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Interesting action proposal to eliminate naked shorting
http://www.thesanitycheck.com/BobsSanityCheckBlog/tabid/56/EntryID/260/Default.aspx
Good arfithmetic and good logical opinion.
Ypou are free to express your own position but I think you are totally wrong in regard to a possible Reverse Split.
I have found that this message board is loaded with spyware. Anyone else noticed this problem???
From Washington Post, April 26,2006
2 Firms Claim Conspiracy in Analyst Reports
Short-Sellers and Researchers Colluded, the Companies Say
By Brooke A. Masters
Washington Post Staff Writer
Wednesday, April 26, 2006; Page D01
Are Biovail Corp. and Overstock.com Inc. promising companies victimized by unscrupulous investors illegally conspiring with stock analysts and journalists? Or are they troubled firms whose executives have turned to wild conspiracy theories to divert attention from underlying business problems?
That question is at the heart of two lawsuits and a couple of Securities and Exchange Commission investigations into whether there is an improper link between negative reports issued by Gradient Analytics, a Scottsdale, Ariz., research firm, and short-selling investors who have bet that Biovail and Overstock share prices will go down.
Internet retailer Overstock.com says research firm Gradient conspired with hedge funds to produce negative reports benefiting short-selling funds. (By Daniel Acker -- Bloomberg News)
Sources familiar with the SEC's investigation caution that it is in its early stages and that most SEC investigations do not result in formal charges. At any given time, the agency's enforcement division has 2,000 open probes, but it brings only about 600 cases a year. The SEC also is probing Biovail's accounting, a development the company blames on analysts and news reports. Overstock officials say the company is not facing regulatory scrutiny.
But the allegations highlight the growing impact of hedge funds that sell stocks short -- that's Wall Street's way of selling for today's price a promise to deliver a stock in the future, by which time, the seller hopes, the price will have fallen.
Hedge funds, lightly regulated investment pools that traditionally have promised high returns, have attracted more and more money, growing to about 9,000 funds with more than $1 trillion in assets from about 600 funds with $38 billion in assets in 1990. While many hedge funds use exotic trading techniques designed to make money no matter which direction the overall market is going, others specialize in placing bets on stocks they think are headed down.
Critics argue that short-sellers are harming overall prospects for long-term growth in their quest for quick profits, while fans say short-sellers bring a much-needed critical eye and are often among the first to spot fraud and other corporate troubles.
Some facts in the controversy are clear. Both Biovail and Overstock have struggled to keep investors enthusiastic about their prospects. Stock in Biovail, a Toronto-based pharmaceutical manufacturer, topped $55 in mid-2003 but now trades at about $25. Overstock is a Salt Lake City Internet retailer whose stock peaked in late 2004 at nearly $73 and now trades around $27.
Eight of nine analysts who cover Biovail have "hold" ratings, and one calls it an "underperform," according to Zacks Investment Research. Of 10 analysts who follow Overstock, six recommend holding and four recommend selling the stock. Representatives of both companies say they can live with most of the negative coverage by analysts.
But Overstock and Biovail executives argue that Gradient's coverage of their companies crossed a legal line.
In independent lawsuits filed in New Jersey by Biovail and in California by Overstock, both companies accuse Gradient and a predecessor company called Camelback of conspiring with hedge funds to produce negative research reports containing misleading or false information. The lawsuits further allege that Gradient then held off releasing the reports for several days to give the hedge funds a window in which to establish their short positions.
Each lawsuit draws heavily on affidavits from former Gradient employees who say they witnessed fellow employees allowing hedge fund clients to order negative reports, to ghostwrite the content, to add false or misleading information and to then arrange delayed release dates to give the hedge funds time to establish short positions. Overstock's lawsuit alleges that Gradient's principals also were shorting the stock themselves through hedge funds they controlled.
"This suit is about what I think is clearly illegal activity between a research firm and some hedge funds," said Overstock's outspoken chief executive, Patrick M. Byrne. "When the full story comes out, I think the American people are going to be lined up on Wall Street with pitchforks."
I can't help but wonder how they read my mind and then posted my thoughts!
Devine E-Mail Help Requested
Subject: The Devine Email
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So God called one of the angels and sent the angel to Earth. When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good." God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were being good, because he wanted to encourage them...give them a little something to help them keep going.
Would you please let me know what the e-mail said?
I didn't get one
Thanks, Telephonics
Cool.
http://www.faulkingtruth.com/Articles/Investing101/1056.html
Faulking Truth recommends abolishing the SEC
by Mark Faulk
April 27, 2006
For years, stock market reform advocates such as Dave Patch at www.investigatethesec.com have been calling for an inquiry into the Securities and Exchange Commission. Over the past few years, Patch has been joined by a handful of other outspoken advocates, and gained the support millions of others who can clearly see the trouble that our financial system is in. Still, the SEC has done nothing to fix the overall problem, instead choosing to apply band aids in the form of minor penalties handed out low level criminals, and in fact, has done everything within its power to hinder attempts by the companies themselves to police their own situations. Either they don’t get it, or they just don’t care. It’s time for drastic measures, because it’s become painfully obvious that the SEC is not going to help the shareholders of this country OR the companies that are being forced out of business on a regular basis.
As we listened to SEC Chairman Chris Cox talk in circles (and end up right back where he started…which is nowhere at all), during his appearance in front of the Senate Banking Committee two days ago, it occurred to me that a full scale investigation would be a waste of taxpayers’ money. It’s too late for that.
Let’s start with a couple of Chairman Cox’s statements in response to Senator Bob Bennett’s questions about the still rampant issue of naked short selling…or as I prefer to call it, STOCK COUNTERFFEITING, commonly known as stealing. Keep in mind that I was first informed of Senator Bennett’s involvement in this issue over 20 months ago, and to date, NOT A DAMN THING HAS BEEN ACCOMPLISHED BY OUR ELECTED OFFICIALS TO RESOLVE THIS MASSIVE PROBLEM.
Is everyone ready for this? Seriously, be sure you’re not in the middle of drinking something hot, because you might end up spitting it all over yourself in disbelief. And it wouldn’t hurt to put scissors and other sharp objects out of reach, just in case you have an overwhelming urge to stab yourself repeatedly upon reading his Orwellianesque logic.
Okay…NOW are we ready? Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
To read the rest of this commentary, go to:
http://www.faulkingtruth.com/Articles/Investing101/1056.html
What do you think?
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BusinessWeek Online
Ethanol: A Tragedy in 3 Acts
Thursday April 27, 8:08 am ET
By Ed Wallace
During the comment period for the RFG (reformulated gas) program, supporters of ethanol had argued that the volatile organic compound (VOC) emission standards in the program -- 42 U. S. C. 7545 (k) (3) (B) (i) -- would preclude the use of ethanol in RFG because adding ethanol to gasoline increases its volatility and raises VOC emissions, especially in the summertime.
ADVERTISEMENT
Background
The American Petroleum Institute v. the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (Docket #94-1502 (Heard by the U. S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit and decided on April 28, 1995))
If there were ever a time when the truth in advertising standards should be put back into place, it's now -- during the current (third) attempt to convince the public that the massive use of corn-derived ethanol in our gasoline supply will alleviate our need for foreign oil. Ultimately, the answer to just one question determines ethanol's actual usefulness as a gasoline extender: "If the government hadn't mandated this product, would it survive in a free market?" Doubtful -- but the misinformation superhighway has been rerouted to convince the public its energy salvation is at hand.
Act I, Scenes 1 and 2
The use of ethanol to reduce our dependence on foreign oil is nothing new. We also considered it during our nation's Project Independence in 1974, the year after the first Arab oil embargo. After the second energy crisis in 1979, an income tax credit of 40 cents per gallon of 190-proof ethanol produced was instituted as an incentive for refiners of ethanol to blend this product into gasoline.
Because this federal largesse now existed, within five years, 163 ethanol plants had been built -- but only 74 of them were still in operation. As gasoline availability opened up in the 1980s and gas prices went down, many ethanol plants simply went out of business.
Shortly thereafter, in yet another attempt to broaden the product's usage, Congress enacted a law that allowed car manufacturers to take excess mileage credits on any vehicle they built that was capable of burning an 85% blend of ethanol, better known as E85. General Motors (NYSE:GM - News) took advantage of the credits, building relatively large volumes of the Suburban as a certified E85 vehicle. Although in real life that generation of the Suburban got less than 15 mpg, the credits it earned GM against its Corporate Average Fuel Economy (CAFE) ratings meant that on paper, the Suburban delivered more than 29 mpg.
Other manufacturers also built E85-capable vehicles -- one such car was the Ford (NYSE:F - News) Taurus. Congress may have intended simply to create a market for this particular fuel by having these vehicles available for sale. But what the excess mileage credits actually did was save Detroit millions each year in penalties it would have owed for not meeting the CAFE regulations' mileage standards.
Act II, Scenes 1 and 2
In the mid-'90s the Clean Air Act of 1990 kicked in, mandating that a reformulated gasoline be sold in the nation's smoggiest cities. So the Clinton Administration again tried to create an ethanol industry in America, by having the Environmental Protection Agency mandate that fully 30% of the oxygenates to be used in gasoline under that program come from a renewable source. But members of the American Petroleum Institute had already geared up for the production of Methyl Tertiary Butyl Ether (MTBE), their oxygenate of choice. The ensuing lawsuit was argued before the Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia on February 16, 1995.
The EPA took the position that it had been given a mandate to find ways to conserve the nation's fossil-fuel reserves, so it needed a renewable fuel -- and ethanol neatly fit that bill. But there were problems with that argument, not least of which was the fact that the judges could find no charter or mandate from Congress that gave the EPA the statutory right to do anything about fossil fuel, reserves or otherwise.
Even more damaging, the EPA's own attorney admitted to the judges that because of its higher volatility, putting ethanol into the nation's fuel supply would likely increase smog where it was used. One of the judges, on hearing that the EPA was actively promoting a substance that could in fact diminish air quality, wondered aloud, "Is the EPA in outer space?"
The final decision favored the American Petroleum Institute. The judges agreed that the EPA was bound by law only to promote items that would improve air quality -- not to reverse the nation's advances in smog reduction. That decision was apparently forgotten with record speed. In the summer of 2000, ethanol as an additive was mandated for the upper Midwest, including the city of Chicago and parts of the state of Wisconsin.
Act II, Scenes 3 and 4
After Asian economies had collapsed in the late '90s, the price of oil had fallen to as low as $10 a barrel. Gasoline was selling in many parts of the U.S. for as little as 99 cents a gallon. But by 2000, the per-barrel price had risen to $32, and gas was averaging $1.55 a gallon nationally. As they are today, the nation's drivers were incensed by the rising prices of gasoline and oil. And then reformulated gasoline made with ethanol hit Chicago and points north. Gas prices there suddenly soared over $2.00, with a few stations selling their product for as much as $2.54 per gallon.
At some stations in southeast Wisconsin, where reformulated gasoline wasn't required and gas cost considerably less, pumps ran dry in the panic, as savvy consumers topped off their tanks. Citing the Lundberg Survey, the Associated Press on June 12, 2000, stated, "Dealers in the Midwest, where many cities use a reformulated gas blended with the corn derivative ethanol, are paying a premium at wholesale."
Just a few months later, Brazil -- which had worked toward energy independence since the mid-'70s oil crisis and had already mandated that the percentage of ethanol in its fuel be raised to 24% -- was forced to import ethanol refined by the Archer Daniels Midland Co. (NYSE:ADM - News) when the nation's sugar-cane crop suffered a devastating drought. Brazil understood that a year of poor crops was just as damaging to its national fuel supply as Iran taking its oil off-market would be to the rest of the world.
Then came the third act in this ethanol play -- and possibly the most misleading and disingenuous PR campaign ever.
Act III: Cue the Fact-Checker
It started with Congress, which mandated that even more ethanol be used to extend the nation's fuel supply. From General Motors, an ad campaign called "Live Green, Go Yellow" gave America the impression that by purchasing GM vehicles capable of using E85 ethanol, we could help reduce our dependence on foreign oil.
What GM left out of its ads was that the use of this fuel would likely increase the amount of smog during the summer months (as the EPA's own attorneys had admitted in 1995) -- and that using E85 in GM products would lower their fuel efficiency by as much as 25%. (USA Today recently reported that the Energy Dept. estimated the drop in mileage at 40%.)
But one final setup for the public has gone unnoticed. At the Web site, www.fueleconomy.gov, which confirms the 25% to 30% drop in mileage resulting from the use of this blended fuel, another feature lets users calculate and compare annual fuel costs using regular gasoline to costs using E85.
But the government site's automatic calculations are based on E85 selling for 37 cents per gallon less than regular gasoline, when the USA Today article reports that at many stations in the Midwest E85 is actually selling for 13 cents per gallon more than ordinary gas. Using the corrected prices for both gasoline and E85, the annual cost of fueling GM's Suburban goes from $2,709 to $3,763. Hence the suggestion that truth in advertising should come back into play. Possibly GM could rename this ad campaign "Shell Out Green, Turn Yellow."
Epilogue: Get this Wasteful Show Off the Road
The other negative aspect of this inefficient fuel is that numerous studies have found that ethanol creates less energy than is required to make it. Other studies have found that ethanol creates "slightly" more energy than is used in its production. Yet not one of these studies takes into account that when E85 is used, the vehicle's fuel efficiency drops by at least 25% -- and possibly by as much as 40%. Using any of the accredited studies as a baseline in an energy-efficiency equation, ethanol when used as a fuel is a net energy waste.
Furthermore, no one has even considered the severe disruption in the nation's fuel distribution that mandating a move into ethanol would cause. Over the past month, gas stations from Dallas to Philadelphia and parts of Massachusetts have had their tanks run dry due to a lack of ethanol to blend. The newswires have been filled with stories bemoaning the shortage of trucks, drivers, railcars, and barges to ship the product. Ethanol can't be blended at refineries and pumped through the nation's gasoline pipelines.
The recent price spikes for gasoline have forcibly reminded the people of Chicago and Wisconsin of what happened when ethanol was forced on them during the summer of 2000. Moreover, the promise of energy independence that Brazil has explored through ethanol is widely misunderstood. Recently a Brazilian official, commenting on our third and most recent attempted conversion to ethanol, said that when Brazil tried using agricultural crops for ethanol, it achieved only a 1:1.20 energy conversion rate, too low to be worth the effort.
Final Bow?
On the other hand, ethanol from sugar cane delivered 1:8 energy conversion, which met the national mandate. Unfortunately for us, sugar cane isn't a viable crop in the climate of our nation's heartland. But the part of Brazil's quest for energy independence that the media usually overlooks is that ethanol wasn't the only fuel source the country was working on: Its other, more important, thrust was to find more oil. To that end, last week Brazil's P50 offshore oil platform was turned on. Its anticipated daily output is high enough to make Brazil totally oil independent.
More smog, infinitely worse gas mileage, huge problems in distribution, and skyrocketing prices for gasoline. Maybe now that we're witnessing the third act in America's ethanol play, the upcoming epilogue will close this show forever. Even great advertising works only if the product does.
THE APPROACH ...
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages,
goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said,
he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in Fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out with my bear".
Don't know why my words did not post and, as usual for me, I don't remembner what I wrote!!!
The Air Force needs you!!!!
:
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed, Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him
anymore.
You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one.
Abby
Remember "Our Gang"?
I sure remember "Our Gang." What a tragic life they must have had. Who would have thought that life could be so short for the members, save one. Even the dog, Pete, was robbed of a long life.
Remember "Our Gang"?
whatever happened to them?
Alfalfa --
Carl Switzer was shot to death at age 31
Chubby --
300-pound Norman Chaney died at age 22 following an operation.
Buckwheat --
William Thomas died at age 49 of a heart attack.
Darla Hood --
The Our Gang leading lady contracted hepatitis and died at age 47.
Brisbane! --
Kendall McCormas, known as Breezy Brisbane, committed suicide at age 64.
Froggy -- (No Picture Available)
William Robert Laughline was killed in a motor scooter accident at age 16.
Mickey Daniels --
He died of liver disease at 55.
Stymie --
Mathew Bear led a life of crime and drugs. He died of a stroke at age 56.
Scotty Beckett --
He died at age 38 following a brutal beating.
Wheezer --
Robert Hutchins was killed in an airplane accident at age 19.
Pete the Pup --
He was poisoned by an unknown assailant.
Butch --
Currently lives in California.
and Spanky.......
Robert Blake was accused of murdering his wife
Did anyone know that was Robert Blake?
Air Force test This one will drive you nuts!!
The object of the game is to move the red block around without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls.
If you can go longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal.
It's been said that the US Air Force uses this for fighter pilots. They are expected to go for at least 2 minutes.
Give it a try!!
http://tinyurl.com/56t9u
Super story. Thanks
This is from Merrill, 4/20
Cubist Pharmaceuticals Inc
Earnings Review; Solid Q, Focus Returns to PDUFA
Solid Cubicin sales; Label expansion PDUFA date set:
Cubist reported 1Q Cubicin sales of $37.3 MM in the US, compared to our
estimate of $37.6 MM and consensus of $38.9 MM. US sales figures suggest solid
demand growth in March. Encouragingly, Cubist reiterated '06 Cubicin sales
guidance of $190-205 MM, despite the expanded launch delay. Also, FDA
officially accepted Cubist's response to the approvable letter and set a May 26
PDUFA date. Despite a weak sector, we expect final label expansion in 2Q and
expanded launch, and high likelihood that the company posts its first profitably Q
in 2H to catalyze Cubist. Reiterate BUY.
Cubicin sales guidance maintained for '06
CBST reiterated sales guidance of $190-205 MM for '06, despite the delay in the
expanded launch (new PDUFA date of May 26) which is encouraging. CBST may
already be seeing an increase in demand for Cubicin prior to label expansion. We
had expected CBST to revise guidance down due to the delay because original
guidance assumed label expansion by the March 24 PDUFA date.
Expenses lower based on timing of items
1Q expenses were lower than expected, which helped Cubist post better EPS than
expected. Specifically, gross margins were better due to timing of the switch from
2 manufacturers to 1. As the 2nd manufacturer is phased out during '06, COGS
associated with product produced by that manufacturer will be higher, so there
could be GM volatility during '06. R&D expense guidance was maintained at
$63-68 MM, S&M at $57-60 MM and G&A at $25-27 MM. We expect R&D
spending to accelerate throughout '06 due to new Phase III trials for further
Cubicin label expansion and an IND for its next generation lipopeptide antibiotic.
:
By following the simple advice I heard on an interview with Phil V a few years ago-, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.
And you have no idea how fine I am feeling--especially with my NMKT investment
Fine post!
Augie-Charleroi is a very sophisticated basher who has earned top priority for inclusion in you ignore list. Doing so really cleans up the board. Do you remember Tscheri and Even on the Raging Bull and are you aware of why they disappeared from that board. The same,given some time, shall also happen to Charleroi.
Will this new sale further increase the company's loss as it has in the recent past???
Interesting for sure. But compared to the GIVN Pill Cam its application is in the colon only and the pre-exam cleaning must be as hard on the patient as that for a normal colonoscopy. Frankly don't see much future for it.Another disadvantage is that this new tool still is quite embarassing for many patients.
You will be perfectly safe trusting what he sas and basing your investments on these words.Have you done any DD on his background?
Yup! Weird!
Who caused Yahoo to revoke Tscheri's posting priviledges???I know--do you??
To add to your comment; Look at the pesonal investment PV and his family have in this operation and you'll get a much better understanding that challenges to his integrity and intentions are unsupportable.Should the company fail there is no shareholder who would suffer more than PV and his kin.
Your action is well concieved. How long do you think he'd keep up his sophisticated bashing if no one responded to his posts. Certainly would be a big blow to his inflated ego. Come on guys-IGNORE HIM.
Wonder how much it would sell for on E-Bay????
Don't get it. What's a typewriter???
Crack in Windshield (pst)
This is a good example of dirty money!
You are wrong with that remark.
Charleoi is a very sophisticated basher and has earned his place in the number 1 position on my ognore list. Why not copy my action and clear this board.
Super thanks
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began
to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the
farmer for help.
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched
and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with
the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the
keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he
still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the
chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful
bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse,
and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies,
Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing
and he > would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,
saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)
Scroll Down
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks
THE telephone call
Hello?" "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause*** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? . . . Is this
486-5731?"
This is a HILARIOUS story from an engaged man:
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me .. it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!"
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car...
Good to Know Information
Google has implemented a feature wherein you can type someone's telephone number into the search bar and hit enter and then you will be given a map to their house.
Before forwarding this, I tested it by typing my telephone number in google.com search bar. My phone number came up, and when I clicked on the MapQuest link, it actually mapped out where I live. The information may not be entirely up-to-date.
Quite scary. Please look up your own number. Read below for details.
Think about it--if a child, single person, ANYONE gives out his/her phone number, someone can actually now look it up to find out where he/she lives.
To test whether your phone number is mapped, go to: http://www.google.com/
Type your phone number in the search bar with or without dashes (i.e. 555-555-1212 or 5555551212) and hit enter.
If you want to BLOCK Google from divulging your private information, simply click on the telephone icon next to your phone number and wait to fill out the form. I removed my name, but it takes 48-hours. If you are unlisted in the phone book, you might not be in there, but it is a good idea just to check.
Forward this information on to friends and family that would like to remove this information. (If you want to.)