaps you've hard of it.
Maybe I'm not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule.
Me: - Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty?
Wife: - Because you're a pessimist, honey!
Autocorrect changed 'get a life' to 'get a wife' and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Just ONCE, I'd like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I keep my monocle freshly waxed so it easily slips out of my eye socket and falls into my cup of tea whenever I'm shocked by your behavior.
We have a saying in Germany. It is better to have loved and lost than to engage in a land war with Russia in the winter.
You can tell a lot about a person by their autopsy.
Wish someone would invent a device that would allow me to speak instead of having to text back and forth 30 times to get my point across.
My wife hates it when I say "You are just like your mother!"
Actually, she hates it when I say anything during sex.
I can't stand people who are indirect.
You know who you are.
Don't be sad, laundry.
Nobody's doing me either.
"I'd hit that."
- women drivers
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there's always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row.
I'm starting to think she really doesn't like lunch.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I'd probably pick living.
Wu-Tang is my favorite 15 person rap group and reaction to a beverage.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
"Baby, I just want everything to be like it was at the beginning."
"You mean like when we first met?"
"No, before that."
A missing 3-year-old was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police finally settled on the turtle doll.
The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is coming early.
Like father, like son.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
It's because it's Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That's why. What Papa is doing right now is called an "autopsy". Stop crying.
"He looks just like his grandfather" is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama, it's more of an accusation,
My therapist thinks meeting women online for sex is a bad idea.
His wife disagrees.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don't show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
Sorry, "hella" was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I'll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me.
Irish step dancing was discovered by women waiting in line to use the restroom.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Before encouraging everyone to "do whatever makes you happy," ask if anyone is a sadist.
I've discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I'm drinking with my new girlfriend and her gay friend from work. So there's 100% chance I'am getting laid and a 50% chance I'll like it.
"Look Ma, no hands!"
-former Muslim shoplifter
Autocorrect changed "meeting" to "mating" and now my boss and I aren't meeting with Bob after work.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they'd lose the alarm and just announce that there's free food by the stairs.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down.
Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
WTF, neighbor? I waved to you last week.
Dance like you're not the father.
Welcome to Alzheimer's Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
Just bought a medical alert bracelet that says "probably just shitfaced."
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn't for you.
You can buy wedding cake even if there's no wedding, those suckers don't even check.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she's homeless.
My bank account has 7 figures, but 5 of them are to the right of the decimal point.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don't do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funerals.
Hey, I'm human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
