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"Tanks" is what the say in the Army.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a
family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Amal. Her husband responds,"They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Amal."
True story Churak -- be careful what you say.
=======
A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F**K-UP!"
For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large.
In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers!"
That would be this, inasmuch as it was used earlier today:
Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
Churak, I'm not the one in jail. I don't need to tell Matt "The devil made me do it." Nah, those grubs will be yours.
Getting tired? see #msg-527072
Notice to Churak: I do not intend to be here when you grub the multiple 6's.
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Gimme a break Churak -- we are working off the same list <g>.
========
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
The African chieftain was so religious that when he ascended to
power, he forbade the killing of animals.
Not long thereafter, the lion and cheetah population began to get
out of hand, and, starving in the wilds, they began feeding on
humans. Before long, even the antelope and zebra were so plentiful
that they began nibbling on natives.
The terrified populace petitioned their leader to rescind his
edict, but he refused: thus, they had no choice but to overthrow the
chief. Not only was the revolt successful, it was the first time in
history that a reign was called on account of game.
Fred, after supper, remember dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Fred, don't leave me alone here with Churak. I'm reduced to this:
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to
Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the
cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally,
became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Wow, you just plugged me with another one.
Isn't the expression something like "Pearls of wisdom dripping off your lips"? AK
Churak, your electrifying material is positively shocking. I guess being on neutral ground in the Jailhouse has helped you lose your negativity. But I ask, wire you doing this?
Hey Fred, here's something stock related:
A very nervous man became an investment broker. Whenever there was bad news about a company he held shares in, his nervousness would make his feet sweat profusely.
It's apparently a common trait in investment circles, though -- bad news makes your socks stink.
The Rude Clone
A scientist was successful in cloning himself, and was asked to speak at a
national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on
the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.
"My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word,
the clone jumped up and shouted, "he's a *&^^%*@)&!".
Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow
scientists,". Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "this dumb
*%@(&+*! couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent *$3%$#*#+=!".
Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out
of the window.
The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New
York's finest arrived and the events that had transpired were explained to
them.
The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest
you."
The scientist replied, "For what? You can't arrest me for killing a
clone!". The attending scientists nodded in agreement.
"Well!" retorted the police chief. He thought for a moment and ordered the
scientist held for "Making an obscene clone fall..."
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air
and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head out of
the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!" The baby mole tries
to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the
bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is....
(scroll down)
molasses......
Nooooo! I was just getting my act together after release from the punatentiary...
A patient tells his psychiatrist, "Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains."
The shrink replies, "Come now, pull yourself together."
there ain't no new fish in this joint;I'm awaitin'
Churak, while you are waiting, check out this newspaper headline:
"TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE, THE JURY HUNG"
Hi Fred, it's recycled material for the new fish--learned it when in the punatentiary where you were warden-in-training. AK
one must be careful
Yes, condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Plagiarism inevitably catches up with me <g>.
Is there a Happy Hour today? I'm still recovering from the last one. You know a hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Yeah, Bob Z said something like that too <g>.
I notice that you have not worked on the anagrams from your name. I forgot to tell you the list ran 500 pages, and I only posted the first 10.
I should remind you however about Matt allowing you to read in the exercise yard: Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Thanks Churak, but I'm no good on golf stories. Here's my parting "shot" on the subject, then I've got to get back to the punatentiary.
==============
On their honeymoon the new husband said to his bride "I have a
confession that I should have made before, but I was concerned that
it might affect our relationship."
"What is it?" she asked.
"I'm a golfer," he said.
"What's the big deal about that?" she asked.
He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that I'll be on the golf
course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon, and any holidays. If
it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf -- golf wins."
She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. In
the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed
something about my own past that you should know about. I'm a
hooker."
"No problem," was his response, "just widen your stance a little and
overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."
When you talk to him, ask him if he had this experience.
==========
A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather curt with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.
The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday."
At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.
"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.
"Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg." she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."
Of course, you have heard of the dyslexic Rabbi, who, when upset, would mutter "Yo", "Yo"...
I'm not sure I've graduated, but I do know when you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Churak, no need to cry. There are worse places than jail. There is the punatentiary.
Sorry Churak for taking it out on you. I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
That's not what I meant. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Freudian slip??
You mean it's like Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
Remember you are in jail. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Churak, you are bored? Remember, a man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.
Mark Twain