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Lawyer Waiting In Line
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In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "Im a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
Letter of Apology
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When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a "dirty son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.
First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.
To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.
Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.
Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't they? And the water is cold!!
Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.
Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.
To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.
Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.
Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darnest to come to the picnic......
Points to Ponder
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Points to Ponder
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
- Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
- Does fuzzy logic tickle?
- If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
- I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
- How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
- How much faith does it take to be an atheist?
- I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
- If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is fog horn made out of?
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
- If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
- Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
- I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
- What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
Did you Hear?
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Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam!"
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What is a zebra?
25 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep/the one that can run the fastest.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Amazon Explorer
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An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."
Empire State Building Fall
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Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so
intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."
"No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
Actual Answering Machine Messages
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Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers...
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My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
~~~~~
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
~~~~~
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
~~~~~
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
~~~~~
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
~~~~~
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
~~~~~
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
~~~~~
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
~~~~~
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
~~~~~
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
~~~~~
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.
~~~~~
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
~~~~~
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
~~~~~
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.
Sleeping in Church
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One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea", said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In the church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed."Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!"
Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice.
As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that dammned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the congregation.
Jack Squat?
ha ha ha.
Highly doubtful that anyone who has been supportive of the current management enough to buy a large portion of the stock is going to want to remove them anytime soon. Unfortunate, but we will likely have to rely up delegation to more qualified individuals and consultants instead.
Highly doubtful that anyone who has been supportive of the current management enough to buy a large portion of the stock is going to want to remove them anytime soon. Unfortunate, but we will likely have to rely up delegation to more qualified individuals and consultants instead.
that's quite a story. You got me topped.
I hate that too. Also when they bring out an OLD name for a new car. ie NOVA and LeMans
and the new car is a piece of crap.
thanks for your support, and sorry to hear about your misfortunes too. I'm done crying about it now.
Mean Horoscope
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Mean Horoscope
Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.
Pieces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
Aries (Mar 23 - Apr 22) You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
Taurus (Apr 23 - May 22) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamed communist.
Gemini (May 23 - June 22) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 23 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a crap. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and annot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while doing it. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of crap.
Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickencrap. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
Don't Do Drugs
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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
__
/ \
\__/
O
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to
the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
O
__
/ \
\__/
"I said, (pointing to the small circle) this is your asshole before prison......"
Parenthood: Changes with Each Baby
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Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:
Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.
Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color- coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Things to Ponder
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THINGS TO PONDER.......
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Crowd Control
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An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with an angry passenger. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F--- you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The crowd applauded - and the errors of United were forgotten in a moment of almost universal bliss.
Famous Sexual Quotes
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Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
-- Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Robert DE Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
-- Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-- Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams
Here's a rant.
I hate it when you take your kid to burger king and when you come out some a-hole has ran into your new car and crunched the front quarter panel and passenger door. They hit and ran my car and nobody even seen it happen.
On a very sad and pissed off note, someone ran into my car today in the burgerking parking lot and crunched the front fender and passenger door. No note, no witnesses. Screw me.
Not a very good day at all.
Is there anyone lurking here who has played the australian game 'trackside'. Please message me or post here if you have seen or played it.
I'm going out on the town late tonight and will stop by the casino and try to make a few dollars to cover my stock market loses for the week, ha ha ha.
Kiffin stays put, signs new contract
NFL.com wire reports
TAMPA, Fla. (Jan. 30, 2003) -- The Super Bowl champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers demonstrated their commitment to keep Monte Kiffin from moving to the San Francisco 49ers or anywhere else, signing their defensive coordinator to a new three-year contract.
Terms were not disclosed, but Kiffin already was among the NFL's highest-paid defensive coordinators at close to $1 million per year.
The deal comes two days after the 49ers received permission to talk to Kiffin about their head-coaching vacancy, and four days after the Bucs' capped the best season in franchise history by beating the Oakland Raiders 48-21 in the NFL title game.
"We are committed to winning another championship, and Monte has been a huge part of our success," Bucs owner Malcolm Glazer said. "Our defense has ranked among the best in the NFL for several years under his direction and we look forward to continuing that tradition."
The Bucs ranked first in total defense, allowing 252.8 yards per game, and became the first team since the 1985 Chicago Bears to lead the league in total defense, fewest points allowed and interceptions.
In the Super Bowl, Tampa Bay intercepted NFL MVP Rich Gannon five times and returned three of them for touchdowns.
The 62-year-old Kiffin thanked the 49ers for their interest, but said his situation in Tampa was too good to leave.
"The reason I had the opportunity to even be considered for a head coaching position is because of Jon Gruden and the four defensive assistants, along with 25 defensive players that are totally committed to being the best," Kiffin said.
"Defensively, this was our best year and we capped it off with our success against the Raiders. ... We feel like we can continue to get better next year and hope to bring another championship back to the city of Tampa."
Kiffin's defenses have ranked in the top 10 for six consecutive seasons. During that span, the Bucs have allowed a league-low 1,538 points, including only 196 this season, the fifth-fewest in NFL history during a 16-game schedule.
"It is great news to hear that coach Kiffin is staying," NFL defensive player of the year Derrick Brooks said in Honolulu, where he is preparing for the Pro Bowl. "It is important to keep the coaching staff together and have that continuity."
Miami's Surtain out, Madison in at Pro Bowl
MIAMI (Jan. 30, 2003) -- Miami Dolphins cornerback Patrick Surtain dropped out of the Pro Bowl because of a knee injury and was replaced by teammate Sam Madison.
The undisclosed injury gives Madison a fourth consecutive trip to the Pro Bowl. Madison had 31 tackles and three interceptions last season, a year in which he criticized himself for not playing to his standards.
Surtain, making his first Pro Bowl, had been a starter for the game. Instead, Houston's Aaron Glenn and New England's Ty Law will start for the AFC squad. Madison will be the lone reserve at cornerback.
Madison's addition to the AFC squad gives the Dolphins seven players in the Pro Bowl, including defensive tackle Tim Bowens, safety Brock Marion, linebacker Zach Thomas and running back Ricky Williams.
Copyright 2003
'Frustrated' Vanderjagt apologizes
NFL.com wire reports
INDIANAPOLIS (Jan. 30, 2003) -- Colts kicker Mike Vanderjagt apologized to coach Tony Dungy, quarterback Peyton Manning and the rest of his teammates for criticisms he said came from his frustration with losing.
In a Canadian cable TV interview earlier this week, Vanderjagt said Manning should show more emotion, Dungy is too nice to be effective and many other Colts players lack a passion for the game.
"Basically, I spoke before I thought," Vanderjagt said in a statement sent to the media by his agent, Gil Scott. "I am extremely frustrated by losing and expressed it in the wrong manner and in the wrong forum."
In the interview with The Score, a Toronto-based cable sports network, Vanderjagt said, "I'm not a real big Colts fan right now, unfortunately. I just don't see us getting better.
"Coach Dungy, he's just a mild-mannered guy. He doesn't get too excited, he doesn't get too down and I don't think that works either. ... I think you need a motivator, I think you need a guy that is going to get in somebody's face when they're not performing well enough," the Canadian-born kicker said in the TV interview.
The Colts were 10-6 last season but lost 41-0 to the New York Jets in the first round of playoffs.
Scott said that Vanderjagt has spoken with Dungy and with Colts president Bill Polian since the interview and is trying to contact Manning, who is in Hawaii for the Pro Bowl.
In the statement, Vanderjagt said, "Obviously this issue has taken a turn for the worse. My intentions were not negative ones. My thoughts and feelings were based on positive emotion and were not meant to put down Peyton, Tony or any individual in the Colts organization.
"I apologize to Peyton, Tony, the Colts organization and the people of Indianapolis. I may be 'just a kicker,' but I have tremendous passion for winning. I would love nothing more than to put this issue to rest and move forward as an organization and as a member of the Colts team in an attempt to win a championship."
Vanderjagt, the most accurate field goal kicker in NFL history, has scored at least 100 points during a club-record five consecutive seasons. He signed a five-year contract extension with the Colts in November 2000.
In an interview with Sporting News Radio, Dungy said Vanderjagt should have come to him with his complaints instead of airing his criticism on television.
"Unfortunately, it wasn't, so now we have to deal with the other ramifications, but the big thing is to just get to the heart of how Mike feels, and if he feels that way, and feels like he can't kick with his whole heart because we aren't doing things the way he wants them done, then he should be somewhere else, and we'll try and get that done."
Childress eliminated from 49ers' list
NFL.com wire reports
SANTA CLARA, Calif. (Jan. 31, 2003) -- Philadelphia Eagles offensive coordinator Brad Childress was eliminated as a candidate for the San Francisco 49ers' head coaching vacancy.
Childress was among four coaches who have interviewed for the job, but the team plans to look "in a different direction," according to a statement from general manager Terry Donahue.
That direction appears to be defense.
The three remaining candidates who have been interviewed are San Francisco defensive coordinator Jim Mora, New England defensive coordinator Romeo Crennel and New York Jets defensive coordinator Ted Cottrell.
Donahue also is expected to interview at least one candidate from the college ranks.
Tampa Bay defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin signed a three-year contract extension with the Buccaneers, backing out of an interview for the San Francisco job. Donahue also talked to Philadelphia defensive coordinator Jim Johnson, who signed a new deal with the Eagles.
No timetable has been set for replacing Steve Mariucci, who was fired Jan. 15.
More than an all-star game
On Feb. 2, the NFL's best and brightest will have one more day in the sun. But the Pro Bowl isn't all about beaches and football. There's an entire week of events, including the NFL Experience. NFL Charities annually contributes to non-profit organizations in Hawaii, and many of the all-stars choose to participate in outreach programs. "Community service has always been an integral part of the Pro Bowl," NFL director of community affairs Beth Colleton said.
you mean lap dance, ha ha ha
momentum traders pick XMSR @ 4.25 today
updated info from the website:
Capitalization:
Issued: 57,621,209 Shares (January 15, 2003)
Est. Float: 2,500,000 Shares
I think that is quite untrue that the float is 2.5 million shares when the outstanding has grown by 20 million in the past 2 years.
Please stop talking about making money, it is making the rest of us jealous.
of those last 3 only CDED was a paid pump, the others I believe are momo players who tout for free.
01-31 CDED MomentumTraders.Net $0.051
01-31 SNIC MomentumTraders.Net $4.24
01-31 RDRT Stock Profit Picks $0.31
01-31 VRA Stock Profit Picks $0.13
check out this site for some hilarious stuff:
http://thesmokinggun.com/
congrats on the wag's you guys, too bad they weren't much higher, ha ha ha.