Trying to make a list of things that are worse than Mondays and all I've got so far is Hitler and Christian Rock.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Instead of "Who's your daddy?" I accidentally said "How's your daddy?" and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father's cholesterol.
I ditched my girlfriend.
For lying.
Under my best friend.
I've stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
"I'm a feminist," he said wanttogetintoyourpantsingly.
I'm incredibly flattered that my therapist thinks I should be in anger management.
I've never even held an entry-level position.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn't accept Jesus.
Went by the house where I grew up.
Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face.
My parents can be so rude.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you'll get your little girl back.
Call in the next five minutes and I'll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Going to get a facial today... this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Sorry I yelled "chug it" to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I imagine colonoscopies are accompanied by the theme music from the underground level of Super Mario Bros.
[job interview]
“Any public speaking experience?”
"Not since the Valedictorian speech in high school."
“Very impressive”
"I yelled 'YOU SUCK!'"
"Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?"
"Yeah, sorry, that's a typo.”
"Your résumé says you've been to prison?
"Sorry, that's a mistake."
"So you haven't?"
"I have, I just didn't mean to put it on there.”
"Tell me about a time you defied authority to achieve a goal.”
“No."
I just Tokyo drifted my shopping cart into the checkout line and now all the moms in this grocery store want to have an affair with me.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid because all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
A Wedding Toast:
People say "life's a journey, not a destination," because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
The scariest thing about the Cold War was the threat of getting stuck inside a bunker with your spouse.
Why bother drinking water? You're just gonna pee it out.
This is what Big Water doesn't want you to know.
Water is so good when it's mixed with barley, hops, and yeast.
Not rewinding VHS movies after watching the nude scenes was the original not clearing your browser history.
I've gotten away with blaming the dog for my farts dozens of times so I hope my wife believes me when I tell her that he just shit my pants.
It's all fun and games till someone loses an eye; unless you're Stevie Wonder, then it's just ironic.
Momspanties is either “lying in a puddle of blood” or “laying in a puddle of blood?” Lol who knows, but yeah seriously, send an ambulance right away.
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
"Ohhhh!! I didn't hear the 'lasting more than four hours' part. I'm sorry I called you at home, doctor."
You don't realize just how eco-friendly clowns are until you think about how much they carpool.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.
"Eat right and exercise?!?...
I dunno...seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
My stomach just made a really weird noise.
I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
If I say, "Don't worry, I'm on it," there's a 98% chance I'm referring to my couch.
I'm lazy, but not 'The guy who named blackbirds' lazy.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’.
I hate waiting in line. I wish this guy would hurry up and pick a suspect.
Hey Billy Joel it's called a pianist.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me sir without adding, "You're making a scene”.
Airline just told my girlfriend she has too much baggage & they've only known her a couple of minutes.
You should never lie through your teeth.
Open your mouth and speak properly.
I've been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I'm about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the "bananus”.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won't send MY dog to obedience school.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough...
But it's even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
"Do people really become like their pets?" I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
It's that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I was banned from guitar class because of an inappropriate reaction to "let's practice your fingering technique”.
Those who say there is no such thing as a stupid question have obviously never worked in tech support.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend.
I doubt I'll ever get an opportunity like that again.
This bum said everyone who gives him $10 gets a "special" surprise in the alley.
My gut says no......but my heart says its a puppy!
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom
