Gas prices drop





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STUFF WE'VE LEARNED

Everything I Need to Know
I Learned in Corporate America

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough

7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody

17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends

21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious

22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.

25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing

27. Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.

28. No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck

29. Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing

30. Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.

Ken walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 o'clock news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.

A blonde looked at Ken and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Ken said, "You know, I bet he'll jump"

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Ken placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Ken, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Ken replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5:00 o'clock news and knew he'd jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Ken took the money.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron".
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

That's pretty good.

I would have bet on and was rooting for the Norton icon.

New state quarters



















Image hosting by: http://imageshack.us

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them.


Naturally, the guys all agreed

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf and consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots"

With that, the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.


The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it and I have faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a nine iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. She was closest to the pin.

The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt," before tapping in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away, smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole. When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year-old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."



The old gray haired grandfather walked up to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"



Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and skill every time.






This was borrowed / stolen? from BrianInPa at SI
http://207.90.219.91/readmsg.aspx?msgid=22773114

You might be an engineer:

If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"

If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner

If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

If you ever wanted an 8X CDROM for Christmas

If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail

If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50

If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place

If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys

If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car

If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts

If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string

If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies

If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area

If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run

If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment

If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is

If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven

If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside

If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception

If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor

If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts

If you have never backed-up your hard drive

If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance

If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"

If you see a good design and still have to change it

If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions

If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it

If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind

If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires

If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal

If you have more toys than your kids

If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight

If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it

If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary

If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for

If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal

If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use

If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting

If you did the sound system for your senior prom

If your checkbook always balances

If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone

If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life

If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers

If you spend more on your home computer than your car

If you know what http:/ stands for

If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio

If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory

If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate







PS: You have probably heard of "Murphy's Laws"........
My former boss, "the Director of Corporate Engineering" once exclaimed to me, "Murphy was a @%$#*^# optomist!"

The corporate actions involve three (3) proposals (collectively, the “Proposals”) providing for the following:

1. To approve the adoption of the GWIN, Inc. 2006 Stock Incentive Plan;

2. To approve an amendment to the Company’s Certificate of Incorporation (as amended) to increase the authorized shares of the Company’s common stock from One Hundred Fifty Million (150,000,000) to Seven Hundred Fifty Million (750,000,000) shares; and

3. To approve an amendment to the Company’s Certificate of Incorporation (as amended) to change the name of the Company from GWIN, Inc. to Winning Edge International, Inc.



http://www.sec.gov/Archives/edgar/data/924396/000114420406035528/v051210def14c.htm


This Information Statement is first being provided to the Shareholders on or about August 24, 2006.
THIS ACTION IS EXPECTED TO BE TAKEN NOT LESS THAN TWENTY (20) DAYS FROM THE MAILING OF THIS INFORMATION STATEMENT, BUT AS SOON THEREAFTER AS PRACTICABLE.

Road signs...huh??

Good one.

LIZARD BIRTHING

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there
was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds
prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick,"
he told me. "I'm serious; dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed
him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying
on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"





I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them
to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her,
(in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.







"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a
litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
(I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot
when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared.
I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.






"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does
to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at
the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron,
may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...... Ernie is a boy.
You see, Ernie is a young male... And occasionally, as they come
into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....pleasure
themselves just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed,
glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."





We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.

Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle.
And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing
that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront
to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just ...
that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..."
she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly
bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad
everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.







"Oh, you have NO idea," Closed mouth, my wife agreed,
collapsing with laughter.

SUMMARY

a. 2 - Lizards - $140...
b. 1 - Cage - $50...
c. Trip to the Vet - $30...
d. Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie - Priceless!

Moral of the story-finish biology class-lizards lay eggs!

Grave Service
=========

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
graveside service in a new cemetery for a derelict man (with no
family or friends) who had died while traveling through the
area.

The cemetery was way back in the country. This man would be the
first to be laid to rest at this new cemetery.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost.

Being the typical man I didn't stop for directions. And when I
finally arrived an hour late, I saw a crew and a backhoe, but
the hearse was nowhere in sight.

The workmen were eating lunch. I apologized for my tardiness,
but the workers just looked puzzled. I stepped to the side of
the open grave, to find the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them long, but this was
the proper thing to do.

As the workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I
poured out my heart and soul.

As I preached, the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the
Lord" and "Glory," (they must have all been Baptist).

I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before. I
began from Genesis and worked all the way through to Revelation.
I preached for 45 minutes.

It was a long service. Finally, I closed in prayer and it was
finished.

As I was walking to my car, I felt that I had done my duty and I
would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in
spite of my tardiness.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard
one of the workers saying to another...

"Ya know, I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, but I
ain't never seen anything like that before."



http://www.mountainwings.com/past/6242.htm




Prepare to Fly - Let MountainWings.com help lift YOU over the Mountains of Life

http://www.mountainwings.com/

What a Woman Says, and a Man Hears...



What a woman says:
"This place is a mess!
C'mon, you and I need to clean,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
"blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW"

Pluto,



http://www.cagle.com/news/Pluto/images/stahler.gif





And my thoughts exactly:



http://www.cagle.com/working/060825/plante.gif

Three wonderful words:





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Golf's Famous Quotes

Jack Benny: "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf... and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf."

Lee Trevino: "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work."

Hank Aaron: "It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."

Lee Trevino: "I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced."

Sam Snead: "These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow."

Paul Harvey: "Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five."

Tommy Bolt: "Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet."

Jimmy Demaret: "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at."

Jack Lemmon: "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball"

Unknown: "Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour."

John Updike: "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five."

"Silk Stockings" TV Show: "The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music."

P.G. Wodehouse: "The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows."

Ken Harrelson: "In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base."

Chi Chi Rodriguez: "The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life."

Chi Chi Rodriguez: "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."

Tommy Bolt, toward the end of one of his infamous high-volume, temperamental, club-throwing rounds, asked his caddie for a club recommendation for a shot of about 155 yards. His caddie said: "I'd say either a 3-iron or a wedge, sir."
"A 3- iron or a wedge?" asked Bolt. "What kind of stupid, #*!~%^* choice is that?"
"Those are the only two clubs you have left in the your bag, sir." said the caddie.

Really bad puns:

1. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

2. A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

3. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

4. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal shaman who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the shaman looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

5. Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the _expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the squaws of the other two hides.

10. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it "the herd shot 'round the world."

11. A Murder in Everett, WA (hot off the press): An unidentified man was found dead in a motel room this morning. His body was found face down in a bath tub filled with milk and corn flakes. He also had a very large banana shoved up his butt. Authorities suspect that this might be the work of a cereal killer.

GWIN Files Patent Infringement Case Against Six Defendants in U.S. District Court
Wednesday August 23, 9:30 am ET

LAS VEGAS--(BUSINESS WIRE)--Aug. 23, 2006--GWIN Inc. (OTCBB: GWNI - News) announced today the filing of a patent infringement case against six separate parties alleging unauthorized use or infringement of GWIN's patented methods and products.

Jeff Johnson, CFO of GWIN, commented, "As the company has previously announced, we intend to pursue each and every defendant for damages and royalties that infringe on our Internet-based, user interactive prediction and handicapping services patent. We own these patent rights and intend to collect our rightful compensation for their use by others."

GWIN COO Douglas Miller added, "We believe that GWIN provides the best handicapping advice in the business, but we do not intend to let our competitors use our patented systems without paying for that right."

About GWIN Inc. -- GWIN Inc. is America's only publicly traded sports handicapping company. GWIN specializes in developing and marketing sports handicapping advice and information via television (The Winning EDGE(TM)), radio and the Internet (www.WinningEDGE.com) and (www.ewinners.com). The company produces high-quality sports and gaming entertainment programming and sells advertising and sponsorship opportunities on their TV and radio properties, as well as marketing opportunities to an exclusive database of more than one million predominately male sports and gaming fans.

All statements included in this press release, other than statements of historical fact, are forward-looking statements. Although Management believes that the expectations reflected in these forward-looking statements are reasonable, it can give no assurance that such expectations will prove to have been correct. Important factors could cause actual results to differ materially from the expectations that are disclosed in this Press Release. While GWIN Inc. believes its forecasting assumptions are reasonable, there are factors that are hard to predict and influenced by economic and other conditions that are beyond GWIN Inc.'s control. Among the other important factors which could cause actual results to differ materially from those in the forward-looking statements are detailed in GWIN Inc.'s filings with the Securities and Exchange Commission.


Contact:

Princeton Research
Mike King, 702-650-3000
mike@princetonresearch.com
or
GWIN Inc.
Jeff Johnson, 702-967-6000
www.WinningEDGE.com








http://biz.yahoo.com/bw/060823/20060823005118.html?.v=1

Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women:

1) Airplanes usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time.

2) Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

3) Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

4) Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.

5) Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

6) Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

7) Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

8) Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

9) Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.

10) Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

11) Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

12) Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

13) Airplanes expect to be tied down.

14) Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

15) Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

16) However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.









My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

And I always thought a catamaran would be expensive.
I wonder if any alcohol was involved in the design and deployment.

LET 'EM EAT CAKE

Don and Amy are at home and Don is watching a football game.

Amy walks into the room and asks Don to fix the kitchen light that had been flickering for weeks.

Don replies, "Fix the light? Do I have GENERAL ELECTRIC written on my forehead? I don't think so."

So Amy tries again and asks that Don fix the fridge door as it isn't closing right.

Don replies," Fix the fridge door? Do I have WESTINGHOUSE written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"OK," says Amy. "Could you at least fix the front steps? Someone's going to trip."

Don screams, "Does it look like I have HOME DEPOT written on my forehead? I don't think so. I'm going to the bar."

After several hours of dedicated drinking, guilt starts to overcome him, so he returns home.

As he is about to enter the house, he notices the steps have been repaired. Upon walking through the kitchen, the light is no longer flickering. And when he goes to the fridge to get a beer, the door opens and closes properly.

"Amy" he asks. "How did all this get fixed?"

"Well," Amy replies. I went out and sat on the steps when you left and just cried. A nice young man came by and asked what was wrong. I told him. He offered to fix everything if I would bake him a cake. Or, if I wanted to, we could have sex instead.

Don asked, "What kind of cake did you bake?"

Amy replied, "Do you see BETTY CROCKER written on my forehead. I don't think so."











Remember: Marriage is the number one
cause of divorce.

SHRINK WRAPPED

Sam went to Dr. George Freud, a psychiatrist (naturally) because he was having severe problems with his sex life. Dr. Freud asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems.

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your wife's face while you're having sex?"

Sam replied, "Well, yes, I did once."

"And how did she look?" asked the Doctor. "Oh boy, she looked very angry!"

At this point Dr. Freud felt that he was really getting somewhere. "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your wife's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face only that time?"

Ben thought for a minute and replied, "She was watching us through the window."

In a similar vein as that punchline:

I was in the break room near the end of a workday when a crude, knuckle-dragging, neanderthal of a man said, "Enough of this for today. I think I'll go home and play with the box that the kids came in."

Lewd and crude but I had to chuckle.

Environmental Solutions Worldwide Inc. Receives CARB Level II Executive Order Year Model Extension For its Particular Reactor(TM) Diesel Catalyst
Thursday August 3, 9:00 am ET

CONCORD, Ontario--(BUSINESS WIRE)--Aug. 3, 2006--Environmental Solutions Worldwide, Inc. (ESW) (OTCBB:ESWW - News) announced today that the Company has received an executive order verification extension to its proprietary Level II(1) California Air Resources Board (CARB) advanced Diesel Catalyst branded "Particulate Reactor(TM)."

In 2004, ESW became the first catalytic substrate manufacturer and catalyst coating company in the world to achieve a CARB Level II Verification. The original executive order verification covered specific diesel engines from model years 1991 through to the end of 1993 used in on-road applications operating on standard CARB diesel fuel. The newly granted extension covers specific diesel engines from model year 1994 through to the end of 1997 used in on-road applications operating on standard CARB diesel fuel currently found at local service stations. Specific engine families and application guidelines for the original Particulate Reactor(TM) verification and the extension can be found in the Executive Order which is posted on the CARB website(2).

The Particulate Reactor(TM) is a proprietary, passive stand alone diesel catalytic converter that's performance is a result of its advanced catalyst coating technology and the torturous gas flow path created by the unique metallic wire mesh substrate. This extremely durable combination utilizes the high catalytic surface area, which in turn provides the emissions reductions required to achieve the 50% or greater Particulate Matter (PM) reductions needed to obtain Level II status. To date, no other catalyst manufacturer has received this status without the usage of ultra low sulfur fuel(3) or other aiding/supplementary devices.

Since the issuance of the first CARB executive order verification in 2004, the Particulate Reactor(TM) has been successfully installed in North American applications ranging from school and transit buses to waste hauler trucks. Every Particulate Reactor(TM) in operation under the guidelines is performing to expectation without the need for service or maintenance.

David J. Johnson, ESW's President and CEO commented, "This further verification broadens the spectrum of product application, permitting us to market and sell the Particulate Reactor(TM) through our partners in California as well as the balance of the United States due to verification reciprocity agreement(4) between CARB and the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). CARB verification is also broadly recognized in the international arena which we believe opens opportunities for the product in several global markets. The EPA's selection of the Particulate Reactor(TM) as the only Level II device for a technology demonstration(5) in Beijing, China we consider a prime example of this process."

"The fact that we performed the complete CARB verification protocol using regular CARB fuel and are to date the only company to achieve Level II status without the use of Ultra Low Sulfur fuel or other aiding devices is an significant point," Mr. Johnson further remarked. "It's our belief that proving our technologies ability to perform in high sulfur applications is critical to moving forward as we prepare to submit our product to CARB for off-road verification into the construction sector of the industry."

(1) http://www.arb.ca.gov/diesel/verdev/verifiedtechnologies/vt.htm
(2) http://www.arb.ca.gov/diesel/verdev/level2/eo_de04011_01.pdf
(3) http://www.arb.ca.gov/diesel/verdev/verifiedtechnologies/cvt.htm
(4) http://www.epa.gov/otaq/retrofit/retroverifiedlist.htm
(5) http://www.epa.gov/otaq/retrofit/china2.htm

About the California Air Resources Board (CARB)

The California Air Resources Board is a part of the California Environmental Protection Agency, an organization which reports directly to the Governor's Office in the Executive Branch of California State Government. The Mission of the California Air Resources Board: To promote and protect public health, welfare and ecological resources through the effective and efficient reduction of air pollutants while recognizing and considering the effects on the economy of the state.

For further information, please visit their website at: www.arb.ca.gov/homepage.htm

About Environmental Solutions Worldwide Inc.

With headquarters in Concord, Ontario, Environmental Solutions Worldwide, Inc. is a publicly traded company engaged through its subsidiaries ESW Canada, Inc. and ESW America, Inc. in the design, development, ISO 9001:2000 certified manufacturing and sales of environmental technologies. ESW currently manufactures and markets a line of catalytic emission control conversion products and catalytic support technologies for diesel, gasoline and alternative fueled engines for a multitude of applications.

For updated information, please visit the Company's Web site at: www.cleanerfuture.com

Safe Harbor

This news release contains forward-looking statements within the meaning of the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995 (The "Act"). In particular, when used in the preceding discussion, the words "pleased" "plan," "confident that," "believe," "expect," or "intend to," and similar conditional expressions are intended to identify forward looking statements within the meaning of the Act and are subject to the safe harbor created by the Act. Such statements are subject to certain risks and uncertainties and actual results could differ materially from those expressed in any of the forward-looking statements. Such risks and uncertainties include, but are not limited to, market conditions, general acceptance of the Company's products and technologies, competitive factors, the ability to successfully complete additional financings and other risks described in the Company's SEC reports and filings.


Contact:

Environmental Solutions Worldwide Inc.
Investor Relations, 1-905-695-4142
Investors-relations@cleanerfuture.com

Source: Environmental Solutions Worldwide Inc.





http://biz.yahoo.com/bw/060803/20060803005144.html?.v=1

DOCTOR VISIT

Bill, in his eighties, is putting on his coat.

His wife Sarah says, "Where are you going?"

Bill says, "I'm going to the doctor."

Sarah asks, "Are you sick?"

"No" Bill said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So Sarah gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.

"Where are you going?" says Bill.

Sarah replies "I'm going to the doctor, too. If you're going to start
using that rusty old thing, I'm going to get me a tetanus shot."

Environmental Solutions Worldwide Inc. Signs Agreement with Filter Services and Testing Corp; Companies to Co-Market MSHA Tested Terra Cat(TM) Combination Mining Catalyst System


08/02/2006 10:03
Environmental Solutions Worldwide Inc. (ESW) (OTCBB: ESWW) announced today that the Company's wholly owned subsidiary ESW Canada (ESWC) has signed a long term agreement with Filter Services and Testing Corp (FST).

The scope of the agreement outlines for both companies to market ESWC's proprietary M Cat(TM) mining catalyst with FST's proprietary Liquid Cooled Canister & Disposable Filter system. The new product offering branded the "Terra Cat(TM)" System was launched in May of 2006 after successful performance testing with the U.S. Mine Safety and Health Administration (MSHA). The Terra Cat(TM) System has also undergone extensive successful field trials in a number of different mining equipment applications. These applications range from heavy-duty full sized Scoops powered by large horse power diesel engines, to small Skid Steers outfitted for the extreme working conditions found in underground mining operations.

To date, every application of the Terra Cat(TM) System has exceeded the mining operator's expectations. Field results from the Scoop applications continue to indicate the lifespan between replacements of the disposable filter has been extended from an average of 6 hours to over 80 hours by the integration of the combination system. Similar results have been documented from the Skid Steer applications. This represents a +ten (10) fold increase in the useful lifespan of the disposable filter between change outs, which equates to cost savings to the mine operators. The system also achieves in excess of 85+% Particulate Matter (DPM) and Carbon Monoxide (CO) reductions while Nitrogen Dioxide (NO2) levels remained within MSHA's standards.

Sim Bunderson, President of FST remarked, "The Coal Industry has demonstrated a very cooperative effort to work with MSHA and the manufactures to find methods of DPM removal that meets and or exceeds safety requirements. They have a genuine concern for the health and safety of their employees. Until ESW and FST joined technologies, the industry was faced with systems that fell short of the safety requirements or were economically unfeasible. The Terra Cat(TM) System achieves a level of health and safety standards that the industry has long sought and simultaneously offers significant cost reductions to the mining operators. It clearly demonstrates what can be achieved when Industry, Government and Manufactures work together."

David J. Johnson, ESW's President and CEO commented, "We have been very pleased with sales of the new Terra Cat(TM) System product line to date. Every customer application has been met with the same operation savings and performance success. We have received inquiries from mine operators that have expressed interest in converting their entire inventory of vehicles and equipment to this cost saving product. The question of whether to combine our MSHA performance verified M Cat(TM) mining catalyst with FST's Cool Canister & Disposable Filter was an easy one to make. We believe this synergistic combination of technologies will benefit the entire industry."

About Filter Service & Testing Corp.

Filter Service & Testing Corp. (FST) is a privately held firm located in Price, Utah. FST primarily manufactures specialty filters and housings for the mining industry. FST's products meet 30CFR, section 72.5 - 72.502 MSHA compliance regulations for certain applications with respect to diesel particulate removal. The company also provides service to the power generation industry throughout the intermountain west.

About Mine Safety and Health Administration (MSHA)

The U.S. Labor Department's Mine Safety and Health Administration (MSHA) help to reduce deaths, injuries, and illnesses in the nation's mines with a variety of activities and programs. The agency develops and enforces safety and health rules applying to all U.S. mines, helps mine operators who have special compliance problems, and makes available technical, educational and other types of assistance. MSHA works cooperatively with industry, labor, and other Federal and state agencies toward improving safety and health conditions for all miners. www.msha.gov

About Environmental Solutions Worldwide Inc.

With headquarters in Concord, Ontario, Environmental Solutions Worldwide, Inc. is a publicly traded company engaged through its subsidiaries ESW Canada, Inc. and ESW America, Inc. in the design, development, ISO 9001:2000 certified manufacturing and sales of environmental technologies. ESW currently manufactures and markets a line of catalytic emission control conversion products and catalytic support technologies for diesel, gasoline and alternative fueled engines for a multitude of applications.

For updated information, please visit the Company's Web site at: www.cleanerfuture.com

Safe Harbor

This news release contains forward-looking statements within the meaning of the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995 (The "Act"). In particular, when used in the preceding discussion, the words "pleased" "plan," "confident that," "believe," "expect," or "intend to," and similar conditional expressions are intended to identify forward looking statements within the meaning of the Act and are subject to the safe harbor created by the Act. Such statements are subject to certain risks and uncertainties and actual results could differ materially from those expressed in any of the forward-looking statements. Such risks and uncertainties include, but are not limited to, market conditions, general acceptance of the Company's products and technologies, competitive factors, the ability to successfully complete additional financings and other risks described in the Company's SEC reports and filings.




http://portfolios.abcnews.go.com/quotes?tid=ESWW&tab=news&headline=no&source=Business%20...

In my friend, I find a second self. ~Isabel Norton





The most I can do for my friend is simply be his friend. ~Henry David Thoreau

The first one to go to bed gets to choose the most comfortable spot.

Bubba Goes to France

Bubba, a furniture dealer from North Carolina, wanted to expand the line of
furniture in his store. Although he had never traveled outside the USA, he
decided to go to Paris to get some ideas. After arriving in the French city
he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would
sell well back home.

To celebrate the new acquisition he visited a small bistro and had a glass
of wine. The small place was quite crowded, and he noticed that the other
chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very
beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in
French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He
invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language, so
after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate, he took a napkin, drew a
picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a
glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for awhile, he
took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she
nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group
playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another
napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they
got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing
up. Back at their table the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a
four-poster bed.

To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture
business.

More on the subject of pump prices.



http://www.cagle.com/working/060707/sack.jpg





http://www.cagle.com/working/060729/wright.gif

Dear Diary,

For my sixtieth birthday this year, my wife purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 40 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife, will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.

No help, no respect

Here's a link to the Russian Tunnel video:

http://www.chefjef.com/stuff/russiatunnel.wmv

Chas, the bus driver could probably use a change of skivvies.

global warming:

Interview with the Devil

http://www.cryofthespirit.com/interview.html

link came from today's Mountain Wings



Prepare to Fly - Let MountainWings.com help lift YOU over the Mountains of Life

http://www.mountainwings.com/

LOL...

There's much logic from those young minds.

Top Sales Executive Tom Bona to Lead Marketing & Sales Growth Strategy of GWIN
Tuesday July 18, 7:00 am ET

LAS VEGAS--(BUSINESS WIRE)--July 18, 2006--GWIN, Inc. (OTCBB:GWNI - News) GWIN announced today that Mr. Tom Bona has joined the company as Vice President of Sales. Mr. Bona previously spent 14 years as V.P. of Sales for National Sports Service and for 12 of those years, he also served as V.P. of marketing. Tom's duties at NSS included recruiting, hiring, training and leading the largest sales force in the sports handicapping industry. He was also responsible for the production of two sports handicapping shows on USA TV Network; as well as the Nevada Sports Schedule, providing the official Nevada sports rotation; and the advertising and promotion of NSS products and services. Tom also successfully managed nearly one hundred sports handicapping pay-per-call phone lines for NSS.

GWIN Chairman Wayne Allyn Root commented, "Adding industry sales legend Tom Bona to our executive and sales team is a real coup for GWIN. I've known Tom for my entire career in the sports handicapping industry. He was a critical factor in recruiting me to leave my TV anchor and host position at Financial News Network (now known as CNBC) in 1990 to join NSS. Tom was responsible for many innovative sales and marketing techniques that changed the 900 sales and telemarketing industry, and his leadership resulted in record revenues and profits for NSS and the Wayne Root brand. Tom brings leadership, experience, creativity and proven results to our sales efforts that we believe should immediately translate to an improved bottom line."

About GWIN, Inc.

GWIN, Inc. is America's only publicly traded sports handicapping company. GWIN specializes in developing and marketing sports handicapping advice and information via television (The Winning EDGE (TM)), radio and the Internet (www.WinningEDGE.com) and (www.ewinners.com). Wayne Allyn Root's Winning EDGE(TM) is a half-hour football handicapping pregame show. In 2006 it will air Saturday mornings at 8:30 AM EST/PST on Discovery Channel (paid programming block) starting on September 9th. The Company produces high-quality sports and gaming entertainment programming and sells advertising and sponsorship opportunities on their TV and radio properties, as well as marketing opportunities to an exclusive database of more than one million predominately male sports and gaming fans.

Safe Harbor Statement -- The above news release contains forward-looking statements. These statements are based on assumptions that the management of GWIN Inc. believes are reasonable based on currently available information, and include statements regarding the intent, belief or current expectations of GWIN Inc. Prospective investors are cautioned that any such forward-looking statements are not guarantees of future performance, and are subject to a wide range of business risks, external factors and uncertainties. Actual results may differ materially from those indicated by such forward-looking statements. GWIN Inc. assumes no obligation to update the information contained in this press release, whether as a result of new information, future events or otherwise.


Contact:

GWIN, Inc., Las Vegas
Jeff Johnson, 702-967-1120
Jeff@winningedge.com
www.WinningEDGE.com

Source: GWIN, Inc.




http://biz.yahoo.com/bw/060718/20060718005286.html?.v=1

How women view men:

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore ....

LEARN HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a " LOW COST PROVIDER.



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3 He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in " FOLLICLE REGRESSION"

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL- CRANIAL INVERSION."

8 He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATH Y."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"